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It’s our dumbasses the world hates most!

Posted on September 1, 2010 By

MissionAccomplished

Yea! Mission Accomplished!! Hip-Hooray!!

It’s VI Day!! Victory in Iraq Day!! Somebody grab me a nurse to kiss in Times Square!!

What?

Oh? We did that back in 2003?

Hmmm…okay. Well, at least Iraq is now a stable, pluralistic, democratic society where everyone is progressing and feeling good about themselves.

Mission Accomplished: Halliburton, ExxonMobil, BP & Royal Dutch Shell now control nearly all of Iraq’s oil!

So, you see, Cheney and Rumsfeld knew exactly what they were doing. So what if it cost nearly 100,000 Iraqi lives; 5,000 American lives; another 50,000 injured Americans and $1 Trillion?

It’s the cost of doin’ bidness.

***

Okay, you rednecks, hillbillies & trailer trash. See what you’ve done?

You’ve gone and made the Muslims produce a video to reassure us all they’re not scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

They wouldn’t of had to do this except y’all forced ‘em to because of your stompin’ around, acted stupid, sayin’ stupid things and tellin’ everybody Muslims are scary boogy-people bent on the destruction of this very land they call home.

Here’s the website.

Why don’t you pick on the Episcopalians or the Catholics, for Heaven’s sake? And, hey, why not the Buddhists? You KNOW they’re not gonna fight back.

But a group of Muslims felt the need to produce a very nice, very simply stated little video to say, among other things: “I do not want to take over this country.”

Not even the Catholics had to say THAT! (Well, okay, maybe JFK had to call a press conference to say the Pope would not be Secretary of State in his administration.)

The video even includes a Spanish-speaking Muslim!

That’ll make the rednecks’ heads explode!!

Y’all need to understand something: when the world says it hates ‘Murka, it’s not our freedom they hate. Not really. It’s not our wealth (or the wealth, at least, of the top 1 percent of ‘Murkins). It’s not our conspicuously consumptive way of life, although part of it might be the new Corvette.

No. What the world really hates about ‘Murka is our dumbasses.

We really need to get this out in the open, talk about the elephant in the room and admit it. It’s our dumbasses the world hates most.

We know this because the World ‘Murka Hate Index (the WMHI) was highest when we had as our Dumbass-in-Chief that barely literate guy from Texas. Once we elected an adult as President the WMHI started dropping immediately.

Now that we’re talking obesity as a national epidemic, which is related to our dumbass problem, perhaps we should engage in a national effort to drastically reduce our dumbass epidemic as well.

We can begin by turning off stupid talk radio wingnuts and watching only American Idol on the Fox Networks.

Or we can wait for redneck heads to explode when they see a Spanish-speaking Muslim.

Independence for the Unemployed!

Posted on July 2, 2010 By

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, all you (us) 1.3 million Americans out of work and unable to get unemployment benefits because 41 U.S. Senators won’t let you!!

Have a great holiday! Should be plenty of leftover food to steal at the holiday parties of rich people – like those senators – all celebrating their independence, big houses and expensive foreign cars!

You see, the senators – 40 Republicans and one Democrat – want you to be independent for Independence Day! They want you to be independent of money. They want you to be independent of food. They want you to be independent of self-esteem and of the basic necessities of life!

As a matter of fact, they want you to just suck it.

Once again, just before laying Sen. Robert Byrd to rest, the mostly Republican minority in the Senate blocked an extension of unemployment benefits to 1.3 million of us. Oh, and by the way, most of those unemployment benefits ran out at the first of June and Republicans have been blocking them all month long. Others ran out Wednesday.

Seventeen of those 41 senators – 40 Republicans and one Democrat – come from states with double-digit unemployment! Way to stick up for your peeps! Or is stick up your peeps? Or hold them hostage?

Officially, 15 million Americans are out of work. Half of those have been out of work for 6 months or longer. So a Senate minority wants to celebrate the Fourth of July by giving millions of Americans a bottle rocket up the butt?

Oh sure, they tell you they keep trying to make you suffer more because it will make you stronger but mostly because, they say, they don’t want to add to the nation’s debt.

“The only reason the unemployment extension hasn’t passed is because Democrats simply refuse to pass a bill that doesn’t add to the debt,” said Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, in some kind of weird Republican-only mind-twisting logic.

But they don’t really give a damn about the federal debt.

“Deficits don’t matter,” famously said former Vice-President Dick Cheney, as his administration took the nation from the budget surplus left by President Clinton to the largest deficit in history as we spent willy-nilly to wage two unnecessary wars.

Naw, these GOP dream-killers are only interested in making sure the economy falls back into the depths of recession we faced when George Bush left office. It’d be good for them because they don’t want President Obama to get any credit for getting the nation back on the road to recovery.

It’s better politics for them, they reason, if Americans are angry and bitter. Angry and bitter works better for GOP politics because, well, they don’t really have policies of their own to promote. They’re happier and more productive politically when verbally fire-bombing the body politic out here in the hinterlands and procedurally fire-bombing the process on Capitol Hill.

Is this a great country or what?

This is precise what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they signed the Declaration of Independence 234 years ago on Sunday, particularly when in their indictments of King George, they included:

“He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.”

The Founding Fathers didn’t know at the time the new Senate of the United States they would envisioned would include 41 King Georges a couple of centuries down the road.

There’s gold in them thar Afghan hills!!

Posted on June 14, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: U.S. officials say $1 trillion worth of minerals have been found in the mountains and dry lake beds of Afghanistan!

In a related announcement, U.S. officials say the new U.S. colony of Afghanistan will be renamed, Pandora, and a team from Halliburton and Massey Mining will begin immediately extracting the Unobtanium from beneath the surface.

Seriously, $1 trillion in iron, copper, gold, cobalt and lithium in Afghanistan? What could possibly go wrong?

Forget the poppies, maaaan. Everyone will want to get mellow on the lithium…while also powering our batteries!!

Curiously, enough, the cost of the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan have, so far, cost $1 trillion. Well, waddya know? Guess, maybe, we owe Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz an apology for doubting them.

Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Mexico, officials with BP say they’ve discovered gold and cobalt pouring from the undersea volcano known as the Deepwater Horizon mine…er…well.

No, just kidding about that. Its still hydrocarbons and chemicals gushing forth to kill the Gulf.

But, they, the good news is President Obama will make his fourth trip today to the Redneck Riviera where he’ll get in a little beach time (unrefined oil and saltwater make an excellent SP 15 sunscreen, or is that STP oil treatment 15?). He’ll talk to the locals, assure them he feels their pain and, maybe, get in a little golf at SanDestin, now renamed OilSandsDestin.

No, just kidding about that, too. Remember, he’s lookin’ to kick a little ass so, BP officials, I don’t think I’d mess with him right now. I think he means it.

And to show he means it, he’ll address us all on the TeeVee Box on Tuesday night when he returns from the Coast Formerly Known as Emerald. He’s gonna tell us he will demand BP immediately set up an escrow account to make sure the money is there to repay Gulf Coast residents for their losses.

BP has, by the way, $7 billion in cash. Tony Heyward carries it around in a steel briefcase. It also has the capacity to borrow $15 billion and is – or was – expecting to make $34 billion this year. Costs of cleaning up this disaster will reach $123 million…and climbing.  BP was planning to give its shareholders $10.5 billion of that cheese. They may have to take IOUs.

The President will have to take a break from kicking ass, however to hear the bitchin’ from oil industry workers about his moratorium on offshore oil drilling. Tobacco workers complained, too, about all that silly nonsense suggesting smoking kills.

Hey, Mr. President, here’s a thought: let’s retrain all those roughnecks and put them to work building solar panels and wind turbines and lithium batteries. I understand we just struck the mother lode. Just a thought.

Oh yea…and one final, little tinsy-tiny note: The National Hurricane Center center says a very unusual early season Cape Verde-type weather system half-way between Africa and South America might grow into the season’s first tropical depression.

The good news is forecast models are not – so far – giving it much chance to survive into a storm.

Junk shots all over the place!

Posted on May 28, 2010 By

BP backed off its first junk shot and after a rest and, maybe, some protein will try another junk shot.

It’s a hard business.

BP or “Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans” will get a visit today from President Obama. He will, no doubt, kick their corporate ass before donning his Aquaman suit, swimming down 5,000 feet and plugging the volcano himself with one of the whale carcasses he may find.

Probably gonna be a lot of junk shots today.

After all, the President took full responsibility yesterday, explaining the federal government’s been in charge of this fiasco from day one. That was, of course, before he realized BP decided on its own to pull out of the initial junk shot leaving us all disappointed and unfulfilled.

“I take responsibility,” said the President during an afternoon presser. “It is my job to make sure that everything is done to shut this down. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away or the way I’d like it to happen. That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to make mistakes.”

Then he told us even his 11-year-old daughter, Malia, is concerned.

“You know, when I woke up this morning and I’m shaving, and Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she says, ‘did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’”

No, sweetie, Daddy didn’t plug the hole, yet.

But, hey, the good news is officials of Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans described this disaster of Biblical proportions as – not making this up – an “environmental catastrophe.”

Thanks Tony Hayward, head of BP in ‘Murka, for upgrading your assessment from “a modest spill.”

Lots of junk shots today.

Fearful of losing headline attention, Sarah Palin is tweeting (again, can’t make this up): “I never say drill,baby,drill. Ahh, that’s much of the problem, Mr.President, Drill ANWR & unlock land for safe onshore devlpmnt/energy security.”

Seriously? Hey Sarah, let’s go to the video tape.

Speaking of mouthing off, where’s Dick Cheney been? He’s always good for a quote about the Obama Administration. No? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh yea, that’s right…his, um, cozy and helpful relationship with the oil industry just might share a teeny-tiny bit of the blame for all this. Maybe, once the Gulf of Mexico is dead, we can rename the aquatic wasteland, the Gulf of Dick.

But the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana are going right ahead with their 75th Annual Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.

“All systems are go,” said Lee Delaune, the festival’s director to the New York Times. “We will honor the two industries as we always do. More so probably in grand style, because it’s our diamond jubilee.”

More so probably because as an added treat, the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana can pick up shrimp coated in oil right off the boats! Good for deep fryin’.

CPAC: pep rally for the discontent!

Posted on February 19, 2010 By

“Politics hates a vacuum,” once wrote Naomi Klein. “If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.”

So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what’s left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

The man perhaps most responsible for leaving this great nation in its current great mess made a surprise appearance. The former vice-president suddenly emerged from the darkness to the chants of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!”

Okay, not really. They chanted, “Cheney, Cheney, Cheney!” But we know what they meant.

“2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause,” Dick said. “And I think Barack Obama is a one term president.”

The next presidential election won’t take place until 2012…but no matter. 2010 will still be a great year.

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint told the crowd he’d rather see a U.S. Senate more like himself.

“I’d rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who believe in the principles of freedom than 60 who don’t believe in anything,” he said.

Right. Because no one there now “believes in freedom.” Oh, heck no! Few Americans actually believe in freedom. Nope, we’re all about enslavement in this country, by golly!

Over at the hip and “kewl” version of CPAC, which is called XPAC for Extremely Pricky Asswipes Converging, crazy Baldwin Brother, Stephen, referred to the President of the United States as – not kidding – “homey.” (You see, the President happens to be African-American.)

“Homey made his bed,” said the Baldwin Brother. “Now, he has got to lay in it.”

Technically, President Obama is trying to pull us out of the deathbed made for us by the Bush Administration. (See “Cheney,” above.)

“CPAC is like our Woodstock,” said one young twerp. “Except unlike the left’s gathering, our women are beautiful…we speak in complete sentences and our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine…which is certainly one thing that separates us from Barack Obama…

“…actually, on the cocaine front,” continued the young twerp. “I do believe many young people in America viewed Barack as a new drug. It was something to experiment with. But the hangover afterward left them thinking, ‘what the hell did I just do?’”

And there is no truth to the rumor that Mitt “the Mittens” Romney got into a fight with LMFAO’s Sky Blu. That happened on an airplane.

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama skipped the CPAC klavern to visit President Obama, which prompted the Chinese to retaliate by sending snowboarders to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Later, in Nevada, the president was seen in a corner with Sen. Harry Reid, a pitchfork pinned against the senator’s chest, telling of his round of golf with the Buddhist leader.

The President: “So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long.

“So we finish the 18th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’

And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

“So I got that goin’ for me.”

Snowlympics and Whack-a-Dick-Mole Cheney pops up again!

Posted on February 15, 2010 By

Whack-a-Dick-Mole Cheney popped up again Sunday on the Tee Vee Box.

Hey Dick! It’s Presidents’ Day weekend, not Veep Day! We don’t need you disrupting our Presidents’ Day commercials for mattress sales!

Yes, friends, that disturbance in the force we all felt yesterday was not a Canadian actually winning a gold medal at the Snowlympics but, rather, the US of A’s big Dick Cheney inflicting his face again on the national horror.

Why anyone bothers to ask Dick anything, much less do so on the Tee Vee Box, remains a mystery but there he was, once again talking about how dangerous he believes the Obama Administration to be.

He oughta know, having steered the Bush Administration down the most dangerous path this nation has seen since the Cleveland Administration was followed by the McKinley Administration.

“What the [Obama] administration was slow to do was to come to that recognition that we are at war, not dealing with criminal acts,” Cheney said on ABC.

That would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic because under Cheney, the nation was led to war when what we were dealing with was criminal acts.

So, to deal with the Whack-a-Mole pop-up again, the White House dispatched Vice-President Joe Biden and the two Veeps engaged in a virtual debate only a tad more enlightened than when Biden faced Sarah Palin in the campaign.

Cheney could even be seen, muttering to himself, “say it ain’t so, Joe,” because that’s really all he’s got.

Lowering the boom on his predecessor, Biden calmly explained Cheney is either “misinformed or he is misinforming,” while circling his right ear with an extended index finger.

Okay, made up that last part.

Cheney countered by looking at the audience and saying, “be vewy, vewy, quiet…huh-huh-huh…we’re hunting wabbits!”

Meanwhile, up in temperate Vancouver the Canadians actually won a gold medal! Mogul skier Alexandre Bilodeau captured it in an event that looks for all the world like me trying to ski down a smooth hill.

And you gotta love NBC’s coverage of the Snowlympics. American hero Oyea Ohno is getting his butt kicked by three Koreans when, suddenly and through their own ineptitude, two of the three Koreans crash themselves, leaving Ohno breezing to a second place finish by sheer luck. Listening to the NBC announcers, one would have thought the US of A never had a prouder Olympic moment!

Neither of the aforementioned Korean screw-ups, by the way, was Korean skater Ho Suk…far and away the favorite Olympic name so far.

What’s really funny is watching the cross-country skiers go uphill!