King James Version of the South Beach Bible…
Today and for the next few years, we’ll be reading from the King James version of the South Beach Bible…
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Suck it, Cleveland. And you suck it, too, New York…losers.
Seriously, let me get his straight. You’re a 25-year-old superstar and you get to pick anywhere to play basketball for lots and lots of money and your choices are Cleveland, New York, Chicago and Miami. And you don’t pick Miami?
Do you realize basketball is played – mostly – in the winter? And, if you have the choice, you’d rather come home to Cleveland, New York or Chicago? Really? Seriously?
The Kardashian trollops have already announced they’re leaving their current NBA horses and will be happy to post up in the middle for the King James court. Don’t sweat it, LeBron. The Kardashians are trolls compared to the rest of the South Beach senoritas.
And back in Cleveland there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth – what few there are. Forty-something guys in jacked up Monte Carlos are drivin’ around in old gym shorts and knee-high socks cussin’ and spittin’ and burnin’ Cavs swag in the streets. Stay classy, Cleveland.
The AP reports the left side of this morning’s Cleveland Plain Dealer front page is covered by a full-length image of James, in uniform, seen from behind as he walks away.
And up in New York, the Times reports this: “Miami in pinstripes: the new evil empire.” Sour grapes for breakfast?
New York just arrogantly assumed LeBron would want to play in Madison Square Garden. Hey, yo, New York! Here’s a clue: Miami is the New York of the 21st Century…but with better weather and beaches…and women. (And men, for that matter.)
Cavalier’s owner Dan Gilbert might have provided some insight as to why LeBron chose to leave that erudite and lovely city with this screed posted to the Cav’s website last night (originally posted in Comic San Serif typeface…no kidding):
“Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight,” wrote Gilbert.
“As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
“This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you….
“You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…I want to make one statement to you tonight:
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE
“You can take it to the bank.
“If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our ‘motivation’ to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
“This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.
“But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.
“The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. Just watch.”
Nice. Real nice. Literate, too.
The only problem is there is no such thing as bad karma on Ocean Drive. LeBron, Bosh & Flash. Someone’s already termed them: “the Miami Slam Machine.”
Excellent post thank you!