The State of Union Address we WISH we would hear tonight:
“Madam Speaker, Vice-President Biden, Members of Congress, Distinguished Guests, fellow citizens:
“My name is Barack Hussein Obama and I am President of the United States. Get over it!
“And let me say, first, if any y’all want to holler back at me during this speech, you go right ahead…show your ass because I’ll come down there and loft it from beyond the three-point arc and leave your butt hangin’ in the net. Got that?
“I’ve been in office just over a year and I’ve tried to be a nice guy; tried to work with Republicans and Democrats alike; tried to listen to your concerns and tried to incorporate some of your ideas…as bad and pitiful as they are…into the very serious issues and problems facing our nation.
“Y’all don’t seem to care about that. You just want to grand stand and pontificate, obfuscate and obstruct.
“You’ve done your best to turn the Audacity of Hope into the Audacity of Nope and I’ve had it with you nattering negative nabob nincompoops.
“To our GOP members…and I use that term pointedly…you sat around and gave George Bush and Dick Cheney everything they wanted for 8 years and look where it got us: the worst shape this country has been in since the 1930s. Y’all need to sit down and shut up if you’re not going to be constructive.
“To members of my own party, looky here, do the math. We’re in charge of this Congress folks. We have majorities in both houses! Act like it, for God’s sake!
“The people of this great land voted us in because they wanted change. Grow a pair and give them the change they want.
“First thing: pass healthcare reform, dammit! I mean, really, what are y’all waiting for? Over 70 percent of the American people want this change give it to ‘em!
“If you don’t pass healthcare reform next week, I will sign an executive order expanding Medicare to everyone in the United States! How do you like THAT? We will simply give everyone health care and you morons can work yourselves all up into a froth trying to figure out how to undo it. That’ll look good as you’re campaigning for re-election.
“Second, pass a jobs bill…get people working again. Rebuild this country, its infrastructure, its power grid; build a new Internet infrastructure that will bring genuine 3-G broadband to everyone.
“Third, take down these arrogant and greedy bankers on Wall Street. Regulate them to within an inch of their financial futures. Bring back Glass-Steagall. If you don’t I will and leave you to defend them and their practices.
“How do like THAT, GOP? Want to go into the 2010 elections saying you like greedy Wall Street bankers and that big bad Obama wants to hurt them? Go ahead; let me know how that works out for you.
“Fourth, pass climate change laws that will immediately reduce our carbon output. I can’t help it if everyone at Copenhagen woosed out on saving the planet. We are the world’s biggest contributor to CO2 over the years and we need to cut it out and, then, we’ll make the Chinese and Indians cut it out.
“In short, I expect you, members of Congress, to be bold, be brave, act like leaders and lead; help the American people for once in your lives!
“This is not about politics. This is about digging our nation out of a terrible hole and if you’ll grow a spine we can do this.
“Yes we can!”
