CPAC: pep rally for the discontent!

“Politics hates a vacuum,” once wrote Naomi Klein. “If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.”

So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what’s left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

The man perhaps most responsible for leaving this great nation in its current great mess made a surprise appearance. The former vice-president suddenly emerged from the darkness to the chants of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!”

Okay, not really. They chanted, “Cheney, Cheney, Cheney!” But we know what they meant.

“2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause,” Dick said. “And I think Barack Obama is a one term president.”

The next presidential election won’t take place until 2012…but no matter. 2010 will still be a great year.

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint told the crowd he’d rather see a U.S. Senate more like himself.

“I’d rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who believe in the principles of freedom than 60 who don’t believe in anything,” he said.

Right. Because no one there now “believes in freedom.” Oh, heck no! Few Americans actually believe in freedom. Nope, we’re all about enslavement in this country, by golly!

Over at the hip and “kewl” version of CPAC, which is called XPAC for Extremely Pricky Asswipes Converging, crazy Baldwin Brother, Stephen, referred to the President of the United States as – not kidding – “homey.” (You see, the President happens to be African-American.)

“Homey made his bed,” said the Baldwin Brother. “Now, he has got to lay in it.”

Technically, President Obama is trying to pull us out of the deathbed made for us by the Bush Administration. (See “Cheney,” above.)

“CPAC is like our Woodstock,” said one young twerp. “Except unlike the left’s gathering, our women are beautiful…we speak in complete sentences and our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine…which is certainly one thing that separates us from Barack Obama…

“…actually, on the cocaine front,” continued the young twerp. “I do believe many young people in America viewed Barack as a new drug. It was something to experiment with. But the hangover afterward left them thinking, ‘what the hell did I just do?’”

And there is no truth to the rumor that Mitt “the Mittens” Romney got into a fight with LMFAO’s Sky Blu. That happened on an airplane.

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama skipped the CPAC klavern to visit President Obama, which prompted the Chinese to retaliate by sending snowboarders to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Later, in Nevada, the president was seen in a corner with Sen. Harry Reid, a pitchfork pinned against the senator’s chest, telling of his round of golf with the Buddhist leader.

The President: “So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long.

“So we finish the 18^th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’

And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

“So I got that goin’ for me.”

Tags: Caddyshack, Carl Spackler, CPAC, Dalai Lama, Dick Cheney, Harry Reid, Jim DeMint, LMFAO, Mitt Romney, Naomi Klein, President Obama, Sky Blu, Stephen Baldwin, Vancouver, Winter Olympics, XPAC