Dr. Frazier Azov explains Florida cold…
DOWN YONDER, FL. – It’s been too damn cold for too damn long in the Sunshine State!
That may sound dumb or wimpy to Yankees who, for some completely unknown reason spends months each year bundled up in the cold. But who’s dumb, here?
Weird stuff starts happenin’ in Florida when it gets cold.
Floridians themselves get weird.
The sensation of actually seein’ one’s own breath comin’ out of one’s own mouth is a disquieting phenomenon to say the least. It sets off a whole range of emotional reactions. A Floridian with cabin fever is a frightening spectacle, not high on the list of attractions offered by the Chamber of Commerce.
Floridians don’t like to wear jackets. Most don’t ever like to wear socks. But all of a sudden, here we are bundled up like a dog-sled musher and uttering such moronic expressions as, “brr-r-r-r-r.â€
It’s a well-known fact Floridians just don’t do well in the cold. That’s why we’re Floridians. If we wanted to be cold, we’d be Wisconsonians or Minnesotans or Some-Other-God-Forsaken-Part-Of-The-Cold-Northonians.
The intimidating scientist, Dr. Frazier Azov, has a theory about what happens to Floridians in the cold.
Y’all know Dr. Azov. He’s the feller who developed that scale, kinda like the wind chill scale, to warn Floridians about the cold. He believes the blood of Floridians actually thins with each passin’ year spent below the 30th parallel. He developed the Frazier Azov Scale to let Sunshine Staters know how their thinnin’ blood will react to the cold.
According to the Frazier Azov Scale, a temperature of 50 degrees actually feels like 45 degrees to a five-year resident of Florida. To a 10-year resident of Florida, a temperature of 50 degrees will feel like 40 degrees. To a native Florida, a temperature of 50 degrees feels like the freakin’ North Pole. A temperature of 38 degrees, which can happen occasionally, upsets the whole cracker metabolism.
Dr. Azov says in the extreme cold, which is anything below 60 degrees, Floridians heart rate begins to slow, blood vessels constrict, breathin’ slows and Floridians become lethargic.
Come to think of it, we use the extreme heat as an excuse for lethargy, too.
No matter, it’s cold we’re worried about here today.
Floridians started actin’ weird in the cold. You’ll catch ‘em putting on long pants. They’ll insert a fire video in their TeeVee Boxes to get warm. You’ll see ‘em lose their minds a bit – remember the slowed metabolism – and run down to the beach where they try to roll sand into balls and throw ‘em at each other.
Lots of weird stuff happens when it gets cold in Florida. Things like coconuts shrink and fall off. In fact, the whole state contracts a bit, which widens the beaches and puts off for a while any discussion of sea level rise.
It’s a sad sight to see pelicans warmin’ their beaks over electric heaters. Seagulls wearin’ earmuffs and mukluks look silly and are best viewed only when one has the proper state permits. The gators slow down, too. They don’t eat near as many poodles when it’s cold as they when it’s warm.
The only good thing about the cold is, well, IT IS FLORIDA and in a couple of days it’ll be warm again.
