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Pope-phylatic!

Condom

Oh…I’m melting! What a world, what a world!

And today’s view from our WTF Department:

Pope says condom use might be okay for male prostitutes to protect themselves from HIV.

Extreme Right-Wing Bloviater Glenn Beck preaches long-standing socialist tenent to West Point cadets visiting his TeeVee Box studio.

Wait…what? West Point cadets were part of Beck’s, “The Crazy Hour,” on the Faux News Network? Is that legal?

No, this is not Backwards World. This is life and sometimes it’s stranger than fiction.

What the Pope said, precisely, is this:

“There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization.”

This is the Pope, mind you: the Holy See, the Bishop of Rome, the Vicar of Christ, the pontifical arbiter of all things sexual (made up that last one).

He makes his remarks in a book to be published on Tuesday, The Light of the World. And it’s curious he would use this particular example.

Of course, he further stipulates:

“(The Church) does not regard (condom use) as a real or moral solution, but, in this or that case, there can be nonetheless, in the intention of reducing the risk of infection, a first step in a movement toward a different way, a more human way, of living sexuality.”

His Holiness doesn’t explain which kind of condom might be okay for male prostitutes to use: lubricated, lamb skin, tickle-me-elmo; he’s just not clear on that point.

It’s a hard subject and many folks around the world – male prostitutes in particular – see this as an opening…of sorts.

In a completely separate bizarre story linked only by the general subject of male anatomy, Glenn Beck takes up a principle cause of the Paris Commune of 1871: salaries of government workers.

On his Friday TeeVee Box show, Beck told West Point cadets the salaries of government workers should not be more than the salaries of average workers.

The Public Record was quick to point out Beck’s position is precisely the same as Lenin’s when in a speech in 1911, Lenin lauded the Paris Commune’s work and goals as a necessary step toward communism.

“And, as if to emphasize its character as a truly democratic, proletarian government, the Commune decreed that the salaries of all administrative and government officials, irrespective of rank, should not exceed the normal wages of a worker,” said Lenin.

Beck and Lenin, agreeing on the same point. Who woulda thunk it?

I’m gonna stick with Marx and Lennon (Groucho and John).

Aggressive secularism R us!

Pope&Queen

So the Pope goes to Westminster Abbey and acts like the last 500 years of aggressive secularism just never even happened.

And by, “aggressive secularism,” he means Anglicans and Presbyterians and, please, don’t even bring up the Methodists!

Okay, whatever. Maybe Madam Tussaud can post Thomas Cromwell’s head on the London Bridge once again. Just for old time’s sake.

Oh yea, and by, “aggressive secularism,” he means the printing press.

Back across the pond, however, Gutenberg would be shocked and awed by the speed with which we can aggressively circulate revolt, if not outright repulsion.

Fewer than five days after appearing onstage at the VMAs wearing a meat dress (complete with meat purse she asked Cher to hold), the unstoppable Lady Gaga is taking Sen. John McCain to task on the Twitter for rumors we may try to filibuster the inevitable end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

“SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is attempting to stop the DON’T ASK DON’T TELL repeal vote this tuesday, with a filibuster,” Tweeted her Gaganess, only to follow up with, “All hands on deck Lil Monsters: Key senate vote this Tues. on #DADTrepeal. We need 60 senators. Call your senator now.”

She meant, “deck.”

Sen. McCain, always the Maverick, responded with, “Who is Lady Gaga and why would anyone want to wear a dress made of meat? Don’t ask me. Don’t tell me.”

“And if the Pope is going to London does that mean King Henry finally gets his divorce?”

I’m just making all that up, of course. Sen. McCain just barely remembers the 16th Century.

But that doesn’t mean the current GOP isn’t trying to take us back there.

Judging from the candidates the TeaParty-GOP has fielded in Nevada, Kentucky, Colorado, Florida and, now, Delaware, it is clear retro-politics has once again become fashionable among the silk-stocking cowed…er…crowed.

It’s just not good politics without a heavy dose of fear and judgment thrown in. And for God’s sake, follow the advice of the GOP’s newest poster child, Christine O’Donnell and don’t try that masturbation thing at home! Leave it to the professionals.

Fortunately for us, aggressive secularism is a hallmark of this great country. That’s why we wrote that whole Constitution thingy to say a state shouldn’t be forcing religion on anyone.

But just the same, when we are ready for a new religious leader, 17 percent of us are ready for that leader to be…drum roll, please….that’s right: Glenn Beck! (At least according to a poll published by the Public Religion Research Institute.)

It’s reassuring, I know. But religious leadership is really such a fleeting mantle. Look for those numbers to change by the end of October when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert hold their competing rallies on the Mall in Washington: the Rally to Restore Sanity and the Keep Fear Alive Rally…respectively.

Look for pigeons to fly over as a sign from God.

Dude, where’s my Qur’an?

JonesImam

Welcome to September 10, 2010!

It’s a big day on the calendar…Jews are celebrating Rosh Hashanah, the new year and reaffirmation of God as king; Muslims are celebrating Eid Al-Fitr, the end of Ramadan and they can eat again in the daylight.

Floridians are celebrating the statistical peak of Hurricane Season.

James W. Hart, currently also known as Chief Junaluska, is celebrating 82 great years.

Saturday is September 11th and Americans will accumulate in large gatherings all over this great land to observe two groups of very large young men intentionally run into each other, knock each other down and attempt in the midst of this mayhem to get that punkin from one end of the cow pasture to th’other without either getting’ knocked down…or steppin’ in somethin’. (Yea, that’s right…Andy Griffith!)

The good news is the large crowd expected to gather in Gainesville, Florida will be there to watch two moderately successful groups of those large young men intentionally run into each other…

…and not to watch a book burnin’. This is progress.

After great deliberation and prayer – and the attention of the whole world – Alleged Pastor Terry Jones, the poor man’s Hulk Hogan, decided not to burn copies of the Qur’an on Saturday…maybe…um, not sure.

God spoke to the Alleged Pastor and told him to STFU. And, then, pulled the plug on his website.

No, seriously, Jones announced Thursday afternoon he’d met with Muslims leaders from Florida and decided to call off the Qur’an burning because New York Muslims leaders told him they’d move Cordoba House community center to Paramus, New Jersey.

After hearing the news, the New York Muslims leaders said…What? We didn’t tell that jackass any such thing.

It was only then Alleged Pastor Jones admitted he merely postponed the book burnin’ and only because Angelina Jolie threatened to grow a moustache just like his if he went along with it.

Meanwhile, the world’s press corps search frantically for some other story to cover and the rest of the world’s right-wing nut jobs tried desperately to get the attention focused back on them.

(You and I both know Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are really pissed this lame Hulk Hogan wanna be stole their limelight as the craziest whack jobs out there.)

So, press corps, here’s a story to cover: A federal judge in California said its perfectly okay for gay folks to carry guns in the U.S. Military: lookin’ for a few good men to do more in the morning before most people get up.

Restoring our Donors…er…Honor!

TNmosque

Ah, the morning dawns fresh and invigorating!

There is in the air the slightest wisp of cool breeze, a harbinger of fall’s crispness just around the corner. The sky is clear, free of moisture after days of reviving rain.

All seems right with the world and, thankfully, our honor has been restored!

What, you say? Our honor has been restored? You didn’t know it had been torn and shattered?

Does this mean I can take the big “A” off my collar? Can I review my discharge?

Yes, that’s right. You may have overlooked it in the busy weekend of summer fun, pre-season football, recalculating your finances now that the kids are back in school.

On the Washington Mall on Saturday, with Abraham Lincoln looking over their shoulders a relatively paltry handful of loyal and God-fearin’ ‘Murkins came together and restored our honor.

Led by TeeVee pitchman and gold salesman, Glenn Beck, the crowd reclaimed our honor from the very spot where 47 years ago Martin Luther King, Jr., proclaimed his dream that white folks and black folks, brown folks and pink folks could live together in freedom at last.

So, we’re all grateful this bunch of white folks on Saturday finally got the message and reclaimed our honor…and bought a little gold just to make sure they would still be able to purchase high fructose corn syrup after the communists take over the economy just any day now.

But just as it took a couple of years for news of Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation to travel the nation in the pre-Internet ‘Murka of the 1860s, word of our honor’s restoration didn’t quite reach some in the hinterland as quickly as one would have thought.

Honor, as a word or concept, doesn’t come quickly to mind when one reads about someone intentionally setting fire to equipment on the site of a mosque under construction in middle Tennessee.

But the Rutherford County, TN., Sheriff’s Office ruled arson as the cause of the fire Saturday night near Murfreesboro at the mosque construction site.

“Our people and community are so worried of what else can happen,” said Essim Fathy, the Islamic Center planning committee chairman said to the Nashville CBS-TV affiliate. “They are so scared.”

“We did not experience hostilities for the 30 years we’ve been here and have only seen the hostility since approval of the site plan for the new center,” said another member of the center’s planning committee.

According to the CBS story, several opponents of the Islamic Center voiced their opposition to the First Amendment’s guarantee of religious freedom.

“They are not a religion. They are a political, militaristic group,” Bob Shelton, a 76-year-old retiree who lives in the area, told The Associated Press.

Shelton was among several hundred demonstrators who recently wore “Vote for Jesus” T-shirts and carried signs that said “No Sharia law for USA!” referring to the Islamic code of law.

No mosque in Murfreesboro. I don’t want it. I don’t want them here,” said another center opponent Evy Summers to CBS. “Go start their own country overseas somewhere. This is a Christian country. It was based on Christianity.”

Now that our honor is restored, perhaps we can work on education.

UPDATE: Glenn Beck finally said something truthful. On calling the President of the United States a racist: “I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things. That’s just not the way people should behave. And it was not accurate.”

The liberal Bush years…

ConsvLibs

Here they go, again!

Those crazy liberals, wanting to subvert the laws of the nation and the constitution to keep off private property the practice of religion!

The framers of the constitution made it clear: no law shall be made respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free expression thereof.

But these liberals: Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the rest, want to liberally construe that fundamental right to exclude Muslims from it. Probably Methodists, too, if they thought they could!

They liberally apply hate to persuade the rest of us of their point of view.

Clearly, they are constitutional obstructionists who care little about the literal interpretation of the nation’s original founding framework.

Many of them also, apparently, want to go back to the days of the liberal George Bush Administration.

You remember the liberal Bush Administration, of course. How can we forget? It’s indelibly etched on our check books.

George Bush took a $46 billion budget surplus from the Clinton Administration in 2000 and liberally spent it to once again turn ours into a debtor nation.

Bush took the nation’s budget deficit to $2.2 trillion in just his first three years while liberally increasing federal spending by 22 percent. By the end of his term the budget deficit remain around $1.85 trillion.

George Bush liberally took us to war – twice, against two entire nations – all the while insisting we weren’t fighting Islam but, rather, a small pocket of insane criminals and political ideologues.

George Bush liberally ran up the national debt in doing so.

And if that wasn’t enough, George Bush liberally changed the nation’s tax code to give the wealthiest 1 percent of us a very liberal break on their taxes.

Plenty of people want to continue those liberal policies, especially the liberally benefitted wealthy 1 percent who know hold all the power…and 80 percent of all the money.

With the liberal tax cuts in place, Bush and the liberal Republican Congress went about setting the greatest spending spree in U.S. history, culminating of course in the very liberal and generous $700 billion bailout of a number of financial firms suddenly disintegrating.

The firms disintegrated because of a stark and liberal relaxation of the financial industry’s regulation.

But unhappy with the conservative approach to governance by the Obama Administration, these liberals want to return to the days of free spending, tax cuts for the rich, war and liberally applied doses of religious intolerance and xenophobia.

Newt, Rush, Sarah: we don’t need your liberal ways anymore!

Yes, we can…but should we?

Question_Mark2

Forget progressives vs. right-wingers. Forget liberal and conservative.

Forget the Yankees vs. the Red Sox. Forget boxers vs. briefs.

Forget George W. Bush’s world of “haves and have mores.” Besides, the Have-Mores own us all, anyway, grabbed us by the short-sales.

We are now officially a society divided with “Yes, we can” and “But should we”? The Yes people on one hand and the But people on the other.

Yes, the Republicans could nominate Sarah Palin as their presidential nominee in 2012 but should they?

Yes, the Alabama Crimson Tide could repeat as NCAA men’s football champions in 2011 but should they?

Yes, some jack-legged network on the TeeVee Box could start yet another inane reality series filled with half-wits and degenerates but should it?

Yes, the Republicans can base an entire campaign season on fear mixed with xenophobia, homophobia and religious bigotry but should they?

Yes, you can wear a striped shirt with plaid pants but should you?

Yes, two billionaires in Florida can try to buy their way into state and national elective office but should they?

Can the voters of Florida be so stupid as to elect those two billionaires? Yes, yes, we can.

Yes, we can believe Jesus manifests himself on a piece of cheese toast but should we?

Yes, Dr. Laura can repeat the “N” word…over and over in rage…and continue to do her show on the live radio but should she? (Ha-ha-ha! No, by her own admission, she shouldn’t.)

And, while we’re at…yes, Douche Limpbranch and Gin BecksBeer can continue to spew their own versions hatred and lies on the live radio each afternoon…but should they?

Yes, we can pick the Miami Dolphins to win the AFC East and possibly even go to the Super Bowl but should we?

Blago can continue to proclaim his innocence on 23 out of the 24 counts but should he?

News Corp., the parent corporation of the Faux News Channel can give $1 million to the Republican Party but should it?

We can continue to claim it somehow violates…something or other…if gay people get married but should we?

Yes, Brett Favre can play again for the Vikings but should he?

Yes, the Tea Party can attempt a hostile takeover of the Republican Party but should it? (For Democrats, the answer would be, “why, yes, please!”)

Gin BecksBeer can spew his racism and hatred on the anniversary of M.L.King’s “I Have a Dream” speech but should he?

We, as a nation, can continue to eat garbage fed to us by giant, thoughtless corporations and grow so fat that when we sit around the house we really sit around the house but should we?

We can ignore the suffering due to floods in Pakistan but should we? We can forget about Haiti but should we?

We can continue to feign a, “yes, we can,” attitude but, at the same time, question our every initiative and cave in to right-wing fear and hysteria…but should we?

Political bullies are nothing new.

bullies

As Tropical Storm Bonnie lies over the ocean…crosses South Florida and, over the weekend, the Gulf of Mexico, the oil spill site and Looziana, it gives one pause to consider bullies.

Tropical storms and hurricanes are meteorological bullies.

The only difference between hurricanes and human bullies is hurricanes can do real damage.

Human bullies are usually just thugs; insecure brats who act out because of deep, empty holes in their souls. They only time they do any real damage is if they actually gain some sort of power: political or financial.

Think dictators, fascists, greedy money traders, giant corporations, oligarchs, plutarchs.

American political history is rife with bullies. The corporate barons of the gilded age, come to mind; Sen. Joe McCarthy. Father Charles Caughlin was the first political bully of the mass communications age. These were all 20th Century phenomena.

This current crop of bullies in the 21st Century is no different, really. Sure, they have their own network at Fox. But they’re really no different than any others in history.

Limbaugh, Beck, Ingram, Breitbart, Hannity, Savage, O’Reilly…they’re all just bullies. They make a lot of money, of course, because heavy corporate interests use them to advance the agenda of middle-class destruction and wealth distribution – up to the wealthy and corporate interests.

But they’re really just bullies. This Breitbart thug and his cronies at Fox did some real damage this week, bullying the Obama Administration, the NAACP and a fine public servant, Shirley Sherrod. But they’ve done it before. Think Van Jones, ACORN. Think racists bullies…which is, of course, redundant.

It’s a shameful history repeating itself.

FDR has his bully faction to deal with (Not to be confused with TR’s bully pulpit!)

FDR had the American Liberty League. Formed in 1934, the Liberty League was funded by the Dupont Family and their corporate buddies to oppose labor unions and FDR’s New Deal policies.

Supporters included U.S. Steel, General Motors, General Foods, Standard Oil, Colgate, Heinz Foods, Chase National Bank, Goodyear Tire and Rubber and many other corporate giants of the day.

The league rallied support for the conservative-dominated U.S. Supreme Court to overturn FDR’s agenda. (Remember the court-packing episode in FDR’s tenure?) A suggestion exists they even tried to stage a coup.

The only difference between then and now is that many of the prominent leaguers were Democrats. Al Smith, the Democratic nominee for president in 1928 was a leader, as was Dean Acheson, who would become Harry Truman’s Secretary of State, and 1924 Democratic nominee John W. Davis.

The effort died out in 1940. The greater good at the time was served so much better by FDR’s reforms and actions than by continued greed.

But the message was much the same then as now: “defend and uphold the Constitution, lower taxes, more freedom.” Hollow bromides masking the real intent: power to exploit.

They certainly had their way, got much of what they wanted during the Bush years. Now, we’re cleaning up the mess – financial calamity, oil in the Gulf of Mexico, two needless wars, massive federal debt.

The bullies of today would rather we keep the mess. It’s easier to exploit a society in shock and chaos.

Oil gusher plugged. How ’bout some pieholes?

TeaPartyRacism

The oil gusher on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico is capped and Washington is rattled by an earthquake.

Coincidence?

Hmmm….Did passage of a Wall Street reform bill play any role in any of this? (Maybe it would have if any real reform had been passed.)

Hmmm…did anyone ever see Ringo Starr and Yasser Arafat in the same room at the same time?

Did someone forget to tell HTC-Columbia’s Mark Renshaw there is NO HEAD-BUTTING in Le Tour de France?

All thanks and praise be to Glenn Beck for revealing to us that politically progressive people are enemies of God.

“The word was, ‘hot dog.’ And we ate it!” – Pastor Rod Flash.

Back in D.C. the both Republicans and Democrats were quick to…wait for it…find fault with each other in the earthquake. (Credit: @DCDebbie)

Fox News found the fault lay in the Black Panthers Movement…of the 1960s.

As U2 once suggested: shake, rattle and hmmm…

Thank heavens, the Teabaggers were quick to deny any and all racism in the racist tea party rants such as those from teabag leader Mark Williams who posted on his blog, MarkTalk.com, a whimsical imaginary letter from the NAACP to President Lincoln:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing.  Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards.  That is just far too much to ask of us [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week.  We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

…rant…rant…rant…taxes…tea parties not racist…taxes…rant…whatever…

…Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever.  We had a great gig.  Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by someone else.  Please repeal the 13th and 14thAmendments and let us get back to where we say that belong.

Sincerely

Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew,  National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

Nope, no racism in that at all.

Just can’t imagine where folks come up with the idea these right-wing fascists are racists.

And morons.

The Douche is back…

Although it may have gone relatively unnoticed in all the media hype over some guy named Lindsay Lohan, carnival sideshow barker Douche Limpbranch must be back on the radio.

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on OxyContin.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “If Obama weren’t black he’d be a tour guide in Honolulu.”

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!

Neanderthal DNA…’splains a lot!

Researchers in Europe have discovered Neanderthals may have been takin’ the skin boat to tuna town with early humans.

That’s right. According to DNA research currently being conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Neanderthals had a max planck for the new and really cute humans who moved to town and before they died out spent a few steamy nights with them amid candlelight and Lady Gaga records.

This has resulted, say the researchers, in a strain of Neanderthal DNA swimming for thousands of years in the gene pool of non-African humans. As a matter of fact, the researchers suggest 1 to 4 percent of the DNA in non-Africans (Europeans) is, in fact, Neanderthal.

A poll taken by ABC news the other day suggested the teabaggers account for approximately 2 percent of the population; a curious statistical comparison.

Seriously, the Neanderthal DNA strain could actually explain quite a bit.

NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, failure to regulate financial markets or protect consumers, GOP southern strategy, Arizona immigration law, hair on the upper lip of Italian women, ultimate cage fighting, California and Florida senate races; and why the British Parliament may be hung but not well-hung.

On the other hand – the one with knuckles dragging along the hot sidewalk – this research may lead to a whole new bag of excuses for stupidity among public figures and policy makers.

Good news, senators and world’s top golfers, you no longer have to claim alcoholism or go into rehab when you get caught leafing through pages or burying your balls in the deep rough. You can simply blame it on the Neanderthal DNA!!

Johnny Cochran would have loved this defense!!

Say, for example, you hit the “b” key when you meant to hit the “m” key and suddenly stock prices plummet around the globe and people are leaping from tall buildings. You simply say, “oops…my bad…Neanderthal DNA moment!!”

Or when you find yourself repeatedly talking about how safe it is today to drill for oil immediately off beaches and salt marshes.

Or, perhaps, when you find yourself so stridently homophobic that you found an entire non-profit organization based on, he-he, rooting out people who prefer to knock boots with others of the same sex only to get caught yourself taking a little vacation with an Internet rent-a-boy. Rather than admitting to being an intensely gross hypocrite you can simply say, “Hey, I’ve admitted my inner Neanderthal.”

There is a problem with this defense, however. As far as we know, Neanderthals were not found across this great continent, the mid-breadth of which would one day become known as the U-nited States of ‘Murka.

So, to admit to Neanderthal heritage might put one at risk of being deported from the State of Arizona due to lack of native status.

I understand the Apache people will soon start demanding papers of Arizona Legislators.

Cinco de Mayo…with a side of conspiracy!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Okay all you Anglos with a tan, we’re headed to Arizona, donning our guayaberas and huaraches and telling the cops we brought our Coronas directly from Mexico!

Whoo-hoo!! We’re all Mexican today! Well, maybe not in Arizona; could get you arrested and charged with being brown.

Oh sure, Cinco de Maya is well-known as a kind of Mexican Independence Day, meant to commemorate Zapata’s victory over Napoleon at Veracruz but, hey, what’s that compared to drinking contests when you can drink so much tequila you think you’re speaking Spanish to that groovy looking chick who is actually from India.

Besides everyone knows Cinco de Mayo was started as a conspiracy to sell more Coronas to the gringos! Ha-Ha-Ha!! Zapata knew someday another Mexican would invent Corona beer and that gringos north of what would become the border would do anything to get it.

Just like Mother’s Day is a conspiracy, according to Gin Beck’sBeer on his radio show.

It’s been conspiracy week on all along the radio dial where you’ll find the right-wing-noise-machine. Everyone loves a good conspiracy of course, especially when you don’t have any substantive ideas to promote or solutions to propose.

Rant, baby, rant!!

In addition to Beck’s rant against Mother’s Day (rant against Mother’s Day…really, Glenn, really?), we have conspiracies to blow up the Gulf of Mexico oil well and that dastardly plot to read Miranda Rights to a U.S. Citizen arrested for a connection to the Times Square failed bomb attempt.

What will these morons think of next?

Oh, I know! How ‘bout U.S. Senator John McCain, Vietnam war hero (for being taken captive), defeated presidential candidate and all-around Maverick – though he now denies it – suggesting the Pakistani-born U.S. Citizen arrested in connection with the Times Square bombing attempt doesn’t need Miranda Rights?

Then, of course, pops up Heckuva-job-Brownie to say how the Obama Administration loves the Gulf oil spill because the President gets to pander to the environmentalists.

Takes a lot of tar balls washing up on the beach for Brownie to even show his face in public, let alone say something as goofy as that.

No, but seriously, Douche Limpbranch may be on to something by suggesting it was the environmental whackos who dove 5,000 feet into the Gulf of Mexico to intentionally blow up the Deep Horizon oil well and flood the Gulf of Mexico with crude…black gold…Texas tea…the New Gulf of Mexico.

That’s it!! That’s the conspiracy! We’ll just drain the Gulf of Mexico, fill it with oil and we can all head down to the beach with straws and snort it right up! Cut out the middle-man, cars and all those noisy machines.

Finally, when it comes to teabaggers affecting the outcomes of elections? Not so much apparently. Teabag candidates earned a massive-fail at the polls in Republican primaries in Ohio, Indiana and North Carolina.

“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
– Macbeth.

Can wing nuts nail 3-pointers?

Do you really want to take on a President who can nail left-handed 3-pointers from the corner like that?

Taking on Ohio State roundball legend and CBS analyst Clark “Special K” Kellogg in a game of HORSE-turned-POTUS, the “Big O” showed a downtown range that would make Dukies envious.

You can’t leave the guy open in the corner, that’s for sure. And teabaggers, I’m talkin’ to you, Rush, Beck & the teabaggers. Plus, he’s left handed, knows how to spell and conjugate verbs, a particular sticking point with the wing nuts.

You see, spelling and grammar are not strong suits of the teabag crowd. A quick sampling of home-made signs at teabagger rallies includes some real gems (supplied by the Seattle Weekly).

“Obama Lier in Chief.”  “Obama Commander in Theif.”

“Repeel Congress!”

“No Hussien Obama”

“I did’nt serve 22 years for socialism.”

“No Amensty.”

“Don’t take my rights. I’m still useing them.” (Dictionary, not so much.)

“No mas illegal alliens.”

Oh well, one doesn’t have to be literate to have political opinions in the good ol’ U.S. of A. One just has to have a permanent marker and some poster board.

One thing is for sure, though. The teabaggers don’t know what to do with the Republican Party and the Republican Party doesn’t know what to do with the teabaggers.

“Lot of noise,” said one unnamed senior Republican consultant to the Washington Post. “No muscle.”

The teabaggers don’t…er, do’nt…even know what to do with themselves – other than be angry.

In Florida, they’re fighting against themselves. Some dude in Orlando registered the Tea Party as a new political party. But teabaggers resist, saying they don’t want to be party. And, now, they’re all suing each other. Somebody hit the snooze button!

And finally, GOP Chairman Michael Steele told George Stephanopoulos this morning he is not stepping down, no matter that his underlings took the GOP credit card to a bondage sex club in L.A.

Says he and POTUS get narrower margins of error because they are African-American. Wait…Steele is African-American?

But, hey, the good news is we can take a break from politics, between-the-legs passes of black men and spend the rest of the week talking about the Masters…and Tiger’s putter.

And THIS is Holy Week????

It’s Good Friday on the Christian calendar (except for the Greeks, of course) and the U.S. government officially observed the death of Christ by announcing the economy added over 160,000 jobs in March.

That and by rolling back airport security measures for people from countries where most people look kinda dark and swarthy, sorta like Jesus probably did.

But, hey, it’s Holy Week in a number of ways and the time of year when lots of religions celebrate something. Jews observed Passover this week (at which point the whole Easter thing started in the first place.) Muslims just celebrated the birth of the Prophet.

Buddhists celebrate every day and the Hindus are rolling around both Hanuman Jayanti and Baisahki. The Zoroastrians just celebrated Naw-Ruz and the Rastafarians celebrate every time a good crop comes in.

Each of these festivals was celebrated in traditional ways in the White House, this year; along with the Kenyan socialist holiday of Sean Hannity’s birthday.

The Fox Nation is celebrating Sarah Palin’s new show on the TeeVee Box, panned almost universally among anyone with any sense about what makes up good TeeVee.

“Palin is disconnected from the show,” says the New York Daily News. “Having her follow the taped pieces with interviews gives the production the feel of a telethon, without the pitch for money.”

Surprising, really, that Glenn Beck didn’t object to the debut of the Sarah Palin Variety Hour on Maundy Thursday. Hmmm…must have slipped past him.

And just in time for Easter, the crazies who think its okay to end baby-killing by killing doctors almost had a new martyr of their own to celebrate.

Scott Roeder, convicted of killing Kansas City doctor George Tiller was sentenced to life in prison, eligible for parole in 50 years. He can get out when he’s 104.

Lots of murder cases get the death penalty. But not this one.

At his sentencing hearing, Roeder was defiant saying the blood of justice will sweep over the nation “like the prairie wind.” Whatever that means.

It’s been a tough week for the Republican Party, too. In a single week, the GOP has gone from the Party of No to the Party of No-Holds-Barred when it comes to kinky bondage-themed L.A. clubs and phone sex.

Finally – and in the spirit of what Easter is REALLY all about – a high school in Palo Alto, California – ironically called Gunn High School – decided to counter the hate laid at its doorstep with a rally to promote peace, tolerance and love.

Click here to read the story and watch the video.

(Thanks to @jeangfl on the TwitterMachine for the heads up.)

Peace.

Sure, makes sense: better health care leads to violence!

It’s a good thing we’re finally gonna see the nation’s health care system reformed.

There’s a whole lotta folks out there gonna need some serious medical attention, soon, if this national political discourse gets any more violent! Is mental health care covered in the reforms?

Holy Crap! What’re you people thinkin’? Death threats, spittin’ at members of Congress, callin’ ‘em horrible names, throwin’ money at Parkinson’s patients…and that’s just in my family!

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they put me under the jail and throw away the key.”

“Not the golfers, you idiot. The gofers!”  (Slaps Carl with Tam O’Shanter.)

“Oh…we can do that. We don’t even need a license.”

Even the centered, staid NPR felt like it had to devote nearly an hour Thursday to the violent rhetoric and threats peeling across the political marketplace.

And then, of course, comes along the Faux New Channel – whistling and rolling eyes – saying it’s a “bad atmosphere” and wondering where all this comes from?

Gee, can’t figure it out.

The good news is Glenn Beck has is all figured out: It’s the radical bomb-throwing hippies of the 1960s, the people now in charge of the fedrul gov’munt; they are the ones poking and prodding the teabaggers into atrocious threats of violence.

All we need, says Beck, is the finger of God.

Glad we have Sarah Palin who’s promised to – seriously – “target” members of Congress who voted in favor of healthcare reform.

“Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: Don’t Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!” Palin shouted on the Twittermachine.

And on her Facebook page, Palin displayed a map of her targeted congressional members, with gun sights to locate their districts.

“Well aim for these races and many others,” she writes. “This is just the first salvo in a fight to elect people across the nation who will bring common sense to Washington.”

Yep, the common sense of targeting and aiming and salvos…peaceful talk.

Nope, just can’t imagine where all these poor teabagger folks are getting the notion to be angry and violent.

Peace to you.

GOP hand slapped, caught in Census cookie jar!

Here they go again: the U.S. House of Representatives never lets anyone have any fun!

Curmudgeons, that’s what they are. Here, the Republican National Committee was just trying a little political merriment – a little word play – and make some money on the side.

Sure, the RNC letter to thousands said, “Congressional District Census,” and, “Do Not Destroy, Official Document,” and was a push-poll combined with a plea for money but, come on…really…it was just a harmless little stunt; a prank just to count gullible Americans!

The real and official U.S. Census forms are about to hit the mail, you see, and the Republican National Committee and the campaign arm of the Republicans in the House, the National Republican Campaign Committee, thought it’d be a hoot to send out a fund-raiser and pointed questionnaire and call it, “census” and “official document” and…ha-ha-ha…that’s really funny.

Buffoons all across this great land of ours would think it’s the real census, answer the questions about household demographics and economics and send back money…because, of course, the real Census always asks us for money!

But, okay, in a vote of 416-0 (all House Republicans voting in favor), the House of Representatives decided such pranks are not cool and banned this harmless little fun of the RNC.

“The NRCC remains opposed to misleading mailings,” said an RNCC spokesman, after the vote. “Unless, of course, we can get away with it.”

No, just making up that last part.

Pity the poor GOP. All this comes on the heels of the leaked memo in which the RNC finance committee suggested using fear and ego-massaging as a way to raise money from its wealthiest patrons.

A suggestion for the GOP: find some issues and campaign on those. We all remember Nancy Reagan’s famous, “Just Say No,” anti-drug campaign. But just saying no will only get you so far. Just a thought.

Meanwhile, our socialist president has lived up to his promise and redistributed the wealth from his Nobel Prize, giving all $1.4 to charities.

According to the New York Times, President Obama gave $250,000 to Fisher House, an organization providing housing for families of veterans being treated at government medical centers. He also gave $200,000 to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund and plenty of money to organizations like the United Negro College Fund, the Hispanic Scholarship Fund, the Appalachian Leadership and Education Foundation, the American Indian College Fund, Africare and the Central Asia Institute, which promotes the education of young women in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Watch for the Right Wing Nut Jobs to rail against the groups as scurrilous. Kinda wish Obama had sent a few bucks the way of ACORN, just for giggles.

Yea, and…HEY! Glenn Beck!…this is called social justice and, yea, real people of faith are called to it.

Right Wing Cartoons abound…

Memo to Right-Wing Nut Jobs: you really need to calm down a little.

Seriously, we all appreciate good debate on issues of great concern. But, really, guys & gals of the knuckle-dragging variety, you really need to install mirrors. You’re starting to look and sound…well…let’s face it…like cartoons; like parodies of yourselves.

You’re really starting to look Homer-ish. DOH!

Take, for example, these Homers who now think the good ol’ US of A is so bad they want nothing to do with it. Where once folks of this ilk might proclaim, “America: love it or leave it,” they’re now willing to simply leave it.

A whole bunch of Homers up in Indiana have declared themselves no longer a part of the U.S. and, instead, claim they are something called, “sovereign citizens” of…of…of…themselves, I guess.

They’ve printed up their own ID cards, declared their homes to be embassies and will refuse to pay taxes.

“It gives me diplomatic immunity,” said Hoosier Homer Donald Moore. “The way I understand it, the federal government is incorporated, and all the states are incorporated. This takes me out of the corporation.”

Alrighty, then!

Picking up on that sentiment is good ol’ Douche Limpbranch, long a cartoon on the radio, who now says he will leave the country and move to Costa Rica if we adopt reform of our nation’s health care system.

First of all…hey Douche, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Second – and, Douche, you’re gonna really like this – Costa Rica has the very best nationalized health care system in Latin America and is ranked among the top three in the world. Heck, you don’t even need a prescription for Viagra in Costa Rica!

This might tie in nicely with Sarah Palin’s recent admission her family took advantage of the national health care program of Canada when she was growing up in Skagway, Alaska. Maybe she’ll now quit railing against health care reform in the U.S…probably not.

Speaking of media clowns, there’s always the cartoonish Gin Beck’sBeer.

With advertisers running from his show like rats on a burning ship, he’s happy to get revenue from folks like the “small, fiercely independent farmers” who will sell you “survival seeds” as a hedge against the impending…meltdown…something…dunno know, exactly.

While the farmers may be small, short maybe, their visions of Mad Max time are grand and you can help them prepare for it by sending them lots of cash in return for survival seeds.

There is the U.S. Senate race in Florida where Gov. Charlie Crist accused his teabagger-buddy opponent, Marco! Polo! Rubio!, of spending $130 in state GOP party money on a haircut or a back wax or something.

Rubio (Marco!) denies this, through a spokesman: “Marco paid $20 for a haircut with a razor on the neck, and he bought some items that went into a silent auction, including gift certificates. Charlie Crist’s obsession with making up things about other people’s grooming habits is bizarre for anyone, especially the sitting governor of Florida. It’s also a shame he cares more about what’s in Marco’s personal bills than what’s in the stimulus bill he supported.”

Finally, we have the right-wing rebirth of the Holy Roman Empire in Florida, Ave Maria University, which now wants its female staffers to wear only skirts and dresses, no pants (and, we presume, tops of some type). We like to see leg at Ave Maria!

Cartoons…and it ain’t even Saturday morning.