So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!

Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?

Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!

That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!

This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!

We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!

The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!

And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.

Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.

Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith.  

Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”

“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”

And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.

“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.

And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11^th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.

And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”

Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.

The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.

Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!

“Oh, wait…this just in…

“A crap-load of secret documents has just been released on the Internet which suggests war sucks generally and the war in Afghanistan sucks even more than we already know…

“…and Alberto Contador will take his third Le Tour de France victory in four years.”

Really? The war in Afghanistan is going badly? War is insane and a shame on humanity? No kidding?

The revelations released Sunday on Wikileaks and covered ad naseum by the New York Times, the Guardian of London & Der Spiegel tell us much we already knew: the Taliban is a strong force in Afghanistan; the Pakistani spy corps, the ISI, may actually be helping the Taliban; the U.S. is using more drone missiles that we let on…and…

…oh yea…who’s idea was it, anyway, to start a war in a country history shows has always repelled invaders?

Well, it was our idea – the American people’s idea. Oh sure, we were goaded into by a gung-ho president and congress – and, especially, the some of the world’s greatest news organizations.

You’ll recall a butch of thugs based in Afghanistan launched an amazing and horrible attack on the U.S. back in 2001 using hijack commercial airliners to crash into New York and Washington. It was hell, the worst attack ever on the United States.

Thugs pulled this off; a relatively small band of thugs. The U.S. had to respond in kind. Don’t stop to try to understand what led to this attack. Don’t try to figure out why the band of thugs hated us so much. No time for that. By golly, we’d been hit and we had to hit back.

You know, “whoever slaps you on the right check, turn around and slap the crap out of ‘em.”

Rather than pursuing a smart police action, rounding up the criminals in Afghanistan, we decided to launch a full scale war. Then we decided that wasn’t enough. We had to launch another full scale war on another country that didn’t have anything at all to do with the attacks in 2001.

Makes perfect sense.

We did such a good job in Vietnam we just had to try it again. The Soviet Union had such great success in Afghanistan in the 1980s, we just had to do ‘em one better and show ‘em how you really crush an enemy.

The Wikileaks, NY Times. Guardian & Der Spiegel examination of the secret documents on Afghanistan tell us the war is really bad. Thanks for letting us know.

Violence begets violence. Maybe that’s where we really excel!

Memo to God of Abraham:

CC: Buddha

Maybe you outa give up on trying to make us learn the ways of peace. We ain’t listenin’.

Tropical storms and hurricanes are meteorological bullies.

The only difference between hurricanes and human bullies is hurricanes can do real damage.

Human bullies are usually just thugs; insecure brats who act out because of deep, empty holes in their souls. They only time they do any real damage is if they actually gain some sort of power: political or financial.

Think dictators, fascists, greedy money traders, giant corporations, oligarchs, plutarchs.

American political history is rife with bullies. The corporate barons of the gilded age, come to mind; Sen. Joe McCarthy. Father Charles Caughlin was the first political bully of the mass communications age. These were all 20^th Century phenomena.

This current crop of bullies in the 21^st Century is no different, really. Sure, they have their own network at Fox. But they’re really no different than any others in history.

Limbaugh, Beck, Ingram, Breitbart, Hannity, Savage, O’Reilly…they’re all just bullies. They make a lot of money, of course, because heavy corporate interests use them to advance the agenda of middle-class destruction and wealth distribution – up to the wealthy and corporate interests.

But they’re really just bullies. This Breitbart thug and his cronies at Fox did some real damage this week, bullying the Obama Administration, the NAACP and a fine public servant, Shirley Sherrod. But they’ve done it before. Think Van Jones, ACORN. Think racists bullies…which is, of course, redundant.

It’s a shameful history repeating itself.

FDR has his bully faction to deal with (Not to be confused with TR’s bully pulpit!)

FDR had the American Liberty League. Formed in 1934, the Liberty League was funded by the Dupont Family and their corporate buddies to oppose labor unions and FDR’s New Deal policies.

Supporters included U.S. Steel, General Motors, General Foods, Standard Oil, Colgate, Heinz Foods, Chase National Bank, Goodyear Tire and Rubber and many other corporate giants of the day.

The league rallied support for the conservative-dominated U.S. Supreme Court to overturn FDR’s agenda. (Remember the court-packing episode in FDR’s tenure?) A suggestion exists they even tried to stage a coup.

The only difference between then and now is that many of the prominent leaguers were Democrats. Al Smith, the Democratic nominee for president in 1928 was a leader, as was Dean Acheson, who would become Harry Truman’s Secretary of State, and 1924 Democratic nominee John W. Davis.

The effort died out in 1940. The greater good at the time was served so much better by FDR’s reforms and actions than by continued greed.

But the message was much the same then as now: “defend and uphold the Constitution, lower taxes, more freedom.” Hollow bromides masking the real intent: power to exploit.

They certainly had their way, got much of what they wanted during the Bush years. Now, we’re cleaning up the mess – financial calamity, oil in the Gulf of Mexico, two needless wars, massive federal debt.

The bullies of today would rather we keep the mess. It’s easier to exploit a society in shock and chaos.

And, very often, it’s the same whiners whining about both!

Grow up, people. You are not the only ones on this planet and you don’t have all the answers.

It never ceases to be amazing how white people react with such venom when anyone points out obvious racism.

Some redneck spits, “Obama plan: white slavery!”

Someone else points out the obvious.

Then some other redneck says, “Why that’s racism, accusing me of racism. You racist!”

Ha-ha-ha! It’s almost laughable, really…except it’s so sad.

The NAACP calls out the obvious racism of TeaParty chants and signs and messages and the teabaggers get their lily white noses outa joint and say, “it’s racist to call us racists.”

The next thing you know some right-wing kook with a blog and TV show puts out a video tape of a USDA official – who just oh so coincidentally happens to be African-American – and gets the NAACP all twisted up and playing defense.

By this time, the racists are demanding today’s equivalent of a lynching as sacrifice to the white power structure and the USDA official is fired.

Oh…but, gosh, who could have seen this coming? The racists edited the tape, told a big ol’ whopping bald-faced lie and now everyone is sorry and the USDA is taking everything back. Sorry. Our bad.

“They just want to stir up some trouble, it seems to me in my opinion,” said a humble Georgia white farmer of the right-wing attempts to seek retribution against African-American public servants.

“Stir up trouble.” That’s the age-old tactic for fighting back from a place of cowardice.

And racists are world-class cowards.

So are fundamentalist Christians and Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins who get outa joint about Muslims wanting to build an Islamic Center in Manhattan, near the former site of the World Trade Towers and everyone goes postal. Sad.

Oh…but wait…this just in…

Maybe there IS something more pathetic than all that. It’s the Florida Legislature!

The Republican majority Legislature took less than an hour on Tuesday to tell former Republican Gov. Chain Gang Charlie Crist to take his proposed offshore oil drilling ban and stick down the Deepwater Horizon drill hole.

Crist, now an independent and running for the U.S. Senate, called the lawmakers to Tallahassee for the express purpose of drafting a constitutional amendment for Sunshine State voters that would have, if adopted on the ballot in November, placed a permanent ban on oil drilling in Florida waters.

No matter that over 70 percent of Florida voters favor an oil drilling ban, the Republican majority in the legislature was having nothing to do with impeding the ability of Big Oil to foul the coasts.

Well, that and the fact that oil barons gave legislators nearly $300,000 between January 2009 and March 2010…with an additional $185,000 to the Florida GOBP. (And, for the record, $77,000 to the Florida Democratic Party.)

Miffed that Crist continues to lead the U.S. Senate race even after they kicked him out of the GOBP, the Republicans in the legislature said the special session was “because of politics.” Imagine that.

Florida’s Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink, the leading Democratic candidate to replace Crist at the governor’s mansion called the legislature, “a complete failure.”

“Instead of action, the tone deaf Florida Legislature has been twiddling their thumbs,” she said, pointing out the lawmakers should have also addressed the severe economic hits taken by people and businesses in the Florida Panhandle because of the oil spill.

Sarah Palin, the former half-governor of Alaska, which can see Russia from its front porch, may be on to something.

We’ve become a nation of such intellectual giants we can only hope, now, to elect presidents in the future based on the number and obsequiousness of words they completely make up.

Forget writing books – and I mean really writing books, not having someone else write it. No more, Profiles in Courage. Forget about, The Audacity of Hope.

We’re talking, here, about the audacity of dopes. We’ll just make up words, apply them with malapropitude and may the best mangler win!

This is why Palin is tied with – or maybe even leading – President Obama in 2012 polls.

Make up words! Dazzle the Dilberts with shiny syntactical objects! Go ahead, you’ve the legs for it!

Performing magic tricks on the Faux News tee vee box show with Shame Humanity, Palindrome suggested the President should REFUDIATE the NAACP (or maybe the NCAA) for suggesting the racist TeaParty is racist.

Within moments, the blogosphere and twitscape were ablaze with chortles and guffaws. (“Have you been injured in a humorous accident? Call the law firm of Chortles & Guffaws, LLP.)

Realizing the linguistic lapse, after a while, Palin tried to distance herself from the gaff.

Ha-ha-ha! No, she didn’t.

She chose to compare herself to Billy Shakespeare who was also elected president by making up words – right after he invented the fishing pole.

“Refudiate,” “misunderestimate,” “wee-wee’d up.” English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it,” she tweeted…really, not making it up.

So, with all the refugnance due the intellectual leader of the Refublican Party, she will refulse any grandiosity toward resfect for the English language of which she speaks and move our refublic toward a refroachful refrobation of refulsve refose.

After all, who needs any intellect to be president? No the Refublican Party! (See: 2000 to 2008.)

President Obama would do well to heed the warnings and begin immediately a program of language mutilation if he hopes to have any chance at all in 2012 with the half-wits.

Even if he has not the legs for it.

Coincidence?

Hmmm….Did passage of a Wall Street reform bill play any role in any of this? (Maybe it would have if any real reform had been passed.)

Hmmm…did anyone ever see Ringo Starr and Yasser Arafat in the same room at the same time?

Did someone forget to tell HTC-Columbia’s Mark Renshaw there is NO HEAD-BUTTING in Le Tour de France?

All thanks and praise be to Glenn Beck for revealing to us that politically progressive people are enemies of God.

“The word was, ‘hot dog.’ And we ate it!” – Pastor Rod Flash.

Back in D.C. the both Republicans and Democrats were quick to…wait for it…find fault with each other in the earthquake. (Credit: @DCDebbie)

Fox News found the fault lay in the Black Panthers Movement…of the 1960s.

As U2 once suggested: shake, rattle and hmmm…

Thank heavens, the Teabaggers were quick to deny any and all racism in the racist tea party rants such as those from teabag leader Mark Williams who posted on his blog, MarkTalk.com, a whimsical imaginary letter from the NAACP to President Lincoln:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing.  Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards.  That is just far too much to ask of us [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week.  We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

…rant…rant…rant…taxes…tea parties not racist…taxes…rant…whatever…

…Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever.  We had a great gig.  Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by someone else.  Please repeal the 13^th and 14^thAmendments and let us get back to where we say that belong.

Sincerely

Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew,  National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

Nope, no racism in that at all.

Just can’t imagine where folks come up with the idea these right-wing fascists are racists.

And morons.

At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

80 percent of Ohioans think LeBron James sucks.

100 percent of South Floridans think Lebron James is a superhero and the greatest basketball player of all time and are danged glad to see him in a Heat uniform.

50 percent of you think the American League sucks.

50 percent of you think the National League sucks, even though it finally won an All-Star game.

78.3 percent of you are glad we no longer have to listen to Vuvuzelas bogging on the TeeVee Box speakers.

46 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Democrat than a sucky Republican.

47 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Republican than a sucky Democrat.

Ah, yes…but 42 percent of you think Democrats are less sucky on economic issues while only 34 percent of you think Republicans are less sucky on economic issues.

62 percent of you think the Congress wouldn’t suck so bad if it extended unemployment benefits. Another 36 percent said Congress would suck worse.

60 percent of Southeast Alabamians say they don’t want a Teabagger representing them in the Congress.

100 percent of Mama Grizzlies don’t always know when something is wrong and only read about their daughters’ re-engagement to baby daddy Levi Johnston on the cover of US Weekly magazine.

Pastor Mark Elliott told the TEDGlobal 2010 Conference in Oxford (England, not Mississippi) 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles.

First Lady Michelle Obama told the NAACP 80 percent of all Americans believe in Miracle Whip…and we should cut it out!

80 percent of all right-wing nut jobs believe First Lady Michelle Obama should leave our children alone and let them be fat.

55 to 60 percent of our food contains high fructose corn syrup.

Over the last 30 years, we’ve increased our consumption of high fructose corn syrup by 1000 percent.

In addition to making us fat, diabetic, lethargic and riddled with heart disease, .0000000003 percent of us (me) also think fructose makes us dumbasses.

Quiz: which of these events presents the most disappointment and dread?

Answer: Mama Grizzlies.

(It was a trick question.)

What, exactly, is with the extremist right wing in this country and all the talk of animals and shootin’ guns and teeth-barin’ metaphors?

Seems to be working, though.

Sarah Palin compares right-wing female politicians to Mama Grizzlies and her political action committee raises nearly $1 million in the second quarter.

Nevada senatorial candidate Sharron Angle suggests armed revolt might be the answer to today’s troubled nation and she wins the GOP nomination.

Some winger fringe preacher says a Yellowstone National Park visitor killed by a bear is God’s revenge for researchers drugging the bear to study it…rather than killing it.

Then, of course, there is the famous admission by abortion extremist Neal Horsley that everyone growing up on a farm has sex with mules.

Oh…wait…that’s a different story.

Palin has long made the best out of animal metaphors, of course. Pit bulls and pigs with lipstick became a national phrases célèbre during the 2008 presidential campaign. So much so that, by golly, she’s stickin’ with it.

“I always think of the mama grizzly bears that rise up on their hind legs when somebody’s coming to attack their cubs, to do something ADVERSE toward their cubs,” Palin recently told an adoring audience, not at a zoo.

“You thought pit bulls were tough, well you don’t mess with the mama grizzlies. Look out, Washington, because there’s a whole stampede of pink elephants crossin’ the line and the ETA — stampeding through — is November 2nd, 2010. Lotta women, comin’ together.”

Palin was, of course, comparing politicians and office-seekers who happen to be women – and right wing – to mama grizzlies. That’s sweet and all – and certainly a different view of women than one might get from, say, the National Organization of Women or Emily’s List.

Maybe just a few too many pink elephants stampeding along. Who knows?

“It seems like it’s kind of a mom awakening in the last year and a half, where women are rising up and saying, ‘No, we’ve had enough already.’ Because moms kinda just know when something’s wrong,” she said.

We all know when something’s wrong. One just can’t put lipstick on a pig and expect anyone to see it as anything but a pig.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Suck it, Cleveland. And you suck it, too, New York…losers.

Seriously, let me get his straight. You’re a 25-year-old superstar and you get to pick anywhere to play basketball for lots and lots of money and your choices are Cleveland, New York, Chicago and Miami. And you don’t pick Miami?

Do you realize basketball is played – mostly – in the winter? And, if you have the choice, you’d rather come home to Cleveland, New York or Chicago? Really? Seriously?

The Kardashian trollops have already announced they’re leaving their current NBA horses and will be happy to post up in the middle for the King James court. Don’t sweat it, LeBron. The Kardashians are trolls compared to the rest of the South Beach senoritas.

And back in Cleveland there is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth – what few there are. Forty-something guys in jacked up Monte Carlos are drivin’ around in old gym shorts and knee-high socks cussin’ and spittin’ and burnin’ Cavs swag in the streets. Stay classy, Cleveland.

The AP reports the left side of this morning’s Cleveland Plain Dealer front page is covered by a full-length image of James, in uniform, seen from behind as he walks away.

And up in New York, the Times reports this: “Miami in pinstripes: the new evil empire.” Sour grapes for breakfast?

New York just arrogantly assumed LeBron would want to play in Madison Square Garden. Hey, yo, New York! Here’s a clue: Miami is the New York of the 21^st Century…but with better weather and beaches…and women. (And men, for that matter.)

Cavalier’s owner Dan Gilbert might have provided some insight as to why LeBron chose to leave that erudite and lovely city with this screed posted to the Cav’s website last night (originally posted in Comic San Serif typeface…no kidding):

“Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight,” wrote Gilbert.

“As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

“This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you….

“You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE

“The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. Just watch.”

Nice. Real nice. Literate, too.

The only problem is there is no such thing as bad karma on Ocean Drive. LeBron, Bosh & Flash. Someone’s already termed them: “the Miami Slam Machine.”

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on OxyContin.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “If Obama weren’t black he’d be a tour guide in Honolulu.”

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!