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It’s our dumbasses the world hates most!

Posted on September 1, 2010 By

MissionAccomplished

Yea! Mission Accomplished!! Hip-Hooray!!

It’s VI Day!! Victory in Iraq Day!! Somebody grab me a nurse to kiss in Times Square!!

What?

Oh? We did that back in 2003?

Hmmm…okay. Well, at least Iraq is now a stable, pluralistic, democratic society where everyone is progressing and feeling good about themselves.

Mission Accomplished: Halliburton, ExxonMobil, BP & Royal Dutch Shell now control nearly all of Iraq’s oil!

So, you see, Cheney and Rumsfeld knew exactly what they were doing. So what if it cost nearly 100,000 Iraqi lives; 5,000 American lives; another 50,000 injured Americans and $1 Trillion?

It’s the cost of doin’ bidness.

***

Okay, you rednecks, hillbillies & trailer trash. See what you’ve done?

You’ve gone and made the Muslims produce a video to reassure us all they’re not scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

They wouldn’t of had to do this except y’all forced ‘em to because of your stompin’ around, acted stupid, sayin’ stupid things and tellin’ everybody Muslims are scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

Here’s the website.

Why don’t you pick on the Episcopalians or the Catholics, for Heaven’s sake? And, hey, why not the Buddhists? You KNOW they’re not gonna fight back.

But a group of Muslims felt the need to produce a very nice, very simply stated little video to say, among other things: “I do not want to take over this country.”

Not even the Catholics had to say THAT! (Well, okay, maybe JFK had to call a press conference to say the Pope would not be Secretary of State in his administration.)

The video even includes a Spanish-speaking Muslim!

That’ll make the rednecks’ heads explode!!

Y’all need to understand something: when the world says it hates ‘Murka, it’s not our freedom they hate. Not really. It’s not our wealth (or the wealth, at least, of the top 1 percent of ‘Murkins). It’s not our conspicuously consumptive way of life, although part of it might be the new Corvette.

No. What the world really hates about ‘Murka is our dumbasses.

We really need to get this out in the open, talk about the elephant in the room and admit it. It’s our dumbasses the world hates most.

We know this because the World ‘Murka Hate Index (the WMHI) was highest when we had as our Dumbass-in-Chief that barely literate guy from Texas. Once we elected an adult as President the WMHI started dropping immediately.

Now that we’re talking obesity as a national epidemic, which is related to our dumbass problem, perhaps we should engage in a national effort to drastically reduce our dumbass epidemic as well.

We can begin by turning off stupid talk radio wingnuts and watching only American Idol on the Fox Networks.

Or we can wait for redneck heads to explode when they see a Spanish-speaking Muslim.

Takes one to know one!!

Posted on July 28, 2010 By

JesusThinksURAdumbass

BREAKING NEWS: Here, on the 100th day of the Gulf Oil Disaster, the New York Times announces the Gulf is all good now. Nothing to see…move along…go on about your business…thanks for playin’. Gee, who knew it would be so easy?

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!

Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?

Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!

That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!

This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!

We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!

The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!

And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.

Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.

Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith.  

Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”

“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”

And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.

“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.

And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.

And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”

Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.

The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.

Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!

‘Murkins to Washington: You Suck!

Posted on July 14, 2010 By

It is Le Quatorze Juillet and Americans are storming the metaphorical Bastille!

At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

80 percent of Ohioans think LeBron James sucks.

100 percent of South Floridans think Lebron James is a superhero and the greatest basketball player of all time and are danged glad to see him in a Heat uniform.

50 percent of you think the American League sucks.

50 percent of you think the National League sucks, even though it finally won an All-Star game.

78.3 percent of you are glad we no longer have to listen to Vuvuzelas bogging on the TeeVee Box speakers.

46 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Democrat than a sucky Republican.

47 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Republican than a sucky Democrat.

Ah, yes…but 42 percent of you think Democrats are less sucky on economic issues while only 34 percent of you think Republicans are less sucky on economic issues.

62 percent of you think the Congress wouldn’t suck so bad if it extended unemployment benefits. Another 36 percent said Congress would suck worse.

60 percent of Southeast Alabamians say they don’t want a Teabagger representing them in the Congress.

100 percent of Mama Grizzlies don’t always know when something is wrong and only read about their daughters’ re-engagement to baby daddy Levi Johnston on the cover of US Weekly magazine.

Pastor Mark Elliott told the TEDGlobal 2010 Conference in Oxford (England, not Mississippi) 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles.

First Lady Michelle Obama told the NAACP 80 percent of all Americans believe in Miracle Whip…and we should cut it out!

80 percent of all right-wing nut jobs believe First Lady Michelle Obama should leave our children alone and let them be fat.

55 to 60 percent of our food contains high fructose corn syrup.

Over the last 30 years, we’ve increased our consumption of high fructose corn syrup by 1000 percent.

In addition to making us fat, diabetic, lethargic and riddled with heart disease, .0000000003 percent of us (me) also think fructose makes us dumbasses.

The Fox & the GOP Hen House.

Posted on June 28, 2010 By

fox-news-billboard

Sen. Byrd and Sen. Kennedy can now resume their sometimes heated, sometimes cordial debates to delight of God – because she will appreciate the unparalleled thoughtfulness and intelligence.

In many ways, Sen. Byrd’s growth as a legislator and person embodied the growth of the American people in the 20th Century: from narrow-minded fear to an embrace of a much broader view of the world and compassion.

Ah, yes, but if only we could drag along that boisterous minority that clings to fear as its primary motivation.

Fear of losing something they have.

Fear of not getting something they want.

Fear of others acting in ways they deem inappropriate.

Fear in the electorate is fueled by the desire of the political minority to achieve ultimate power. But those seeking power at all costs fail to understand electoral power in the good ol’ US of A can’t be realized without…um…the backing of the people. At least, not yet.

And one-dimensional historical interpretations can not tell a complete or accurate story.

Take, for example, the small minority who fear the Obama Presidency. Who knows why they really fear President Obama. Who knows if it makes any sense, politically or philosophically? It’s just fear and fear – by any measure – is irrational.

The President could hold a press conference today to announce the sky will continue to remain blue and Fox News would immediately campaign to its minions to oppose such an outlandish projection.

The GOP once found Fox News convenient and useful. Having an entire network at a political party’s disposal is very useful, indeed, and unprecedented in American politics. But it’s been quite evident for a while that rather than the GOP controlling Fox News, the Fox has been put in charge of guarding the GOP hen house.

The GOP has grown increasingly cloistered in the hollow and howling absurdities of the Fox.

Never before has such a weak and fear-driven minority been given such a disproportionately loud voice.

One of Fox News’ latest campaigns has been to demonize – yet again – the Obama Administration’s successful effort to get Gulf of Mexico destroyer BP to cough up $20 billion for an escrow fund to pay for damage.

According to a CNN poll, 85 percent of Americans support that move by the President. Only 5 percent of Americans think President Obama has been too tough on BP.

And, yet, Fox News trot scores of protagonists to defend BP against the harsh attacks by President Obama. The Fox is shoutin’ but the chickens ain’t listenin’.

Maybe rather than Fox, the network should rename itself the News That Cried Wolf.

One final note: Frances Cobb Hart would have turned 81 today. Bless her.

Tony Hayward: I’d rather be sailing…

Posted on June 21, 2010 By

BOByachtFarr52

An important message from British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward:

Dear American Friends,

I am happy to report to you, this morning, from the lovely weather and clear seas of the British coast where we all enjoyed a most spectacular weekend racing aboard my beloved Farr 52 yacht, “Bob,” in the legendary Round the Island Race hosted by JP Morgan and the Island Yacht Club.

Oh, I know what you may be thinking: why in the world would Ol’ Tony go racing while that nasty oil is still leaking slightly into the Gulf of Mexico?

But let me re-emphasis my point. This was the Round the Island Race, one of the most important yacht races of the year in Britain and as anyone will tell you racing proficiently on the Solent is challenging for any sailor.

It was not all champagne and roses, let me tell you. We only managed a forth place finish, due to extremely poor crew work on the start. The sandwiches were mushy by lunch time and the beer a bit flat.

To top it all off, we were beaten by our old nemesis John Caulcutt aboard his 57-foot Swan ketch…a KETCH, for God’s sake!!

Nonetheless it was exciting to see 1,600 yachts out on the water with spinnakers flying.

Let me be clear, also, to some of you naysayers. This was no ordinary race; not like racing around the Mississippi Sound from some of those miserable excuses for yacht clubs in Biloxi and Gulfport. Sailing at night between the unlit drill pipes is harrowing.

Sure, the Southern Yacht Club is very nice but, really, yachting on the square waves of Lake Ponchartrain is piss-poor compared to the majestic waters around the Isle of Wight.

What I mean is I realize that nasty little business in the Gulf of Mexico has disrupted the lives of many small people but it was good to get my life back for a bit and be among my mates racing the wind and that buggery Swan ketch.

After all, the Gulf of Mexico is a very big body of water; the world’s biggest lake, really. And the amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.

Please, we have lots of ocean left and let me tell you it was glorious this weekend on The Channel.

Yes, yes, yes. I know we told you in the beginning the Deepwater Horizon rig was only leaking about 5,000 barrels a day. But we have since revised that figure, trying to be accurate always, to perhaps around 100,000 barrels a day…give or take a few thousands barrels a day.

And, yes, I know BP stock has lost roughly have its value since the little incident began but let me assure you we have plenty of cash so the small people needn’t worry. You’ll get your pittance when we’re ready for you to have it.

In the meantime, I have much more important matters to consider. I realize after this weekend’s racing, I probably need to upgrade Bob’s sail computers and I’m thinking, maybe, a new set of sails might be in order.

Cheerio! And good luck to you all, fair weather and good sailing!

There’s gold in them thar Afghan hills!!

Posted on June 14, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: U.S. officials say $1 trillion worth of minerals have been found in the mountains and dry lake beds of Afghanistan!

In a related announcement, U.S. officials say the new U.S. colony of Afghanistan will be renamed, Pandora, and a team from Halliburton and Massey Mining will begin immediately extracting the Unobtanium from beneath the surface.

Seriously, $1 trillion in iron, copper, gold, cobalt and lithium in Afghanistan? What could possibly go wrong?

Forget the poppies, maaaan. Everyone will want to get mellow on the lithium…while also powering our batteries!!

Curiously, enough, the cost of the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan have, so far, cost $1 trillion. Well, waddya know? Guess, maybe, we owe Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz an apology for doubting them.

Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Mexico, officials with BP say they’ve discovered gold and cobalt pouring from the undersea volcano known as the Deepwater Horizon mine…er…well.

No, just kidding about that. Its still hydrocarbons and chemicals gushing forth to kill the Gulf.

But, they, the good news is President Obama will make his fourth trip today to the Redneck Riviera where he’ll get in a little beach time (unrefined oil and saltwater make an excellent SP 15 sunscreen, or is that STP oil treatment 15?). He’ll talk to the locals, assure them he feels their pain and, maybe, get in a little golf at SanDestin, now renamed OilSandsDestin.

No, just kidding about that, too. Remember, he’s lookin’ to kick a little ass so, BP officials, I don’t think I’d mess with him right now. I think he means it.

And to show he means it, he’ll address us all on the TeeVee Box on Tuesday night when he returns from the Coast Formerly Known as Emerald. He’s gonna tell us he will demand BP immediately set up an escrow account to make sure the money is there to repay Gulf Coast residents for their losses.

BP has, by the way, $7 billion in cash. Tony Heyward carries it around in a steel briefcase. It also has the capacity to borrow $15 billion and is – or was – expecting to make $34 billion this year. Costs of cleaning up this disaster will reach $123 million…and climbing.  BP was planning to give its shareholders $10.5 billion of that cheese. They may have to take IOUs.

The President will have to take a break from kicking ass, however to hear the bitchin’ from oil industry workers about his moratorium on offshore oil drilling. Tobacco workers complained, too, about all that silly nonsense suggesting smoking kills.

Hey, Mr. President, here’s a thought: let’s retrain all those roughnecks and put them to work building solar panels and wind turbines and lithium batteries. I understand we just struck the mother lode. Just a thought.

Oh yea…and one final, little tinsy-tiny note: The National Hurricane Center center says a very unusual early season Cape Verde-type weather system half-way between Africa and South America might grow into the season’s first tropical depression.

The good news is forecast models are not – so far – giving it much chance to survive into a storm.

Under siege by a foreign corporation…

Posted on June 7, 2010 By

It’s Monday, all you oil-soaked peeps and beaks, we’re now at 50 days into the killing of a major ocean.

The bad news is we’re now officially under siege by a foreign oil corporation and being held hostage by its greed, incompetence and general disdain for humankind and Mother Earth.

But the good news is…oh, wait, there isn’t any good news.

“This is a siege across the entire gulf,” said U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen over the weekend on the TeeVee Box. “This spill is holding everybody hostage, not only economically but physically. And it has to be attacked on all fronts.”

So, would someone PLEASE attack it? AND save a little punishment for the corporation responsible for it?

“This is the most messed up thing I’ve ever seen,” said another astute observer.

Yep, it is quite possibly this will be the most messed up thing we’re likely to see it our lifetimes.

“This is worse than the financial meltdown,” continued the astute observer. “We can overcome money disasters.”

So, let’s take stock.

The Gulf of Mexico contains 2,434, 000 cubic kilometers of water or 642,994,775,444,240,000 gallons.

It now also contains between 30 million and 117 million gallons of oil plus another 1 million gallons of chemicals intended to, um, disperse the oil.

So…carry the 1…sin(ax)sin(bx) – k cos(ax)cos(bx)… let’s see…that means roughly 1.807723911257192e-10 percent of the Gulf of Mexico is now filled with oil and cancer-causing chemicals.

One is legally drunk is Florida when one’s blood alcohol content reaches .08 percent. Just sayin’.

But not to worry, the “drill-baby-drill” crowd has it all under control.

Why just this past weekend, Drill-Baby (otherwise known as Sarah Palin) posted on her Facebook page the root cause of this catastrophe of Biblical proportions.

Yes, you guessed it: the “extreme environmentalists.”

“With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet,” wrote the half-term governor of Alaska.

“Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous.

“Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it.”

How could we have been so wrong to oppose offshore oil drilling?

Finally, noted carnival sideshow barker and human cartoon Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend to his fourth wife. Newt Gingrich was there with his third wife.

It’s good to celebrate life-long commitments and family values.

Hurricane Toxic Stu…

Posted on June 2, 2010 By

Welcome to Hurricane Season 2010!

Here to throw out the ceremonial first pitch is international energy conglomerate, British Petroleum!! Or – as its marketing campaign once told us – “Beyond Petroleum.”

That’s right: Beyond Petroleum all the way into destroying one of the world’s great oceans. But all this is really stressing out BP CEO Tony Hayward. He wants his life back. Maybe he should give back some of his $8 million salary & bonus.

Hurricane Season 2010 could be a very active season; or it could be an also-ran in the history of great hurricane seasons. We always hope for the later but prepare for the former.

As an expert hurricane watcher and emergency management director once said, “it only takes one storm to make it a really bad year.”

Maybe the National Hurricane Center should suspend the normal alphabetical listing of storm names and call the first Gulf storm, “Hurricane Toxic Stu.”

‘Cause that’s what it’s gonna be.

Estimates suggest the Gulf of Mexico now contains between 44 million and 100 million gallons of oil, just sloshing about on the surface and in large undersea plumes. Add to that nearly 1 million gallons of potentially deadly chemicals have been added to the noxious mash by BP in an effort to break up the oil. (Can you spell, Corexit?)

In short, the Gulf of Mexico has become a poisonous gumbo just waiting to be served up hot and with gusto by a hurricane churning its way up the suffering sea.  Crude oil and potentially cancer-causing chemicals are not something we want to see added to the already deadly potential of hurricanes.

Devastating wind, 8 to 10 foot storm surge, oil-soaked battering rain and toxic chemicals could make any landfalling storm in the Gulf even more deadly than usual – and potentially for many years to come. Way beyond petroleum.

Oh sure, the chemicals are safe enough – says BP, the EPA & the Coast Guard.

Corexit, one of the main chemicals being poured into the oil to break it up into smaller, less obvious chunks, is absolutely safe according to its manufacturer, Nalco or Napierville, IL.

“Prompt deployment of Nalco COREXIT® oil spill dispersants is one very effective and proven method of minimizing the impact of a spill on the environment,” says the Nalco website. “ When the COREXIT dispersants are deployed on the spilled oil, the oil is broken up into tiny bio-degradable droplets that immediately sink below the surface where they continue to disperse and bio-degrade.”

Wait…what? Biodegrade? Molecules that once made up dinosaurs and have laid deep in the earth’s crust for millions of years only to be sucked out again and used for fuel? Biodegrade? Really? Hydrocarbons?

Whachu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

Ah, yes, but the EPA  says the shelf life of the chemical is unlimited. The EPA also suggests taking great precautions when handling the stuff.

“Avoid prolonged breathing of vapors. Use with ventilation equal to unobstructed outdoors in moderate breeze. Avoid eye contact. Avoid contact with skin and clothing. Remove contaminated clothing, including shoes, after flushing has begun. If irritation persists, seek medical attention. For open systems where contact is likely, wear long sleeve shirt, chemical resistant gloves, and chemical protective goggles.”

Okay…no problem. Oh, and one last comment from the Nalco website:

“By keeping the oil from adhering to wildlife COREXIT dispersants effectively protect the environment.”

Hurricane Toxic Stu.

Junk shots all over the place!

Posted on May 28, 2010 By

BP backed off its first junk shot and after a rest and, maybe, some protein will try another junk shot.

It’s a hard business.

BP or “Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans” will get a visit today from President Obama. He will, no doubt, kick their corporate ass before donning his Aquaman suit, swimming down 5,000 feet and plugging the volcano himself with one of the whale carcasses he may find.

Probably gonna be a lot of junk shots today.

After all, the President took full responsibility yesterday, explaining the federal government’s been in charge of this fiasco from day one. That was, of course, before he realized BP decided on its own to pull out of the initial junk shot leaving us all disappointed and unfulfilled.

“I take responsibility,” said the President during an afternoon presser. “It is my job to make sure that everything is done to shut this down. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away or the way I’d like it to happen. That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to make mistakes.”

Then he told us even his 11-year-old daughter, Malia, is concerned.

“You know, when I woke up this morning and I’m shaving, and Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she says, ‘did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’”

No, sweetie, Daddy didn’t plug the hole, yet.

But, hey, the good news is officials of Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans described this disaster of Biblical proportions as – not making this up – an “environmental catastrophe.”

Thanks Tony Hayward, head of BP in ‘Murka, for upgrading your assessment from “a modest spill.”

Lots of junk shots today.

Fearful of losing headline attention, Sarah Palin is tweeting (again, can’t make this up): “I never say drill,baby,drill. Ahh, that’s much of the problem, Mr.President, Drill ANWR & unlock land for safe onshore devlpmnt/energy security.”

Seriously? Hey Sarah, let’s go to the video tape.

Speaking of mouthing off, where’s Dick Cheney been? He’s always good for a quote about the Obama Administration. No? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh yea, that’s right…his, um, cozy and helpful relationship with the oil industry just might share a teeny-tiny bit of the blame for all this. Maybe, once the Gulf of Mexico is dead, we can rename the aquatic wasteland, the Gulf of Dick.

But the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana are going right ahead with their 75th Annual Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.

“All systems are go,” said Lee Delaune, the festival’s director to the New York Times. “We will honor the two industries as we always do. More so probably in grand style, because it’s our diamond jubilee.”

More so probably because as an added treat, the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana can pick up shrimp coated in oil right off the boats! Good for deep fryin’.

Seize BP…

Posted on May 21, 2010 By

It’s been a month.

The Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded on April 20. An oil volcano 5,000 feet below, on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico, has been gushing hundred of thousands of gallons of oil for 30 days.

Chemicals poured into the lethal mix to disperse the oil add to toxic stew.

Will the Gulf of Mexico survive this gross negligence?

Almost 20 percent of the Gulf of Mexico is now closed to fishing.

BP & the U.S. government have maintained all along the gusher has bee pouring 210,000 gallons of oil and gas each day into the Gulf. The evidence is now pretty clear: the rate is more like 1.1 million gallons each day – or close to 33 million gallons since the explosion occurred.

Why is this travesty not being treated as criminal negligence? Why are the top officials of BP, Transocean and Halliburton still walking around as free men? Why have then not been placed into custody?

Why has the U.S. government not seized the assets of those companies? Why have they not been shut down?  Why have the assets of those companies not be placed into a trust to immediately begin saving the Gulf’s wildlife and provide assistance to the hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast residents whose communities and livelihoods have been – or will soon be – decimated by this travesty?

Why has the full force of the federal government, even the military if necessary, not been called in to stop this murder of one of the world’s great oceans?

Seriously.

We go crazy over terrorism. We stand on chairs and scream bloody murder because we fear some poor, barely-surviving Mexican might be within our borders without proper authorization. We rant incessantly about meaningless ideologies of right vs. left. We threaten financial institutions and – maybe, just maybe – pretend to have reined them in.

By its own figures, BP earned $5.6 billion in profits in the first quarter of 2010, a 135 percent increase over profits of the 2009 First Quarter. It earned $17 billion in profits in all of 2009.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in the Citizens United case corporations should be treated as individuals, allowed to give as much money as they wished to politicians and office-seekers.

If corporations are now to be treated as individuals why should we not seize BP, Transocean & Halliburton? Why should the officers of those corporations not be arrested and charged with high crimes?

How long will this disaster be allowed to continue without a day of reckoning for those responsible and restitution made for the damage?

What is the price that should be paid if the Gulf of Mexico is destroyed?

Mad as hell!!

Posted on May 14, 2010 By

Headline: Size of Oil Spill Underestimated, Scientists Say.

Headline: U.S. Said to Allow Drilling Without Needed Permits.

Headline: Gulf Coast Battles Oil Spill with Big Bags of Hair.

Headline: Pogo Points and Says, “Told You So.”

Seriously, it’s time – yet again – for quite a bit of righteous indignation bordering on anger.

It’s going to be a long, slow summer for the Gulf of Mexico and its inhabitants. The Gulf oil spill has been called a slow motion disaster but a disaster nonetheless.

And it didn’t have to happen. We all bear some responsibility. I loved my little 40th Anniversary Edition Mustang GT Turbo convertible with huge woofers in the trunk. But it was amazingly selfish.

We’ve all done it: thought first of our own pleasure and convenience.

Now, we’re collecting hair to sop up oil from the beaches of the Gulf Coast.  We’re donating hair as a penance for our sins.

It’s come to that. Its 2010, the 21st Century. We have unbelievable technology at our fingertips and we using bags of hair to soak up a disaster of Biblical proportions.

Doods, this is nuckin’ futs!

You’ll remember initial estimates of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill suggested it was gushing 1,000 barrels of oil each day.

Nope, came the revised estimates. It’s more like 5,000 barrels a day. That’s 210,000 gallons, each day.

Now, according to the New York Times, it the spill could actually be gushing 20,000 to 25,000 barrels of oil each day into the Gulf of Mexico. Do the math: over 1 million gallons each day.

And no one knows how to stop it.

Oh, but not to worry. We’re gonna put a cork in it or, maybe, dress it up with a top hat. Maybe we should ask one of the sperm whales living nearby to simply stick its tail up the pipe. You know, take one for the mammal team.

Or, maybe, plug up the leaking pipe with Hummers smashed up into balls.

And while BP, Transocean and – yes – Halliburton fight to limit their responsibility for this disaster, we learn the permits for the Deepwater Horizon well were given by the U.S. Minerals & Mining Service without obtaining the necessary permits from agencies charged with protecting the surrounding environment and wildlife.

The MMS was too busy getting good drugs and good sex from the oil industry to bother with procedures and permits.

Where is Howard Beale when we really need him?

\”Mad as hell and not gonna taken it anymore!\”

And, while you’re at it, remember this one, too…and this was 1976!!

\”There is no democracy…\”

Oil’s well that ends well!

Posted on May 3, 2010 By

“Drill, baby, drill; not stall, baby, stall!”

“We already drill in an environmentally sensitive manner.”

Okay, so maybe Michael ManofSteele, Sarah Palindrome & Shame Humanity missed the mark just a skosh on this one.

Gee, ya think?

As the people of Perdido Key, Florida spent Sunday patrolling their 10 miles of beach, picking up anything that could soak up the millions of gallons of oil possibly headed their way, the rest of the nation watched in horror as oil advocates gagged on their own words.

Fortunately, we can count on radio carnival barker Douche Limpbranch to find the solution for us.

“The ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and left out there,” Limpbranch told the St. Petersburg Times. “It’s natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is.”

Limpbranch also suggested the April 20 oil rig explosion which led to the 200,000-gallon-per-day open gusher on the Gulf floor might have been a case of eco-terrorism by one of the oil rig workers.

This is all excellent logic, the kind of logic that leads pundits across the meme-scape to call this horrible disaster, “Obama’s Katrina.”

Obama’s Katrina? Really? Seriously? Okay, to begin with journalist and rescue workers can actually get to, stay in and enjoy the food of New Orleans…unlike the days following Katrina.

Second, sales of Dawn dishwashing liquid will soon spike as experts suggest the common household product is the single best way to clean befouled fowl of oil. Really, not making this up.

“There is something in that Dawn detergent that cuts that oil right off of them,” said Lee Fox, head of Sarasota, FL.-based Save our Seabirds.

Fox wrote a manual for how to clean up birds covered with oil after a 1993 oil spill in Tampa Bay.

Wait…you mean we’ve had other massive oil spills? Sure we have. You might recall Alaska’s Exxon Valdez spill in 1989…President George H.W. Bush’s Katrina.

Close to 11 million gallons of oil spilled into Alaska’s Prince William Sound.

The good news is BP, which owns the leaking oil rig, announced last week its first quarter 2010 profits were up nearly $2.4 billion over the first quarter 2009…thanks to rising oil and gasoline prices.

So…this is working out pretty well for them.

“Drill, baby, drill.”

“Eat shrimp while you still can.”