BREAKING NEWS: Here, on the 100th day of the Gulf Oil Disaster, the New York Times announces the Gulf is all good now. Nothing to see…move along…go on about your business…thanks for playin’. Gee, who knew it would be so easy?
So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!
We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!
We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!
Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?
Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!
That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!
This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!
We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!
The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!
And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.
Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.
Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith. 
Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”
“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”
And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.
“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.
And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.
And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”
Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.
The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.
Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!
I love the humor and lot’s of good points here. However, there is one error. The quote from the DNJ for Pastor Allen Jackson at World Outreach Church was in “error” or let’s quote them and call it a “mis-print”. Pastor Jackson actually said we as the community would like to understand their intent for a 52,000 square foot building on a country road in the middle of no where but the local newspaper needed some dirt to cause people to buy the papers so they turned his statement (which is in video on the County Commissioners website) into a religious war between Christians and Muslims. Which took the focus off the farmers who are saying they don’t want this huge building in the middle of the country with the traffic, sewage, etc problems it will bring. Unfortunate, yes. Again, I appreciate your humor and your good points. Thanks!