BREAKING NEWS: Lindsay Lohan – whoever he is – has escaped from prison in Arizona!
No…wait…that’s not right.
Try again.
BREAKING NEWS: Three convicted murderers have escaped from prison in Arizona.
The Arizona Legislature immediately convened a special session to make prison escape and murder illegal.
The bill will also require each and every Arizonan to carry papers proving they are not murderers nor escaped prisoners nor Lindsay Lohan…whoever he is.
While Arizonans were busy worrying about brown-skinned people, two murderers escaped from an Arizona prison in an 18-wheeler – c’mon back, good buddy – and the help of a woman on the visitation list of one of the murderers.
This just in: one of the three has been captured in – not making this up – Rifle, Colorado.
The other two, indentified as Evelle and Gale Snoats, are reported to be searching for long-time friend, H.I. McDunnough.
Did they escape from prison?
“No’man,” explained Evelle Snoats. “We released ourselves on our own recognizance.”
“What Evelle here is tryin’ to say is that we felt the institution no longer had anything to offer us,” added Gale.
The Unpainted Arizona raw furniture store chain has been put on high alert.
Okay, okay…seriously…much as been made in recent months of rising crime in Arizona, mostly blamed on brown-skinned people with too many vowels in their names.
And while FBI statistics show Arizona crime dropped by 12 percent in 2009 and 23 percent between 2004 and 2008, one would think politicians would rush to embrace the good news.
Not in Arizona.
U.S. Sen. John Kyl, R-Arizona, disputed the good news on the Sunday talking heads TeeVee Box shows, saying, “oh hell no, Arizona is the most dangerous place in ‘Murka and it’s all because of brown-skinned people. “ Or, something like that.
Actually, what he said was: “Well, that’s a gross generalization (crime is down). Property crimes are up. Certain violent crimes on certain parts of the citizenry are up. Phoenix is a very large source of kidnapping. It’s called the kidnapping capital of the United States. So, there’s a great deal of violence and crime associated with illegal immigrants.”
Oh yea…and that claim of Phoenix being the kidnapping capital of ‘Murka? A completely unsubstantiated claim, according to PolitFact:
“Neither the FBI nor the U.S. National Central Bureau of Interpol, an arm of the U.S. Department of Justice that serves as the United States’ representative to Interpol, could confirm that Phoenix has the second-highest frequency of kidnapping cases worldwide,” says the fact checking service.
Oh well, nevermind.
“Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”
