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C’mon Congress, have some fun!

CrazyMurkins

Wikileaker Julian Assange is set to be released from the Tower of London, beheading to be postponed.

Words and gossip can once again flow freely over the InnerTubes. But diplomats should be warned against assessing the dimensions, quality and value of Ukrainian nurses’ racks attending Moammar Gadhafi.

The matter is not put to rest, however. The U.S. government is actively seeking ways to bring this 21st Century tattle-tale to justice – or, rather, the U.S. version of justice for people who spread information across the globe. It’s embarrassing, after all, and by golly no one is entitled to embarrass the government of the United States! We can more than adequately handle that ourselves!

Speaking of that, the Senate cleared the great tax deal yesterday and sent it to the House of Representatives, where feisty Democrats say they will strip out of it a boondoggle for the 100 or so wealthiest families who might have to pay a bit more in taxes when old codgers die and pass along millions to their trust-fund babies.

Ha! That’ll show ‘em, by golly.

They won’t really do it, of course. They’ll feign ferocity and, in the end, vote to go along with the tax deal.

But wouldn’t be funny if they really voted to strip out of the bill the estate tax silliness? That would, of course, alter the bill and require it to go back to the Senate where Republican senators say they would, then, reject it completely.

This would send the entirety of Washington into apoplexy. The Senate would freak out. The President would freak out.

The year would end and millionaires and billionaires would have to, collectively, come up with $300 billion to help reduce the federal deficit.

Of course, taxes would also go up for what’s left of the middle class, too; and we’d lose that extra $19.95 in our pay each month. Unemployment benefits would have to be extended under a separate measure. But fixing these problems all possible – assuming Democrats have any spine left, which is iffy at best.

If Congress walked away for the year and let the tax cuts expire, the poorest 20 percent of Americans would have to pay an additional $393 in taxes in 2011. The middle 20 percent would have to pay $1,521 more and the richest 1 percent would see their taxes go up by nearly $77,000.

But, you see, there is actually a bigger picture than this. It’s called the future of the country (what a concept).

James Kwak, writing in the Baseline Scenario, argues letting the tax cuts expire is far better in the long run for the middle class than extending the current – and modest – tax cuts because increasing revenues now and over the next 10 years will help keep Social Security and Medicare afloat.

But Republicans are not interested in that. No, sir. You see the end game here is to see Social Security and Medicare destroyed…dismantled…go away…everyone for themselves.

Not to worry, the rich will be just fine.

Tax deal: we can all cry.

taxes

BREAKING: Federal judge in Virginia rules unconstitutional key provision of Obama health care reform bill…but refuses to freeze it or invalidate it. Go figure.

Ring, Christmas bells, merrily ring…tell all the world the tax deal is king…”

Oh, the weather outside is frightful but the tax talk is so delightful. But since we’ve no place to go, let the snow job go on in the Congress…” Or something like that.

It’s a good tax deal, says the White House and the Congressional Republicans and most Congressional Democrats – except, of course, those looking out for the working people of ‘Murka.

Take Sen. Bernie Sanders, for example. Bless his heart, he stood for 8.5 hours on the Senate floor Friday afternoon and into the evening filibustering the tax deal. It was a real filibuster, too, not those fake or threatened filibusters the Senate Republicans have used so effectively to frightening their Democratic colleagues.

Sanders actually took the floor of the Senate and kept talking for over eight hours, without stopping except to catch his breath, never relinquishing the floor.

But the tax deal will be adopted anyway.

President Clinton says the deal is as good as we’re gonna get in this era of Republican insistence on tax breaks for the millionaires and billionaires.

The New York Times this morning points out a “hefty chunk” of the deal, which will add nearly $900 billion to the deficit, is really good for the middle class – what’s left of it – and will benefit, too, the lower class – which is the rest of us outside the top 2 percent of the wealthiest.

The good ol’ New York Times, the Gray Lady; remember when it thought going to war in Iraq was such a great idea?

Anyway, the NYTimes piece points out the annual adjustment to the alternative minimum tax will increase in 2011 insulating couples making as much as $74,450, up from the current limit of $72,450. This will cost $137 billion.

Actual wage earners, if any remain, will also see a reduction in the Social Security tax. A one-year payroll tax cut for incomes up to $106,800 will go from 6.2 percent to 4.2 percent. Couples earning that much will see as much as $4,272 extra in 2011.  That tax break will cost $112 billion.

Extension of the jobless benefits will cost $57 billion.

The deal also includes a temporary repeal of the limit on itemized deductions and an absolute repeal of the scheduled phase out of personal exemptions: another $21 billion to the deficit.

Just makes me want to cry…like John Boehner.

Tax cuts for millionaires.

MonopolyRichMan

Okay, boys and girls in the Congress and all across this great land of ours.

Let’s make sure we have this straight:

Unemployment benefits for about a third of the 6.2 million now chronically unemployed have already started to expire and will continue to expire through this glorious holiday season.

Tax cuts for what’s left of the middle class, sponsored by the Obama Administration and approved by the Congress as part of the stimulus act in 2009 are also set to expire on December 31.

Tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires, sponsored by the Bush Administration and approved back in 2003 and 2004 – as we were fighting two unnecessary wars – are also set to expire on December 31.

Congress doesn’t really need to take any action on the tax cuts. They simply expire.

Congress does need to vote to extend unemployment pay for those out of work.

Got it straight, so far?

Good.

But here’s the deal: Republicans and some Democrats say they won’t vote to extend unemployment benefit or to extend tax cuts for what remains of the middle class UNLESS the tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires can also be extended.

Seems fair.

Wait…no it doesn’t.

Republicans and some Democrats are willing to let hungry people get even hungrier through this glorious holiday season to stand on the principle that millionaires and billionaires should continue to pay less in taxes.

In addition to being morally reprehensible, this principled stand of Republicans and some Democrats will add $700 billion to the debt of our great nation. And this after Republicans took back the House in the November elections promising, in part, to reduce the national debt.

I have a few questions:

1. Are you freakin’ NUTS??

2. Do you take us for fools?

3. What part of, “morally reprehensible,” don’t you understand?

No, no, no…the ditch is just fine.

HateEverbody

One would think, after 234 years, we’d be closer to gettin’ this election thing down.

But one would be wrong.

No matter what we do, we seem intent – at least lately, with the rare exception – on voting ourselves right smack into a deep hole. Quit digging, already, ‘Murka! What are you thinking?

Clearly, we’re not thinking clearly.

Okay, okay, okay…so we decided it’d be a great idea to put the Grand Ol’ Tea Party back in control of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Well, to be honest, we actually put the Huge Corporations and Richest One Percent of ‘Murkins in control of the U.S. House of Representatives. The Grand Ol’ Tea Party is just the front group.

But we thought this would be a good idea because we didn’t seem to like the efforts being made by President Obama and the Democratic congressional majority to fix the disasters left us by the Grand Ol’ Tea Party the last time they were in control.

Disasters…don’t like fixes…let’s try disasters again. Okay, got it. Aye, aye, cap’n…full speed into the hurricane!

Oh yea,…and we did this even though every poll indicates ‘Murkins hate the Republicans even more than they hate the Democrats. And this makes some twisted kind of sense when one considers this stat: 34 percent of all ‘Murkins blame bankers for the Great Recession; of those who blame the bankers, Republicans held an 11 percent advantage over Democrats.

So, let’s review. If indeed, these mid-terms 2010 were all about a referendum on President Obama, let’s review what ‘Murkins don’t like about what Obama has done in his first two years:

  1. We don’t like federal agencies being ordered to indentify and cut wasteful spending.
  2. We don’t like women getting paid the same wages as men.
  3. We don’t like ending the war in Iraq.
  4. We don’t like further research on embryonic stem cells.
  5. We don’t like funding science and research labs.
  6. We don’t like increased spending for crumbling bridges and roads.
  7. We don’t like increased spending for Internet access to schools.
  8. We don’t like new school construction money.
  9. We don’t like closing the Guantanamo gulag.
  10. We don’t like rescuing the U.S. auto industry.
  11. We don’t like that the economic bleeding was stopped and a slowly restoring economy.
  12. We don’t like trying to save mortgages from foreclosure.
  13. We don’t like ending torture.
  14. We don’t like stopping the spread of nuclear weapons around the world and attempts to account for weapons already in existence, reducing them.
  15. We don’t like better body armor for our troops.
  16. We especially don’t like efforts to reduce our man-made contributions to climate change.
  17. We sure didn’t like the Cash-for-Clunckers program because we used up all that money almost overnight.
  18. We don’t like busting Somali pirates on the high seas.
  19. We sure as hell don’t want every American to have access to good health care. Oh, hell no!
  20. We don’t like American Cubans being able to visit their families back in Cuba.
  21. We don’t like closing down offshore tax dodges nor getting the Swiss government to cooperate with U.S. officials on tax cheats who store money in Swiss banks.
  22. We don’t like ending tax breaks for corporations who move jobs to other countries.
  23. We don’t like tax cuts for ourselves.
  24. We don’t like lower drug costs for seniors.
  25. We don’t like consumer protections against predatory credit card companies.
  26. We don’t like children going to college.
  27. We don’t like peace in the Middle East.
  28. We don’t like more loans being made available to small businesses.
  29. We don’t like women on the U.S. Supreme Court, especially Latin women.
  30. We don’t like expanded health care for veterans.
  31. We don’t like holding Seders in the White House and we don’t like acknowledging Muslims.

And that’s just a partial list.

In short, we really don’t like progress and we don’t want our nation to change – ever!

Voting Backasswards.

HeadUpURAss

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

You gotta admit, it’s always funny to think about U.S. elections coming one day after All Saints Day!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! What a riot!

Okay…okay, whatever.

Seriously, we will as Americans take the opportunity tomorrow to perform the most sacred ritual of our storied existence: we will exercise the right to cast our ballots – in secret – against our own best interests!

Yes, that’s right. It’s a time-honored tradition in ‘Murka: being manipulated by slogans and bumper stickers to cast ballots for candidates bound and determined to make our lives more difficult – and, these days, to send us further into the poor house.

We only need realize the single biggest effort for these mid-terms, 2010, was not really on behalf of one political party or another. Certainly, voters hate Republicans even more than they hate Democrats but will nevertheless put them back in control of the House of Representatives.

No, no. The single biggest effort of this campaign was the effort staged – successfully it would appear on election eve – by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce to game the system and help The Rich and the corporations owned by The Rich amass even more power and treasury – and, yep, all once again at your expense.

You see, it’s not really about who wins elections and who loses. For the Corporatists and The Rich, it’s simply about manipulating the winners of elections to do their bidding and make it easier still to scrape all the available currency and wealth into one big pile for their own domination.

True, these who would subvert the American ideal for their own greed like to dance more with Republicans than Democrats. But that’s only because more Democrats than Republicans tend to have a conscience and, well, let’s face it Republicans just tend to serve better as lapdogs to the gravy train of greed.

So, vote early and often this year to put back into some degree of power those members of Congress who will owe more to the fat cats than to us house cats. We are merely pawns on the great board of corporate empire building.

Vote against your own self interests. After all, who needs jobs, adequate health care, peace in our time, a sustainable middle class, a sensible energy policy?

We don’t need those things! Not while General Electric, Dow Chemical, Shell, Halliburton, Goldman-Sachs, Exxon/Mobil, ADM, the Koch brothers and the Coors are in control!!

Ducks, the issue…

Duck&WitchNewt

Only 10 years into America’s Century and who would have thought our political discourse could have gotten so rotten so soon?

Really? The big ad of the 2010 season begins with the disclaimer, “I am not a witch”?

We haven’t seen that kind of political ad since the Salem City Council elections in 1692.

It would, of course, be very easy to tell if Tea Party darling and (can’t believe I’m actually writing this) U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is, in fact, a witch.

There are ways to tell if she’s a witch.

There are? Yes. Tell us how. What do we do with witches? We burn them!! Why do we burn them? They’re made of wood! So, we build a bridge out of her? No, we can also build bridges out of stone.

What else can wood do? Float in water. So, we throw Christine O’Donnell into the pond to see if she floats? No, plenty of other things float. Ducks float.

So, we weigh her and if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s witch! Easy! And it’s the same logic Rumsfeld and Cheney used to persuade Bush to invade Iraq!

And since we’ve all become sheep, we should end all political spots with the tagline, “I am ewe.”

But, wait! That’s not all! There’s more!

There is Virginia Congressional District 1 candidate…not making this up…Krystal Ball, a Democrat.

Something told Krystal Ball to run for the Congress but someone else told a right-wing website about private photos taken during Krystal Ball’s graduation party at the University of Virginia when she was 22 years old. In the photos, now candidate Ball appears to fondle a red…um…er…mommies-best-friend attached at the time to her husband’s nose (as he played the part of Rudolph the Red Dildoed Reindeer.)

One would have thought Krystal Ball could have seen this coming; the release of the photos. But, you see, Ms. Ball was listed during her time as a congressional aide on The Hill’s annual photo essay of “The Hill’s Most Beautiful People.” So, the right-wing naturally went after her as a sex object.

But the right-wing should have gazed into the future and understood Krystal Ball is not prone to take this kind of thing.

“It’s sexist and it’s wrong, regardless of political party,” Ball said in a statement posted on her campaign’s Facebook page Wednesday. “And I have a message for any young woman who is thinking about running for office and has ever attended a costume party with her husband or done anything stupid on camera. Run for office. Fight for this country. Don’t let this sort of tactic deter you.”

Really! You tell ‘em, Krystal. I mean it’s not like dildoes are new to the Congress.

A toast to feminine hygiene products.

Kanye

Congress returns to work this week.

We survive another 9/11 weekend, albeit with few book burnings and more than a few lackluster Tea Party rallies across ‘Murka.

Kanye West brings down the house at the MTV Video Music Awards with his latest hit, “Runaway,” and homage to feminine hygiene, “A toast to the douchebags.”

All this a coincidence?

Perhaps but how can we be sure? After all, freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.

Fresh from fabulous vacations, er…fact-finding trips, and re-acquainting themselves with the good people back home, the Congress People will set their sights on tax cuts and small business stimulus…not necessarily in that order.

One big showdown will come over President Obama’s desire to end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

But, no, Republicans will spend their week defending the helpless rich people against these Cretin Socialist Kenyan Zoroastrians who think, for some unknown reason, the rich should pay their fair share in taxes.

While portraying a talking head Sunday on the TeeVee Box, the Orange One, the GOP minority leader in the House, the Honorable John Boehner of Ohio’s most tanned congressional district, said he might even go along with extending tax cuts for poor working chumps like you and me…but…only if the rich get to keep their Bush tax cuts.

Yea, yea…I know. It’s really had to imagine anyone defending tax breaks for the extremely wealthy but that’s the bed in which Congressional Republicans find themselves lying because even though the very rich only account for 20 percent of the population they hold 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and that’s where Republicans get most of their campaign contributions.

It’s a good strategy because the rest of us have no money left to make political contributions.

The Democrats completely missed the mark with that, siding with the poor and barely-surviving working class…what’s left of it.

If the Republicans know anything they know money and where to find it and they do a dang fine job makin’ sure the castles are protected from the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

A toast to the douchebags.

Happy Labor Day…We hate everybody!

HateEverbody

The good news is Hurricane Earl is running out of juice and it stayed offshore enough for North Carolina’s Outer Banks to dodge a bullet that could have been much worse.

The bad news is Earl remains a hurricane and will make for a crappy day along much of the Northeast and a nasty night for Cape Cod.

The good news is Earl will be centered over Nova Scotia by Saturday afternoon. The bad news it will still retain the strength of a hurricane, if barely.

The good news is Fiona is fizzling far out in the Atlantic and Gaston has virtually disappeared, which will remain good news as long as Gaston doesn’t cook back up…as some hurricane models suggest.

Additional good news is that Thursday night marked the official opening of the 2010 College Tackle Football Season and on Saturday we’ll see all the major college tackle football teams play their pre-season games against small schools they will crush but compensate with big paychecks.

The bad news is Labor Day marks the official beginning of the 2010 Off-Year Campaign Season during which we’ll see enough hot air to power a thousand hurricanes while common sense and logic get crushed and we – the ‘Murkin People – will get compensated with small paychecks.

Seriously? Really?

We – the ‘Murkin People – hate the Democrats by a whopping 66 percent? (NBC-Wall Street Journal poll.)

But hate the Republicans more, by an even more whopping 76 percent?

And, yet, w – the ‘Murkin’ People – are willing to return the Republicans to power?

Really?

For reals?

Yup. While two out of three ‘Murkins say they don’t like the Democrats, three out of four ‘Murkins say they like the Republicans less.

But in a generic Gallup Poll (remember..Gallup is Latin for “let’s see how we can make the Republicans look good with our polling data), ‘Murkins likely to vote in November say they want to vote for Republicans over Democrats by 10 percent.

Fifty-one percent of those likely ‘Murkin voters told Gallup they would vote for a generic Republican over a generic Democrat while only 41 percent said they would vote for a generic Democrat over a generic Republican.

The bad news is the political pharmacy is fresh out of generics and we have to go with the real thing.

Maybe we should take a time out from our “mad as hell and won’t take it anymore” moment to remember how good things really were when the Republicans were kicked out of office in 2006 and 2008 because they’d made such a mess of the country.

The good news is I think the ‘Murkin people are smarter than to ask the old boyfriend to take us to the football game because we really, really liked the way he treated us so badly.

Takes one to know one!!

JesusThinksURAdumbass

BREAKING NEWS: Here, on the 100th day of the Gulf Oil Disaster, the New York Times announces the Gulf is all good now. Nothing to see…move along…go on about your business…thanks for playin’. Gee, who knew it would be so easy?

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!

Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?

Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!

That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!

This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!

We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!

The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!

And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.

Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.

Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith.  

Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”

“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”

And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.

“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.

And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.

And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”

Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.

The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.

Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!

‘Murkins to Washington: You Suck!

It is Le Quatorze Juillet and Americans are storming the metaphorical Bastille!

At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

80 percent of Ohioans think LeBron James sucks.

100 percent of South Floridans think Lebron James is a superhero and the greatest basketball player of all time and are danged glad to see him in a Heat uniform.

50 percent of you think the American League sucks.

50 percent of you think the National League sucks, even though it finally won an All-Star game.

78.3 percent of you are glad we no longer have to listen to Vuvuzelas bogging on the TeeVee Box speakers.

46 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Democrat than a sucky Republican.

47 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Republican than a sucky Democrat.

Ah, yes…but 42 percent of you think Democrats are less sucky on economic issues while only 34 percent of you think Republicans are less sucky on economic issues.

62 percent of you think the Congress wouldn’t suck so bad if it extended unemployment benefits. Another 36 percent said Congress would suck worse.

60 percent of Southeast Alabamians say they don’t want a Teabagger representing them in the Congress.

100 percent of Mama Grizzlies don’t always know when something is wrong and only read about their daughters’ re-engagement to baby daddy Levi Johnston on the cover of US Weekly magazine.

Pastor Mark Elliott told the TEDGlobal 2010 Conference in Oxford (England, not Mississippi) 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles.

First Lady Michelle Obama told the NAACP 80 percent of all Americans believe in Miracle Whip…and we should cut it out!

80 percent of all right-wing nut jobs believe First Lady Michelle Obama should leave our children alone and let them be fat.

55 to 60 percent of our food contains high fructose corn syrup.

Over the last 30 years, we’ve increased our consumption of high fructose corn syrup by 1000 percent.

In addition to making us fat, diabetic, lethargic and riddled with heart disease, .0000000003 percent of us (me) also think fructose makes us dumbasses.

Play dat funky hillbilly politics white boy!

‘Murka is a funky place.

You gotta admit that. We get even funkier when we ride election cycles fast down busy streets, hit a slight bump and find ourselves suddenly and quite pointedly reminded how hard the narrow saddle of democracy can be.

It all seems so painful at that very moment but we just keep peddlin’.

Whether you know it or not, we’re knee deep in a very funky election cycle and by that I don’t mean a good Art Neville funky beat.

If you believe the national press meme, incumbents are as endangered as the Gulf of Mexico and all those it sustains.

Two incumbents have gone down in the past five days – TWO – out of 471 congressional seats up for re-election this year and, oh my heavens, we got us a landslide!!

Add on top of that all this funky talk of a U.S. Supreme Court nominee being Lebanese.

The Wall Street Journal, that even handed newspaper of insightful journalism, even ran a photograph of SCOTUS nominee Elena Kagan playing softball, which is apparently very popular in Lebanon.

Do we care if Supreme Court nominees play softball? No, we do not. We just want them to be good, decent, social-justice-lovin’, let-freedom-ring, radical left-wing jurists for a change.

– BREAKING: We interrupt this silliness to bring you the breaking news that Tampa, Florida has been selected as the site of the GOP National Convention in 2012. Do they know Tampa is home to brown, black and gay people? That is all. –

So, the second incumbent to fall in a week did so yesterday in West Virginia, which so often leads the nation in hillbilly politics.

U.S. Rep Alan Mollohan, a 14-term Democrat (sorta), lost a party primary battle to a young upstate state senator who out-GOPeed the quasi-Democrat for the victory by vilifying the incumbent as just not right-wing enough. AND THESE ARE THE DEMOCRATS!

The Republican who State Senator Mike Oliverio will meet in the November general election better be bringin’ those Neanderthal genes hot ‘n heavy to bring the cave people out in force.

Mollohan’s big crime was that he voted in favor of health care reform, this despite him carrying solid pro-life credentials.

Because he supported better health care for all Americans – and in West Virginia, dental care is a big deal – the pro-life crew aborted its long standing support. After all, one can’t claim the pro-life banner and be in favor of better health care.

They also turned against him because he supported doing something to slow climate change and Lord knows we don’t need to change the climate in West Virginia.

Not to be outdone in hillbilly politics, the gubernatorial race in Alabama has turned the clock back to the 1920s where GOP front-runner Bradley Byrne (seriously) was accused of favoring the teaching of evolution in public schools. Byrne, for his part, countered that, by God, he believed every word in the Bible to be true and dictated directly by the Supreme Being to her secretary!

This after some weeks ago when fellow GOP candidate Tim James, son of former governor Fob, made a big deal out demanding driver’s license examinations be given only in English, the God-given language of the Bible.

Maybe the national punditry has it all wrong. Maybe this is not necessarily the year of the anti-incumbent. Maybe it’s just a good year to have a shallow gene pool.

It’s hard to hook jellyfish.

“Hello? Spicoli’s Spine Palace, may we help you.”

“Um, yes,…um, this is a little embarrassing but we need to order some backbone, maybe with a side of cojones if you have them.”

“Oh, yes, of course. We keep well stocked in spine and cojones these days. We used to supply quite a bit for Capitol Hill but I guess the recession has lessened the demand.”

“Well…okay, we really need some now. How fast can you send it over?”

“We can fill that order today, sir. To which address?

“Um, yea…um, the Capitol if you don’t mind. The Senate.”

“Ah, yes, I see.”

“And, um, er…don’t tell anybody we called.”

Will we see a “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” moment or will we see the jellyfish return to the nation’s grandest aquarium?

Who the heck knows?

So, let’s see if we have this straight:

The Democrats will force the Republicans to vote against reforming Wall Street if they don’t belly up to the bar and support financial reform.

The lone Senate Republican supporting climate change legislation backed off over the weekend because, he complained, the Democrats want to push immigration reform and that will make him and his fellow Republicans look like racists. (Duh!)

Following, so far?

Good, because the logic is not obvious.

Republican senators (well, Shelby of Alabama) went on the TeeVee Box this morning to say, well, they MIGHT vote to regulate the derivatives trade. Of course, they’ll have to explain to their benefactors why they could suddenly read the hand-writing on the wall and, well, while they like that direct Wall Street-to-Capitol Hill cheese pipeline they really can’t be seen in public with the pillagers.

It’s all so sorted and cynical and, let’s face it, comical if it wasn’t so serious.

As the great philosopher, Jimmy Buffett, once said, “I’d like to be a jellyfish, ‘cause jellyfish don’t pay rent.”

“You know I can be found, sittin’ home all alone…”

What’s that? Oh sure…NOW you’re ready to pass a health care reform package!

It’s not like we haven’t been waiting for nearly 100 years! What, you think we’re that easy? We’ll just come around and take you back, now that we’ve waiting this long?

You’ve been seriously teasing us for over a year. Sure, we’ve heard the sweet talk: “It will provide insurance to those who don’t. And it will lower the cost of health care for our families, our businesses, and our government”

You think we’re just going to come crawling back now that you’re ready to actually DO IT?

Yea?…well, we will…’cause if we don’t maybe as many as 17 million more Americans will be uninsured by 2019.

But we still don’t understand why it wasn’t as simple as extending Medicare to the entire population. We don’t know why you had to make it so complicated. All you lawmakers, you’re all the same.

Sure, that would be too simple and beneficial, not only for all Americans but for the government itself.

Oh, no! You have to play hard-to-get, letting lobbyists crawl all over you with their sweet smellin’ ways and pockets of cash; flaunting all that high-livin’ right in front of our faces.

But, sure…we’ll come crawlin’ back and accept your health care reform proposal…because it’s all we have!

Not everyone, of course. The 25 percent of ‘Murkins always angry about something are havin’ a screamin’ hissy fit that health care reform – such as it is – will soon be law.

The right-wing media is screaming hysterically and folks in polyester pedal-pushers and checkered shirts are standing outside the Capitol cheering the likes of Congressman Louis Gomer…or Gohmert…or something, who held up a stack of papers (presumably the health care bil)l and said, “I don’t want to make you sick but I brought an abortion to show you, today!”

Nice. Helpful.

And, so, the GOP-right-wing is livid about Democrats in control of the Congress – overwhelmingly elected to that majority by American voters – may use parliamentary procedures once used against them by the GOP-right-wing to finally adopt health care reform.

Things like simple majority votes and votes by acclamation really has the GOP-right-wingers screaming to high heavens about improper use of…er…well…majority rule. (History note: Republicans, in the majority in Congress’s 104 to 108 used acclamation or “deeming” over 200 times…just sayin’.)

So, maybe we’ll have health care reform- such as it is –  by the end of the week and we can all sit back and listen as Republicans explain to ‘Murka how they really don’t think it’s right for Americans to have decent, affordable health care.

Bunning yanked from mound for wild pitch…

Okay, so here’s the deal: Democrats in Congress will let Charlie Rangel remain chair of the House Ways & Means Committee if he will agree to take Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning out behind the Capitol and kick his ass.

Not really. That would be unseemly. Caning is the preferred method of corporal punishment in the Congress.

But the before the day is out, Rangel will be but a humble House member – sorta – and Jim Bunning will still be a Senator with a Hall of Fame ego and…oh yea…crazier ‘n bat guano.

Who can forget the 1964 season in which Bunning pitched a perfect game for the Philadelphia Phillies and led the Phils into what looked like a lock for the World Series – only to then lead the Phillies into one of the most famous September pennant-race collapses in Major League history?

Bunning, as a pitcher, was famous for shaking off signs from catchers and throwing whatever pitch he damn well wanted.

Hmmm…things haven’t changed much.

As we all know by now, Bunning finally accepted a sign from the catcher (GOP Senate leader and fellow Kentuckian Mitch McConnell) and ended his temper tantrum which was holding up unemployment checks and money for federal highway projects and was, in turn, forcing the furlough of thousands of highway construction workers….which means hundreds of thousands of struggling people have to struggle a bit longer.  Everybody say, “Thanks, Sen. Bunning!”

The joke going around the Magic Twitter Machine on Tuesday was: “Jim Bunning says, I abject!”

Meanwhile, President Obama will release yet another health care proposal which will include Republican ideas – some tort reform and health savings accounts – and Republicans will still say, just like Bunning…NO!!…and we’ll end up with an even more watered-down health care reform measure.

But never mind all that, Texas Gov. Rick Perry now faces a critical decision: run for president of the teabaggers or run for president of the Republic of Texas.

Perry whipped Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a former TeeVee news reporter and unabashed Bush sycophant for the Texas Republican gubernatorial nomination. If elected in the general in November, Perry will serve a third term and become the longest-serving Texas governor in history.

He also defeated in the primary the teabaggers’ choice for governor, somebody named Debra Medina, and he will need the teabaggers’ support if he’s going to take Texas out of the Union or run for president of it.

Oh yea, and if he’s going to win a third term as Texas governor he will need to defeat the very popular former mayor of Houston, Democrat Bill White.

And finally, in case you missed it, the Associated Press is reporting leaks from a book by Bush Svengali Karl Rove in which Rove admits the war in Iraq damaged the Bush Administration’s credibility.

Um..yea…credibility…and badly damaged nearly beyond redemption two entire nations, not to mention the stability of the entire world!!

Surprise! Republicans agree to health care reform! No, wait…

Surprise!

Republicans agree to health care reform!

Ha-ha-ha…Wait, no they didn’t.

Despite repeated attempts Thursday to come together, sitting around a square hollow table, over 30 of our nation’s most distinguished square hollow legislators continued to fuss and fight.

And 30 more people died while they were arguing. At least, statistics suggest so.

At the beginning, President Obama acknowledged Democrats and Republicans have different views of the world but insisted, bless his heart, they could talk out differences.

No, they can’t. No Kumbaya…no hookah will help.

“I don’t know that those gaps can be bridged and it may be that at the end of the day we come out of here saying, ‘Well, we’ve had some honest disagreements,’” the president said, according to the New York Times reporting. “But I’d like to make sure that this discussion is actually a discussion and not just us trading talking points.”

Yea, but the Republicans can’t help sling talking points and proceeded to do so for the rest of the day.

Whatever.

Before it was even over, Republicans were launching press releases saying the summit was a failure. And the National Republican Campaign Committee produced a satirical ad on the Innertubes comparing the summit to a scary movie with the message: “They’re trying to cram it down your throat.”

This was not, to be clear, any comment on recent sex scandals that have plagued Republican office holders.

What’s even more clear is that despite every effort, the GOP is not going to give Obama any chance at all to “win” at anything – including and especially health care because…well…that might actually benefit Americans.

So, in the end, Obama said he’d give the lawmakers six weeks to agree and if the Republicans still won’t agree, well, maybe then we’ll go back to that old “majority rules” thingy and pass it without their help.

From the start, GOP minions were alive and well – and mouthing off on the InnerTubes and in Magical Twitterland.

“Thanks for your opening comments, Obama. We’re all dumber for having heard them,” wrote one Right-Wing Twit.

“Obama saying Common Sense & Healthcare in same sentence is like Jihadist praying to Jesus Christ,” said another.

“Exactly when did we change from WE THE PEOPLE to WE THE CONGRESS?,” asked one more (Answer: hum, it’s called The Constitution.)

“If healthcare is a right, why is food not a right too? Food is more important for survival than healthcare.”

Okay, whatever the point was of that last one.

Here’s the deal: Democrats have the majority in both the House and the Senate. The American people are behind you. This is what we voted for in 2008.

Just do it.

The Summit on Health Care Reform Arguments

Oh Boy! It’s almost here! Can’t wait!

The Legend-Before-Its-Time Summit on Health-Care-Reform-Arguing will take up six hours of time Thursday on the TeeVee Box.

The Winter Olympics will be suspended. Wall Street will shut down. Trains and airlines will grind to a halt. And Republicans will put cotton in their ears, stomp their feet and act like petulant children being dragged to the principal’s office.

Okay. None of that is true – except the last part.

The White House, in preparing for the summit to be broadcast live from Blair House, spent the better part of the past week arguing with Republicans over the size and shape of chairs, the size and shape of tables, the color of lamp shades and drapes and which incense to burn during scheduled guided meditations.

A grateful nation heaved a sigh of relief earlier today when the Republican congressional delegation finally agreed to a square, hollow table – because it suits them.

According to Politico, that thoughtful online apologist for big business, the Democrats unstated goal of the health care summit is “to make congressional Republicans look like a bunch of whiny, cynical, ideologically bankrupt crybabies who don’t have a plan of their own.”

Ha-ha-ha, congressional Republicans are doing a pretty darn good job of that all by themselves.

But don’t be fooled. Despite holding overwhelming majorities in both the Senate and the House, Democrats can’t quite seem to adopt measures to reform the nation’s health care system.

So, given study released in late 2009 by the Harvard Medical School which suggested 45,000 Americans are dying each year because of our flawed for-profit health care system we can expect 30.8 people to die during the six-hour health care summit…and another 30.8 will die each six hours the Congress fails to adopt needed reforms.

We don’t mean to say Congress isn’t doing ANYTHING.

The Senate actually managed to adopt key measures toward a jobs bill…and five Republicans voted with the Democrats!

But Downtown Scotty Brown, the newly-elected nekkid truck driver who is now sitting in Ted Kennedy’s seat, found out just how mean his teabagger buds can be.

The angry malcontents spanked Brown’s nekkid truck drivin’ butt loud and hard on the Facebook thingy and Magic Twitter Machine after he voted with the Democrats on the jobs bill.

“LYING LOW LIFE SCUM HYPOCRITE,” was, I believe, a representative post.

“BROWN, YOU JUST REMEMBER DOUCHEBAG…WE ARE WATCHING YOU!!!!,” was, I believe, another. Both in all caps.

Ha! Fun, ain’t it, Scotty? That’s a really nice crowd you hang with. This will also probably mean less interest in his daughters.