Having emerged from the lead-lined bunker in which we waited out the geomagnetic storm that pounded Earth for two days, we discovered the world remained intact and the InnerTubes and satellites still working.
Although much of the clap-trap they circulate remains.
Here’s what happened: The Sun let loose last Sunday with a coronal mass ejection, what scientists who watch heavenly bodies on computer screens like to refer to as, “the money shot.”
This sent millions and millions of tiny, supercharged particles – electrons, proteins, carbohydrates – all hurdling toward Earth at 2.5 million miles per hour. That’s really, really fast.
Even the tiniest particle is gonna smart if it hits you at 2.5 million miles per hour and scientists feared the worst. Pat Buchanan, blabbering as he usually does on MSNBC, revealed to us that Thomas Jefferson thought the punishment for sodomy should be castration.
It was through intense astrophysical mind melds possible only during geomagnetic storms that Buchanan could access the thoughts of Thomas Jefferson in just such a way.
Nonetheless, a federal judge in California ruled as unconstitutional the nitwit Golden State plebiscite banning gay marriage and now, thankfully, gay people in California are free, once again, to become as hopelessly bogged down in marriage at straight people.
The reaction to the ruling by the homophobe underclass was, of course, to immediate accuse the federal judge of being gay. Why else, they said, would he allow for one class of people to enjoy the rights given to other classes of people? Oh yea…and when will “gay” stop being an accusation?
The hurtling particles did not stop the U.S. Senate from confirming Elena Kagan as U.S. Supreme Court Justice, despite GOP predictions of the nation’s imminent collapse. She will be sworn in on Saturday but this will still not stop SCOTUS from granting the full rights of individuals to our corporate masters and it’s only a matter of time before some giant retailer like Target gives a wad of cash to right-wing fear mongers who support crazy extremists for posts like governor of Minnesota.
Perhaps, however, the geomagnetic storm is responsible for a reported alliance between Google and Verizon which could, it has been suggested, lead to express lanes on the super information highway where only rich people and companies willing to pay more will get access to the really groovy stuff on the InnerTubes while the rest of us will be left with Hulu and the Fox News website.
This leaves us with one startling if not confirmed result of the geomagnetic storm. It appears one supercharged particle might have actually made its way through the carbon-ladened atmosphere to strike an 18-wheeler carrying 39,000 pounds of 5-blend shredded cheese near Pensacola, Florida.
The truck immediately caught fire leaving fried and melted cheese all over Interstate 10.
With nothing left to clean up in the Gulf of Mexico, crews from BP were immediately dispatched to the scene with 40,000 pounds of crackers.
