You’ve attracted the attention of the entire world!

Now, what’re you gonna do?

“I’m going to Dizzyland!!

“I’d go to crazytown…but, heck, I’m already there!!”

Yep, that’s right. This jacklegged, Hulk Hogan-mustachioed, hooligan for Jesus has the whole world in an uproar and managed to attract the attention of everyone from concerned Muslims in Indonesia to General Patraeus to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the Attorney General of the United States, Ron Holder.

And the universal message back to Pastor Terry and his book burnin’ bonanza?

And I think I speak for everyone…Shut up and quit bein’ a jackass.

Don’t know if you even realize this or not, Alleged Pastor Terry, but you don’t really speak for Jesus ‘cause Jesus ain’t got nuthin’ to do with hatin’ on other folks. He ain’t got nuthin’ to do with burnin’ scriptures and the only folks he even remotely suggested could be evil…are the hypocrites.

Looked in the mirror lately? (Probably not, ‘cause if you did you’d realize that goat-faced moustache thing needs to go back to the 80s where it belongs.)

But on the other hand, you’re just the kind of pastor needed by a 50-member cackle of rads.

We all know part of your tax-exempt status has been eliminated and the bank is getting ready to foreclose on your church property while you live in nice diggs, ride your Harley and keep a place at the beach.

Maybe this fiasco will raise enough money to keep you in operation for a few more hate-filled months. Or wait, here’s an idea…maybe you can run an “adopt a U.S. solder” campaign to go along with all the good you’re doin’ ‘em by burning the Qur’an.

So, okay…okay. You’ve had your 15 minutes of fame…more, actually, than you deserve. Now, just go away and quit embarrassing the rest of us.

Even Iran has called off the stoning of a woman accused of adultery after the world expressed its outrage. Hey, if Ahmed Dinnerjacket can back down, why can’t you?

Finally, a note to the good people of Gainesville, Florida:

We know this has been tough on you. Gainesville is actually a nice little city filled with smart progressive people, despite bein’ home to a middlin’ university with an average athletic program. We know you get swamped on fall weekends by cracker cowboys drivin’ their pickups into town to watch football and that’s cross enough to bear.

And we know you’ve tried to pull together to tell this jackass alleged preacher to go away and take his hate somewhere else.

Where is Tim Tebow when you really need him?

“If any man tells you he loves America yet hates Labor, he is a liar.” – Abraham Lincoln.

And, yes, and it appears to be a great week for hate and book-burning, too.

There’s the rinky-dink, 50-member alleged church in Gainesville, Florida which will commemorate 9/11 on Saturday by building a bonfire of Qur’ans and, as it turns out, copies of the Talmud, too. Muslims, Jews…to this bunch of cranks they’re all the same.

There’s also another crazy Florida preacher, doing his best impression of Elmer Gantry, who wants to counter the Cordoba Community Center in Manhattan with his own fundamentalist Christian Center.

Really? Can anybody take this guy seriously?

(And, no, it’s not really John Larroquette doing street theater.)

Together with the prospects of returning control of the Congress to the GOP in November, perhaps it’s best to review The 32 rules of the United States of Zombieland as expressed by Columbus, our intrepid tour guide through a particularly rough patch of American History.

• Cardio.
• Ziploc bags.
• Beware of bathrooms.
• Wear seatbelts.
• Cast iron skillet.
• Travel light.
• Get a kickass partner.
• Bounty paper towels.
• Bowling ball.
• Don’t be a hero.
• Limber up.
• Avoid strip clubs.
• When in doubt, know your way out.
• The buddy system.
• Check the back seat.
• Enjoy the little things.
• Swiss Army Knife.

Yea, we know there aren’t actually 32 rules but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know them.

Not sayin’ we’ll need them. Just sayin’.

In case we end up like this: “Iran stoning woman has been whipped.”

(*Zombieland, the movie, available on DVD and pay movie channels.)

The bad news is Earl remains a hurricane and will make for a crappy day along much of the Northeast and a nasty night for Cape Cod.

The good news is Earl will be centered over Nova Scotia by Saturday afternoon. The bad news it will still retain the strength of a hurricane, if barely.

The good news is Fiona is fizzling far out in the Atlantic and Gaston has virtually disappeared, which will remain good news as long as Gaston doesn’t cook back up…as some hurricane models suggest.

Additional good news is that Thursday night marked the official opening of the 2010 College Tackle Football Season and on Saturday we’ll see all the major college tackle football teams play their pre-season games against small schools they will crush but compensate with big paychecks.

The bad news is Labor Day marks the official beginning of the 2010 Off-Year Campaign Season during which we’ll see enough hot air to power a thousand hurricanes while common sense and logic get crushed and we – the ‘Murkin People – will get compensated with small paychecks.

Seriously? Really?

We – the ‘Murkin People – hate the Democrats by a whopping 66 percent? (NBC-Wall Street Journal poll.)

But hate the Republicans more, by an even more whopping 76 percent?

And, yet, w – the ‘Murkin’ People – are willing to return the Republicans to power?

Really?

For reals?

Yup. While two out of three ‘Murkins say they don’t like the Democrats, three out of four ‘Murkins say they like the Republicans less.

But in a generic Gallup Poll (remember..Gallup is Latin for “let’s see how we can make the Republicans look good with our polling data), ‘Murkins likely to vote in November say they want to vote for Republicans over Democrats by 10 percent.

Fifty-one percent of those likely ‘Murkin voters told Gallup they would vote for a generic Republican over a generic Democrat while only 41 percent said they would vote for a generic Democrat over a generic Republican.

The bad news is the political pharmacy is fresh out of generics and we have to go with the real thing.

Maybe we should take a time out from our “mad as hell and won’t take it anymore” moment to remember how good things really were when the Republicans were kicked out of office in 2006 and 2008 because they’d made such a mess of the country.

The good news is I think the ‘Murkin people are smarter than to ask the old boyfriend to take us to the football game because we really, really liked the way he treated us so badly.

It’s VI Day!! Victory in Iraq Day!! Somebody grab me a nurse to kiss in Times Square!!

What?

Oh? We did that back in 2003?

Hmmm…okay. Well, at least Iraq is now a stable, pluralistic, democratic society where everyone is progressing and feeling good about themselves.

Mission Accomplished: Halliburton, ExxonMobil, BP & Royal Dutch Shell now control nearly all of Iraq’s oil!

So, you see, Cheney and Rumsfeld knew exactly what they were doing. So what if it cost nearly 100,000 Iraqi lives; 5,000 American lives; another 50,000 injured Americans and $1 Trillion?

It’s the cost of doin’ bidness.

***

Okay, you rednecks, hillbillies & trailer trash. See what you’ve done?

You’ve gone and made the Muslims produce a video to reassure us all they’re not scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

They wouldn’t of had to do this except y’all forced ‘em to because of your stompin’ around, acted stupid, sayin’ stupid things and tellin’ everybody Muslims are scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

Here’s the website.

Why don’t you pick on the Episcopalians or the Catholics, for Heaven’s sake? And, hey, why not the Buddhists? You KNOW they’re not gonna fight back.

But a group of Muslims felt the need to produce a very nice, very simply stated little video to say, among other things: “I do not want to take over this country.”

Not even the Catholics had to say THAT! (Well, okay, maybe JFK had to call a press conference to say the Pope would not be Secretary of State in his administration.)

The video even includes a Spanish-speaking Muslim!

That’ll make the rednecks’ heads explode!!

Y’all need to understand something: when the world says it hates ‘Murka, it’s not our freedom they hate. Not really. It’s not our wealth (or the wealth, at least, of the top 1 percent of ‘Murkins). It’s not our conspicuously consumptive way of life, although part of it might be the new Corvette.

No. What the world really hates about ‘Murka is our dumbasses.

We really need to get this out in the open, talk about the elephant in the room and admit it. It’s our dumbasses the world hates most.

We know this because the World ‘Murka Hate Index (the WMHI) was highest when we had as our Dumbass-in-Chief that barely literate guy from Texas. Once we elected an adult as President the WMHI started dropping immediately.

Now that we’re talking obesity as a national epidemic, which is related to our dumbass problem, perhaps we should engage in a national effort to drastically reduce our dumbass epidemic as well.

We can begin by turning off stupid talk radio wingnuts and watching only American Idol on the Fox Networks.

Or we can wait for redneck heads to explode when they see a Spanish-speaking Muslim.

There is in the air the slightest wisp of cool breeze, a harbinger of fall’s crispness just around the corner. The sky is clear, free of moisture after days of reviving rain.

All seems right with the world and, thankfully, our honor has been restored!

What, you say? Our honor has been restored? You didn’t know it had been torn and shattered?

Does this mean I can take the big “A” off my collar? Can I review my discharge?

Yes, that’s right. You may have overlooked it in the busy weekend of summer fun, pre-season football, recalculating your finances now that the kids are back in school.

On the Washington Mall on Saturday, with Abraham Lincoln looking over their shoulders a relatively paltry handful of loyal and God-fearin’ ‘Murkins came together and restored our honor.

Led by TeeVee pitchman and gold salesman, Glenn Beck, the crowd reclaimed our honor from the very spot where 47 years ago Martin Luther King, Jr., proclaimed his dream that white folks and black folks, brown folks and pink folks could live together in freedom at last.

So, we’re all grateful this bunch of white folks on Saturday finally got the message and reclaimed our honor…and bought a little gold just to make sure they would still be able to purchase high fructose corn syrup after the communists take over the economy just any day now.

But just as it took a couple of years for news of Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation to travel the nation in the pre-Internet ‘Murka of the 1860s, word of our honor’s restoration didn’t quite reach some in the hinterland as quickly as one would have thought.

Honor, as a word or concept, doesn’t come quickly to mind when one reads about someone intentionally setting fire to equipment on the site of a mosque under construction in middle Tennessee.

But the Rutherford County, TN., Sheriff’s Office ruled arson as the cause of the fire Saturday night near Murfreesboro at the mosque construction site.

“Our people and community are so worried of what else can happen,” said Essim Fathy, the Islamic Center planning committee chairman said to the Nashville CBS-TV affiliate. “They are so scared.”

“We did not experience hostilities for the 30 years we’ve been here and have only seen the hostility since approval of the site plan for the new center,” said another member of the center’s planning committee.

According to the CBS story, several opponents of the Islamic Center voiced their opposition to the First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom.

“They are not a religion. They are a political, militaristic group,” Bob Shelton, a 76-year-old retiree who lives in the area, told The Associated Press.

Shelton was among several hundred demonstrators who recently wore “Vote for Jesus” T-shirts and carried signs that said “No Sharia law for USA!” referring to the Islamic code of law.

No mosque in Murfreesboro. I don’t want it. I don’t want them here,” said another center opponent Evy Summers to CBS. “Go start their own country overseas somewhere. This is a Christian country. It was based on Christianity.”

Now that our honor is restored, perhaps we can work on education.

UPDATE: Glenn Beck finally said something truthful. On calling the President of the United States a racist: “I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things. That’s just not the way people should behave. And it was not accurate.”

Lisa Murkowski up in Alaska, however, may have to chew for a while on Mama Grizzly gristle.

But the big story of Tuesday’s primary elections is down in Florida where the entire Republican Party establishment is waking up this morning with a bad case of the WTF?s.

Despite pre-primary polling indications, Gazillionaire Rick “Skeletor” Scott spent $50 million of his own cheese and grilled long-time Republican Party of Florida darling and sitting Attorney General Bill McCollum for the RPOF nomination for guv’nah.

The Republican Party of Florida establishment and all its interwoven business interests and lobbying kingpins long ago anointed McCollum to succeed current Guv’nah Charlie Crist after Crist was kicked out of the party for being, well, too not-right-wing-crazy-enough.

Now, what’s a party to do?

It was just 10 short years ago, the Republican Party of Florida was handing the presidency of the United States to George W. Bush. They were riding high. So confident were they that Republican leaders of the Florida Legislature were prepared to completely ignore the outcome of any silly presidential ballot recounts and send all 27 Electoral College delegates to vote for Bush anyway…even if the recount had shown Al Gore won Florida.

But that’s a distant memory now.

Faced with a serious and substantive Democratic candidate for guv’nah in Florida’s current Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink, Florida Republicans must now confront the mega-rich juggernaut that just bought and paid for the party’s nomination.

Sure, the Sunshine State’s newspapers and teevee stations love the guy for boosting their bottom lines by $50 million in the primary but even the staunchest Republicans question the morality of that kind of spending and display of wealth given the hard economic times everyone else is facing.

Republicans tend not to be comfortable with general election campaigns set as morality plays.

Then, there is Teabagger favorite Marco Rubio who, as expected, won the Republican nomination for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by former Sen. Mel Martinez. Rubio is also a RPOF insider, former speaker of the Florida House of Representatives. RPOF insiders don’t like and don’t trust the Gazillionaire who made his fortune on the backs of Medicare payments to his chain of hospitals – and the violations for which his company was forced to pay $1.7 billion in fines for the fraud on taxpayers.

Teabaggers, gazillionaires, indicted former party officials and the disgruntled Charlie Crist fans will make for an uneasy and fractious fall for Florida Republicans.

The Democrats, on the other hand, have the best statewide ticket in Sink for Governor, Kendrick Meek for the Senate and Dan Gelber for Attorney General since Bob Graham and Lawton Chiles were on the ballot.

The Florida Republican leadership must be sitting around, this morning, replaying the final scene of the 1972 Robert Redford movie, “The Candidate,” and asking, “what do we do now?”

This just in: what they WON’T do is, apparently, hold a Unity Rally as they usually do.

Those crazy liberals, wanting to subvert the laws of the nation and the constitution to keep off private property the practice of religion!

The framers of the constitution made it clear: no law shall be made respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free expression thereof.

But these liberals: Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the rest, want to liberally construe that fundamental right to exclude Muslims from it. Probably Methodists, too, if they thought they could!

They liberally apply hate to persuade the rest of us of their point of view.

Clearly, they are constitutional obstructionists who care little about the literal interpretation of the nation’s original founding framework.

Many of them also, apparently, want to go back to the days of the liberal George Bush Administration.

You remember the liberal Bush Administration, of course. How can we forget? It’s indelibly etched on our check books.

George Bush took a $46 billion budget surplus from the Clinton Administration in 2000 and liberally spent it to once again turn ours into a debtor nation.

Bush took the nation’s budget deficit to $2.2 trillion in just his first three years while liberally increasing federal spending by 22 percent. By the end of his term the budget deficit remain around $1.85 trillion.

George Bush liberally took us to war – twice, against two entire nations – all the while insisting we weren’t fighting Islam but, rather, a small pocket of insane criminals and political ideologues.

George Bush liberally ran up the national debt in doing so.

And if that wasn’t enough, George Bush liberally changed the nation’s tax code to give the wealthiest 1 percent of us a very liberal break on their taxes.

Plenty of people want to continue those liberal policies, especially the liberally benefitted wealthy 1 percent who know hold all the power…and 80 percent of all the money.

With the liberal tax cuts in place, Bush and the liberal Republican Congress went about setting the greatest spending spree in U.S. history, culminating of course in the very liberal and generous $700 billion bailout of a number of financial firms suddenly disintegrating.

The firms disintegrated because of a stark and liberal relaxation of the financial industry’s regulation.

But unhappy with the conservative approach to governance by the Obama Administration, these liberals want to return to the days of free spending, tax cuts for the rich, war and liberally applied doses of religious intolerance and xenophobia.

Newt, Rush, Sarah: we don’t need your liberal ways anymore!

Headline: “Last Full Combat Brigade Leaves Iraq.”

Wow! That is, indeed, great news. And thanks, George W. Bush, for taking us on that great adventure. Almost 5,000 dead soldiers of the U.S. and participating Coalition partners; estimates of around 100,000 dead Iraqis; all at a cost of $10,000 EVERY DAY for each man, woman & child in the United States.

But, hey, Iraqi oil ended up in the hands of western oil companies, so there you have it!

Thank you, President Obama, for living up to your promise to extract us from that hell. Now if you would, please, end the war in Afghanistan, too. Thank you, very much.

On to the mailbag…Gee whiz, so much mail, these days, it seems like Christmas…oh, no…wait…it seems like Ramadan!

Actually, it seems like political season. What fun, almost daily hearing from candidates nearly vying for office. And in Florida, that’s some pretty exciting races!

Let’s see where they stand on issues of importance…

Here’s a piece from Rick Scott, the millionaire exploiter of health care costs who is trying to buy his way into Florida’s governor’s mansion.

It has on the outside a photo of a gun. That’s a nice touch.

“Bill McCollum is aiming for your rights,” reads the piece on the outside.

“Florida gun owners can trust Rick Scott,” its reads on the inside. “Career politician Bill McCollum is targeting gun owners.”

Two more gun photos fill up the inside.

Rick Scott is “solid pro gun,” the piece assure us.

That’s nice. I like my elected officials to be “solid pro gun.” Liquid amateur guns are for sissies!

Okay…moving on…here’s another piece…with another gun photo on the outside, this one a pistol laying beside a target pierced with holes in the middle.

“Rick Scott is ‘A’ Rated by the NRA,” reads the piece. “The NRA’s only ‘A’ rated Candidate for Governor.”

So, I must reason, Rick Scott likes his guns. Got it. He is “solid pro gun.”

Hmmm…millionaire exploiting Medicaid payments and likes guns. An American success story! Gee, just the kind of governor of which everyone dreams!

Forget the Yankees vs. the Red Sox. Forget boxers vs. briefs.

Forget George W. Bush’s world of “haves and have mores.” Besides, the Have-Mores own us all, anyway, grabbed us by the short-sales.

We are now officially a society divided with “Yes, we can” and “But should we”? The Yes people on one hand and the But people on the other.

Yes, the Republicans could nominate Sarah Palin as their presidential nominee in 2012 but should they?

Yes, the Alabama Crimson Tide could repeat as NCAA men’s football champions in 2011 but should they?

Yes, some jack-legged network on the TeeVee Box could start yet another inane reality series filled with half-wits and degenerates but should it?

Yes, the Republicans can base an entire campaign season on fear mixed with xenophobia, homophobia and religious bigotry but should they?

Yes, you can wear a striped shirt with plaid pants but should you?

Yes, two billionaires in Florida can try to buy their way into state and national elective office but should they?

Can the voters of Florida be so stupid as to elect those two billionaires? Yes, yes, we can.

Yes, we can believe Jesus manifests himself on a piece of cheese toast but should we?

Yes, Dr. Laura can repeat the “N” word…over and over in rage…and continue to do her show on the live radio but should she? (Ha-ha-ha! No, by her own admission, she shouldn’t.)

And, while we’re at…yes, Douche Limpbranch and Gin BecksBeer can continue to spew their own versions hatred and lies on the live radio each afternoon…but should they?

Yes, we can pick the Miami Dolphins to win the AFC East and possibly even go to the Super Bowl but should we?

Blago can continue to proclaim his innocence on 23 out of the 24 counts but should he?

News Corp., the parent corporation of the Faux News Channel can give $1 million to the Republican Party but should it?

We can continue to claim it somehow violates…something or other…if gay people get married but should we?

Yes, Brett Favre can play again for the Vikings but should he?

Yes, the Tea Party can attempt a hostile takeover of the Republican Party but should it? (For Democrats, the answer would be, “why, yes, please!”)

Gin BecksBeer can spew his racism and hatred on the anniversary of M.L.King’s “I Have a Dream” speech but should he?

We, as a nation, can continue to eat garbage fed to us by giant, thoughtless corporations and grow so fat that when we sit around the house we really sit around the house but should we?

We can ignore the suffering due to floods in Pakistan but should we? We can forget about Haiti but should we?

We can continue to feign a, “yes, we can,” attitude but, at the same time, question our every initiative and cave in to right-wing fear and hysteria…but should we?

A President of the United States can stand up, defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and you people, so torn by fear and paranoia, go berserk with angry rhetoric and condemnation.

What? The President defending the Constitution? Why, that’s…that’s…just downright un-American!

“And a baby cries…in the ghetto…” Oh Elvis, why’d you have leave us (maybe)?

Seriously, can you people hear what you’re saying?

On defending the right in the United States to worship as one pleases, Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich said the President is “pandering to radical Islam.”

Sarah Palin refudiated the President’s defense of the Constitution by acknowledging Muslims, like everyone else, have a right to worship anywhere they please in the U.S. of A. But “should they?,” she asks.

Peter King, a Republican congressman from New York, suggested President Obama is rubbing salt in the wound of 9/ll by pointing out the Constitution defends the right to worship as we are lead to worship.

In case you’ve been under a rock since Friday or catching oil soaked shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico, the President of the United States, speaking to a gathering of Muslims celebrating the beginning of the holy month of Ramadan with a White House dinner, pointed out what every American first grader knows:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The President’s defense of basic rights just didn’t sit well with basic right-winters; hate-mongers dedicated to dividing us against ourselves at every turn. No siree Bob. We can’t have a country where all are welcomed! That just won’t do and, besides, they don’t have a clear enough message to drive people to the voting booth unless they scare the bejeebers out of us with fear and paranoia.

So, okay, let’s a few points straight:

Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.

1. Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.
2. Right-Wing Muslim radicals and extremists are not alone in their violent rhetoric and actions. Christian and Jewish extremists and radicals can match them word for word and, mostly, act for act.
3. If we have any chance at all of overcoming this kind of violent action by religious heretics and dangerous thugs, we have to stand strong for the ideals which establish the very core of this great social experiment we call America. It doesn’t matter if our own radicals don’t like it very much, everyone is welcome to worship as they please.

And besides, all three great Abrahamic faiths – Jewish, Muslim & Christian – require us to acknowledge and treat as brothers and sisters those of the other faiths.

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and the rest of the radical paranoids have a right in America to say whatever they wish about others…but should they?