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Senate candidates & climate: What? Me worry?

Posted on October 18, 2010 By

ClimateDeniers

Whew! Glad THAT’S over…now that summer is gone, heat is giving way to the cool of fall and the cold of winter, we can stop again all this crazy talk about the Earth heating up.

I mean, really, it still gets cold in winter, right? So how is it that climate is changing? Okay, sure, maybe the summer of 2010 was the hottest on record in many places but so what?

And here’s the good news: nearly all the GOTea Party candidates running for the U.S. Senate believe all this talk of climate change is just a bunch of hooey. Ain’t that great?

We’re waiting for them to announce positions on the spherical nature of the globe and where they stand on the much debated question of gravity or is it simply the Earth sucks?

Many of the GOTea Party candidates seem to think the steam engine will produce a major upheaval in society! Take back America! To the freakin’ 19th Century!

Well, okay, maybe they’re not that weak-minded. But hardly any of them want to see the obvious – the earth’s atmosphere is heating up and it’s being caused by humanity pumping up way too much carbon. Do ostriches like tea?

Here’s a sampling:

Marco Rubio, Florida, running against Democrat Kendrick Meek and independent Charlie Crist:

Rubio called Crist “a believer in man-made global warming.” “I don’t think there’s the scientific evidence to justify it,” Rubio said.

Asked whether he accepts the scientific evidence that the global climate is undergoing change, he responded, “The climate is always changing. The climate is never static. The question is whether it’s caused by man-made activity and whether it justifies economically destructive government regulation.”

You gotta love these guys who can still talk, with a straight face, about government regulations being destructive to the economy.

Then, there’s Ron Johnson in Wisconsin trying to unseat legendary Senator Russ Feingold:

“I absolutely do not believe that the science of man-caused climate change is proven,” said Johnson. “Not by any stretch of the imagination. I think it’s far more likely that it’s just sunspot activity or something just in the geologic eons of time where we have changes in the climate.”

Sun spots.

Linda McMahon in Connecticut:

“I think there’s evidence to the positive and to the contrary about global warming,” she said.

Right. Climate change doesn’t exist but professional wrestling is real.

Rand Paul, in Kentucky, threw in Osama bin Laden just for good measure:

“Now Osama bin Laden had a quote yesterday. He’s says he’s after the climate change as well. It’s a bigger issue; we need to watch ‘em. Not only because it may or may not be true, but they’re making up their facts to fit their conclusions,” said Paul…followed by the audience response: “WHAT???”

Finally, Sharon Angle running to unseat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada:

“I don’t, however, buy into the whole … man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there’s not sound science to back that up,” she said.

Oh, okay…no sound science.

As you can see, we have the opportunity for a very enlightened U.S. Senate.

Ducks, the issue…

Posted on October 8, 2010 By

Duck&WitchNewt

Only 10 years into America’s Century and who would have thought our political discourse could have gotten so rotten so soon?

Really? The big ad of the 2010 season begins with the disclaimer, “I am not a witch”?

We haven’t seen that kind of political ad since the Salem City Council elections in 1692.

It would, of course, be very easy to tell if Tea Party darling and (can’t believe I’m actually writing this) U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is, in fact, a witch.

There are ways to tell if she’s a witch.

There are? Yes. Tell us how. What do we do with witches? We burn them!! Why do we burn them? They’re made of wood! So, we build a bridge out of her? No, we can also build bridges out of stone.

What else can wood do? Float in water. So, we throw Christine O’Donnell into the pond to see if she floats? No, plenty of other things float. Ducks float.

So, we weigh her and if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s witch! Easy! And it’s the same logic Rumsfeld and Cheney used to persuade Bush to invade Iraq!

And since we’ve all become sheep, we should end all political spots with the tagline, “I am ewe.”

But, wait! That’s not all! There’s more!

There is Virginia Congressional District 1 candidate…not making this up…Krystal Ball, a Democrat.

Something told Krystal Ball to run for the Congress but someone else told a right-wing website about private photos taken during Krystal Ball’s graduation party at the University of Virginia when she was 22 years old. In the photos, now candidate Ball appears to fondle a red…um…er…mommies-best-friend attached at the time to her husband’s nose (as he played the part of Rudolph the Red Dildoed Reindeer.)

One would have thought Krystal Ball could have seen this coming; the release of the photos. But, you see, Ms. Ball was listed during her time as a congressional aide on The Hill’s annual photo essay of “The Hill’s Most Beautiful People.” So, the right-wing naturally went after her as a sex object.

But the right-wing should have gazed into the future and understood Krystal Ball is not prone to take this kind of thing.

“It’s sexist and it’s wrong, regardless of political party,” Ball said in a statement posted on her campaign’s Facebook page Wednesday. “And I have a message for any young woman who is thinking about running for office and has ever attended a costume party with her husband or done anything stupid on camera. Run for office. Fight for this country. Don’t let this sort of tactic deter you.”

Really! You tell ‘em, Krystal. I mean it’s not like dildoes are new to the Congress.

What happened to the GOP? Particle physics.

Posted on October 4, 2010 By

GOPhistory

It’s a real shame about the Republican Party.

It was such a Grand Old Party for nearly 160 years. It was the party of Lincoln and led the way to the end of slavery. It was the party of Teddy Roosevelt and let the way toward economic justice and conservation of our natural resources.

Later in the 20th Century the GOP become home to great leaders like Everett Dirksen, Howard Baker, Charles Percy and Nelson Rockefeller.

But after all that great tradition, the Grand Old Party has – apparently – ceased to exist. It is now the Tea Party and they like it like that.

According to a poll released last week by the Wall Street Journal, the staid old organ of the Republican Party, over 70 percent of those identifying themselves as Republicans say they support the Tea Party. Neither Richard Nixon nor Ronald Reagan would be welcomed in today’s Tea Party.

Of course, the GOP itself was on shaky ground to begin with. Since George W. Bush retired as the party’s standard bearer only 20 to 25 percent of Americans were willing to identify themselves as Republicans.

So, really, 70 percent of 25 percent isn’t really that many people.

But, nonetheless, the Republican Party is now officially the Tea Party! Just say NO! To whatever!!

But what happened to turn the GOP into the purely reactionary Tea Party? Did they run out all the moderates and progressives? Well, yes. But that’s not the complete answer.

The answer lies in particle physics: specifically in the theory of mirror matter…which suggests matter exists in the universe that is unseen and opposite currently detectable matter.

Back in the early 1900s Teddy Roosevelt led a progressive Republican Party.

TR knighted William Howard Taft to succeed him as president in the election of 1908 and Taft won easily. But Taft did the unthinkable and led the nation and the Republican Party back toward the corporatists and monopolies of which TR disapproved and against which TR fought.

The Republican Party, thought TR, should be more progressive and fight for the great mass of good, hard-working Americans.

But the progressive core of the GOP was way ahead of TR, rallied by the great progressive Senator Robert LaFollette of Wisconsin.

TR found himself boxed out and bolted to form what would become the Bull Moose Party. (So named because TR’s running mate, California Gov. Hiram Johnson claimed he was “as strong as a bull moose.”)

The Bull Moose Party, formally called the Progressive Party, put out a platform in 1912 called, not making this up, “A Contract with the People.”

The platform called for a national health plan, social security, worker’s compensation, relief for farmers, women’s suffrage, an inheritance tax, a federal income tax, the direct election of senators (who were still at the time elected by state legislators).

The Bull Moose Party also called for citizen initiatives and referenda, strict limits and disclosure of campaign contributions and a “trust busting” plank to end large corporate monopolies.

It took 100 years and lots of southern strategy, hate & race-baiting but the mirror matter, the exact opposite and until recently undetectable matter of the GOP has taken over and converted the bull moose particles into the mama grizzly particles.

Lemon Pledge for America!

Posted on September 27, 2010 By

MissionAccomplished

America is more than a country.

America is an idea – an idea that free people can govern themselves, that government’s powers are derived from the consent of the governed, that each of us is endowed by their Creator with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. America is the belief that any man or woman can – given economic, political, and religious liberty – advance themselves, their families, and the common good.

America is an inspiration to those who yearn to be free and have the ability and the dignity to determine their own destiny.

Whenever the agenda of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to institute a new governing agenda and set a different course.

These first principles were proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, enshrined in the Constitution, and have endured through hard sacrifice and commitment by generations of Americans.

In a self-governing society, the only bulwark against the power of the state is the consent of the governed, and regarding the policies of the current government, the governed do not consent.

An unchecked executive, a compliant legislature, and an overreaching judiciary have combined to thwart the will of the people and overturn their votes and their values, striking down longstanding laws and institutions and scorning the deepest beliefs of the American people.

An arrogant and out-of-touch government of self-appointed elites makes decisions, issues mandates, and enacts laws without accepting or requesting the input of the many.

Rising joblessness, crushing debt, and a polarizing political environment are fraying the bonds among our people and blurring our sense of national purpose.

Like free peoples of the past, our citizens refuse to accommodate a government that believes it can replace the will of the people with its own. The American people are speaking out, demanding that we realign our country’s compass with its founding principles and apply those principles to solve our common problems for the common good.

The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated.

Sounds like this could have been written at the end of the Bush Administration as pathetic a campaign piece for the Democrats in 2008 as it is now for the Republicans in 2010.

Just sayin’.

Senators fear rain of men!

Posted on September 22, 2010 By

GayintheMilitary

Okay, kids: POP QUIZ!!

Question: What the primary job of a United State Senator?

  1. Deliberate thoughtfully and carefully on legislation proposed to advance the health, safety & welfare of all Americans, thereby improving the quality of life for one’s constituents?
  2. Cower before the screeching voices of fear and prejudice while carrying water and bags of cash for the rich and powerful minorities who own 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and systematically blocking any progress of this nation into the 21st Century?
  3. Make sure you never actually get caught with hookers and diapers or diddling a campaign staffer’s wife…or husband?

Naw, forget “3.” That was just a joke answer.

If, however, you answered, “B,” you are most likely already a United States Senator and a member of the minority Grand Old Tea Party. That’s right: minority. There are only 41 of you out of 100 and yet the spineless Democrats let you get away with blocking any measure that might accrue to the benefit of the nation.

And not only that, but you dare to go against Lady Gaga? Oh, there WILL be hell to pay for that one!

The Grand Old Tea Party in the U.S. Senate managed Tuesday to try to keep gay military personnel in the closet by refusing to vote for a repeal of the so-called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell law. Nevermind that it’s been stuck down as unconstitutional by a federal judge in California.

Clearly the Republican Senators do not want the U.S. Military to be more fabulous. They also want to ignore the vast majority of good, decent Americans who think the whole debate over gay people in the military is ridiculous in the first place.

The Grand Old Tea Party senators – along with Arkansas Democrats Blanche Lincoln and David Pryor – prefer Don’t Ask, Don’ Tell to Live and Let Live.

Oh, and by the way, nearly 14,000 members of the U.S. Armed Forces were discharged in the past year for being gay. Some were merely happy. The good new is gay folks in Florida can now adopt children…so long as they’re not the military, I guess.

The same bunch of curmudgeons also blocked from passage the DREAM Act.

The Development, Relief and Education of Alien Minors (DREAM) Act has been languishing in Congress for years. It would allow colleges and universities to accept children who were brought by their parents to the United States without the legal documentation. The children could also serve in the military. Eventually, they would earn citizenship.

But the curmudgeon Grand Old Tea Party senators don’t want to see children get educated.

They don’t want to hear about gay people defending the country.

They especially don’t want to see Democrats trying to help move the nation along, especially this close to November elections.

Aggressive secularism R us!

Posted on September 17, 2010 By

Pope&Queen

So the Pope goes to Westminster Abbey and acts like the last 500 years of aggressive secularism just never even happened.

And by, “aggressive secularism,” he means Anglicans and Presbyterians and, please, don’t even bring up the Methodists!

Okay, whatever. Maybe Madam Tussaud can post Thomas Cromwell’s head on the London Bridge once again. Just for old time’s sake.

Oh yea, and by, “aggressive secularism,” he means the printing press.

Back across the pond, however, Gutenberg would be shocked and awed by the speed with which we can aggressively circulate revolt, if not outright repulsion.

Fewer than five days after appearing onstage at the VMAs wearing a meat dress (complete with meat purse she asked Cher to hold), the unstoppable Lady Gaga is taking Sen. John McCain to task on the Twitter for rumors we may try to filibuster the inevitable end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

“SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is attempting to stop the DON’T ASK DON’T TELL repeal vote this tuesday, with a filibuster,” Tweeted her Gaganess, only to follow up with, “All hands on deck Lil Monsters: Key senate vote this Tues. on #DADTrepeal. We need 60 senators. Call your senator now.”

She meant, “deck.”

Sen. McCain, always the Maverick, responded with, “Who is Lady Gaga and why would anyone want to wear a dress made of meat? Don’t ask me. Don’t tell me.”

“And if the Pope is going to London does that mean King Henry finally gets his divorce?”

I’m just making all that up, of course. Sen. McCain just barely remembers the 16th Century.

But that doesn’t mean the current GOP isn’t trying to take us back there.

Judging from the candidates the TeaParty-GOP has fielded in Nevada, Kentucky, Colorado, Florida and, now, Delaware, it is clear retro-politics has once again become fashionable among the silk-stocking cowed…er…crowed.

It’s just not good politics without a heavy dose of fear and judgment thrown in. And for God’s sake, follow the advice of the GOP’s newest poster child, Christine O’Donnell and don’t try that masturbation thing at home! Leave it to the professionals.

Fortunately for us, aggressive secularism is a hallmark of this great country. That’s why we wrote that whole Constitution thingy to say a state shouldn’t be forcing religion on anyone.

But just the same, when we are ready for a new religious leader, 17 percent of us are ready for that leader to be…drum roll, please….that’s right: Glenn Beck! (At least according to a poll published by the Public Religion Research Institute.)

It’s reassuring, I know. But religious leadership is really such a fleeting mantle. Look for those numbers to change by the end of October when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert hold their competing rallies on the Mall in Washington: the Rally to Restore Sanity and the Keep Fear Alive Rally…respectively.

Look for pigeons to fly over as a sign from God.

A toast to feminine hygiene products.

Posted on September 13, 2010 By

Kanye

Congress returns to work this week.

We survive another 9/11 weekend, albeit with few book burnings and more than a few lackluster Tea Party rallies across ‘Murka.

Kanye West brings down the house at the MTV Video Music Awards with his latest hit, “Runaway,” and homage to feminine hygiene, “A toast to the douchebags.”

All this a coincidence?

Perhaps but how can we be sure? After all, freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.

Fresh from fabulous vacations, er…fact-finding trips, and re-acquainting themselves with the good people back home, the Congress People will set their sights on tax cuts and small business stimulus…not necessarily in that order.

One big showdown will come over President Obama’s desire to end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

But, no, Republicans will spend their week defending the helpless rich people against these Cretin Socialist Kenyan Zoroastrians who think, for some unknown reason, the rich should pay their fair share in taxes.

While portraying a talking head Sunday on the TeeVee Box, the Orange One, the GOP minority leader in the House, the Honorable John Boehner of Ohio’s most tanned congressional district, said he might even go along with extending tax cuts for poor working chumps like you and me…but…only if the rich get to keep their Bush tax cuts.

Yea, yea…I know. It’s really had to imagine anyone defending tax breaks for the extremely wealthy but that’s the bed in which Congressional Republicans find themselves lying because even though the very rich only account for 20 percent of the population they hold 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and that’s where Republicans get most of their campaign contributions.

It’s a good strategy because the rest of us have no money left to make political contributions.

The Democrats completely missed the mark with that, siding with the poor and barely-surviving working class…what’s left of it.

If the Republicans know anything they know money and where to find it and they do a dang fine job makin’ sure the castles are protected from the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

A toast to the douchebags.

The well is dead? 14th Amendment, too?

Posted on August 4, 2010 By

GulfOilRig

“Ding Dong! The Well is dead. Which old well? The Wicked Well!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Well is dead.
Wake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Ding Dong, the Wicked Well is dead. It’s gone where the goblins go,
Below – below – below. Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Well is dead!”

Or so, they tell us.

Not that we doubt them, of course. They’ve been so accurate and truthful in the past.

And following up on the news that static clings…er…kills and mud jams have permanently killed the Deepwater Horizon Well, the guv’munt says everything’s gonna be okay.

“The government is expected to announce on Wednesday that three-quarters of the oil from the Deepwater Horizon leak has already evaporated, dispersed, been captured or otherwise eliminated — and that much of the rest is so diluted that it does not seem to pose much additional risk of harm,” reports today’s New York Times.

Even the President of the United States and the First Family will take a brief vacation to the Gulf Coast this weekend. I guess. Is that still on?

Nevermind, we can all go home now…those of us who still have homes…and jobs…and a way of life…and, okay, we still don’t know for sure how much damage this catastrophe has caused nor what permanent damage has been done to the Gulf of Mexico and its vast diversity of life.

I guess all that’s left are criminal charges and enormous fines!

But in the meantime, we can go back to hating each other.

Speaking of which, here come the Republicans, ever trying to top themselves for creating division and spawning fear and hatred just in time for elections!

We have some of Capitol Hill’s top GOPers saying maybe it’s time to revisit – or eliminate entirely – the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

You know the 14th Amendment, of course, it’s the one which reads, “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.”

It’s also the one with the Equal Protection Clause which keeps states from enacting laws to discriminate against groups of people they don’t like. Its Due Process Clause says the Bill of Rights apply to everyone setting foot in the United States of America.

The 14th Amendment was adopted in 1868, right after the Civil War by a Congress seeking to overturn the infamous Dred Scott Decision of the Supreme Court which held slaves – African-Americans – were not nor could ever be citizens of the land which held them in slavery.

But the ranking Republican in today’s U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, said over the weekend maybe it’s time to revisit that amendment. His sentiments were echoed by John Kyl of Arizona and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at,” McConnell told The Hill newspaper.

Yes, yes indeed. And, hey senators, while you’re at it why not revisit the whole issue of slavery, too? Maybe what this country needs is another good civil war! Maybe that would excite the Republican base!

Seriously, are these people living in the same century as you and me?

The Douche is back…

Posted on July 7, 2010 By

Although it may have gone relatively unnoticed in all the media hype over some guy named Lindsay Lohan, carnival sideshow barker Douche Limpbranch must be back on the radio.

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on OxyContin.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “If Obama weren’t black he’d be a tour guide in Honolulu.”

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!

The Fox & the GOP Hen House.

Posted on June 28, 2010 By

fox-news-billboard

Sen. Byrd and Sen. Kennedy can now resume their sometimes heated, sometimes cordial debates to delight of God – because she will appreciate the unparalleled thoughtfulness and intelligence.

In many ways, Sen. Byrd’s growth as a legislator and person embodied the growth of the American people in the 20th Century: from narrow-minded fear to an embrace of a much broader view of the world and compassion.

Ah, yes, but if only we could drag along that boisterous minority that clings to fear as its primary motivation.

Fear of losing something they have.

Fear of not getting something they want.

Fear of others acting in ways they deem inappropriate.

Fear in the electorate is fueled by the desire of the political minority to achieve ultimate power. But those seeking power at all costs fail to understand electoral power in the good ol’ US of A can’t be realized without…um…the backing of the people. At least, not yet.

And one-dimensional historical interpretations can not tell a complete or accurate story.

Take, for example, the small minority who fear the Obama Presidency. Who knows why they really fear President Obama. Who knows if it makes any sense, politically or philosophically? It’s just fear and fear – by any measure – is irrational.

The President could hold a press conference today to announce the sky will continue to remain blue and Fox News would immediately campaign to its minions to oppose such an outlandish projection.

The GOP once found Fox News convenient and useful. Having an entire network at a political party’s disposal is very useful, indeed, and unprecedented in American politics. But it’s been quite evident for a while that rather than the GOP controlling Fox News, the Fox has been put in charge of guarding the GOP hen house.

The GOP has grown increasingly cloistered in the hollow and howling absurdities of the Fox.

Never before has such a weak and fear-driven minority been given such a disproportionately loud voice.

One of Fox News’ latest campaigns has been to demonize – yet again – the Obama Administration’s successful effort to get Gulf of Mexico destroyer BP to cough up $20 billion for an escrow fund to pay for damage.

According to a CNN poll, 85 percent of Americans support that move by the President. Only 5 percent of Americans think President Obama has been too tough on BP.

And, yet, Fox News trot scores of protagonists to defend BP against the harsh attacks by President Obama. The Fox is shoutin’ but the chickens ain’t listenin’.

Maybe rather than Fox, the network should rename itself the News That Cried Wolf.

One final note: Frances Cobb Hart would have turned 81 today. Bless her.

The politics of the insipid…

Posted on June 4, 2010 By

Politics in the US of A inherently brings out the best and brightest – but also the gross, ignorant and insipid.

It is the yin and yang of it.

I see this tweet, yesterday. (A tweet, for you great unwashed and disconnected, is a 140-character message posted on Twitter, the micro-blogging social medium which – like politics – offers both concise brilliance and enormously short-sighted inanities.)

So, I see this tweet yesterday.

“Obama hates Jews,” it read. WTF, I thought. That’s just stupid.

Doesn’t President Obama make a big deal of celebrating an official White House Passover Seder?

Not being able to simply let such obvious moronic thoughts pass without a rebuttal, the message was re-tweeted with this note: “this is simply a bald-faced lie.”

Turns out the original tweet was sent by a fervent believer in all things inane and right-wing conspiratorial. The poor woman couldn’t help herself.

“You disagree with me?” she wrote back. Being busy, I didn’t see that tweet for way too many minutes in her mind.

“I want proof that he does not hate Jews,” she insisted. “Give me some facts, quotes, etc.”

And in just a few minutes more:

“Have you come up with a response for your ass-kissing, pathetic president? It doesn’t matter if you’re gay.”

A quick check of this troubled tweeter’s profile revealed her to be “conservative, mom of 2 wonderful boys, politically savvy, real estate agent, creative, marketer and MU Tiger.”

With a heavy sigh – and realizing one never wins a Twitter battle with a stone wall twit – the response finally went back out, in good Southern manners: “Bless your heart. It must be difficult to carry around so much hate.”

But, you see, hate has become the currency of the simple minded wading into the oil-soaked waters of politics.

Take South Carolina – please. (No, wait…sorry…twist on an old Henny Youngman joke.)

The front runner for the GOP nomination to succeed Appalachian Trail hiker Mark Sanford as governor is a woman, Nikki Haley. Because she’s a woman, she’s been accused of sleeping around by a right-wing blogger and former political hack for Sanford and, as it turns out, Haley.

But there’s more. Haley is now Christian – a Methodist, even, which some say is just barely Christian. But she was raised by her Indian parents in the Sikh faith and given the name, Nimrata Randhawa, at birth…in South Carolina.

So along comes her GOP primary opponent, a fellow state senator named Jake Knotts (no relation to Don), who loudly and flatulently proclaimed yesterday, “We already got one raghead in the White House. We don’t need another in the governor’s mansion.”

If you’re keeping track, mark another one down in the column of gross, ignorant and insipid.”

Play dat funky hillbilly politics white boy!

Posted on May 12, 2010 By

‘Murka is a funky place.

You gotta admit that. We get even funkier when we ride election cycles fast down busy streets, hit a slight bump and find ourselves suddenly and quite pointedly reminded how hard the narrow saddle of democracy can be.

It all seems so painful at that very moment but we just keep peddlin’.

Whether you know it or not, we’re knee deep in a very funky election cycle and by that I don’t mean a good Art Neville funky beat.

If you believe the national press meme, incumbents are as endangered as the Gulf of Mexico and all those it sustains.

Two incumbents have gone down in the past five days – TWO – out of 471 congressional seats up for re-election this year and, oh my heavens, we got us a landslide!!

Add on top of that all this funky talk of a U.S. Supreme Court nominee being Lebanese.

The Wall Street Journal, that even handed newspaper of insightful journalism, even ran a photograph of SCOTUS nominee Elena Kagan playing softball, which is apparently very popular in Lebanon.

Do we care if Supreme Court nominees play softball? No, we do not. We just want them to be good, decent, social-justice-lovin’, let-freedom-ring, radical left-wing jurists for a change.

– BREAKING: We interrupt this silliness to bring you the breaking news that Tampa, Florida has been selected as the site of the GOP National Convention in 2012. Do they know Tampa is home to brown, black and gay people? That is all. –

So, the second incumbent to fall in a week did so yesterday in West Virginia, which so often leads the nation in hillbilly politics.

U.S. Rep Alan Mollohan, a 14-term Democrat (sorta), lost a party primary battle to a young upstate state senator who out-GOPeed the quasi-Democrat for the victory by vilifying the incumbent as just not right-wing enough. AND THESE ARE THE DEMOCRATS!

The Republican who State Senator Mike Oliverio will meet in the November general election better be bringin’ those Neanderthal genes hot ‘n heavy to bring the cave people out in force.

Mollohan’s big crime was that he voted in favor of health care reform, this despite him carrying solid pro-life credentials.

Because he supported better health care for all Americans – and in West Virginia, dental care is a big deal – the pro-life crew aborted its long standing support. After all, one can’t claim the pro-life banner and be in favor of better health care.

They also turned against him because he supported doing something to slow climate change and Lord knows we don’t need to change the climate in West Virginia.

Not to be outdone in hillbilly politics, the gubernatorial race in Alabama has turned the clock back to the 1920s where GOP front-runner Bradley Byrne (seriously) was accused of favoring the teaching of evolution in public schools. Byrne, for his part, countered that, by God, he believed every word in the Bible to be true and dictated directly by the Supreme Being to her secretary!

This after some weeks ago when fellow GOP candidate Tim James, son of former governor Fob, made a big deal out demanding driver’s license examinations be given only in English, the God-given language of the Bible.

Maybe the national punditry has it all wrong. Maybe this is not necessarily the year of the anti-incumbent. Maybe it’s just a good year to have a shallow gene pool.

Neanderthal DNA…’splains a lot!

Posted on May 7, 2010 By

Researchers in Europe have discovered Neanderthals may have been takin’ the skin boat to tuna town with early humans.

That’s right. According to DNA research currently being conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Neanderthals had a max planck for the new and really cute humans who moved to town and before they died out spent a few steamy nights with them amid candlelight and Lady Gaga records.

This has resulted, say the researchers, in a strain of Neanderthal DNA swimming for thousands of years in the gene pool of non-African humans. As a matter of fact, the researchers suggest 1 to 4 percent of the DNA in non-Africans (Europeans) is, in fact, Neanderthal.

A poll taken by ABC news the other day suggested the teabaggers account for approximately 2 percent of the population; a curious statistical comparison.

Seriously, the Neanderthal DNA strain could actually explain quite a bit.

NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, failure to regulate financial markets or protect consumers, GOP southern strategy, Arizona immigration law, hair on the upper lip of Italian women, ultimate cage fighting, California and Florida senate races; and why the British Parliament may be hung but not well-hung.

On the other hand – the one with knuckles dragging along the hot sidewalk – this research may lead to a whole new bag of excuses for stupidity among public figures and policy makers.

Good news, senators and world’s top golfers, you no longer have to claim alcoholism or go into rehab when you get caught leafing through pages or burying your balls in the deep rough. You can simply blame it on the Neanderthal DNA!!

Johnny Cochran would have loved this defense!!

Say, for example, you hit the “b” key when you meant to hit the “m” key and suddenly stock prices plummet around the globe and people are leaping from tall buildings. You simply say, “oops…my bad…Neanderthal DNA moment!!”

Or when you find yourself repeatedly talking about how safe it is today to drill for oil immediately off beaches and salt marshes.

Or, perhaps, when you find yourself so stridently homophobic that you found an entire non-profit organization based on, he-he, rooting out people who prefer to knock boots with others of the same sex only to get caught yourself taking a little vacation with an Internet rent-a-boy. Rather than admitting to being an intensely gross hypocrite you can simply say, “Hey, I’ve admitted my inner Neanderthal.”

There is a problem with this defense, however. As far as we know, Neanderthals were not found across this great continent, the mid-breadth of which would one day become known as the U-nited States of ‘Murka.

So, to admit to Neanderthal heritage might put one at risk of being deported from the State of Arizona due to lack of native status.

I understand the Apache people will soon start demanding papers of Arizona Legislators.

You just can’t make up this stuff…

Posted on April 14, 2010 By

Boy, howdy!

These guys are a laugh a minute! Better ‘n a barrel of monkeys, these Republicans.

Just as President Obama is holding a summit – the largest gathering of world leaders since the 1940s – on the dangers of loose nukes, the loose knuckleheads over GOP HQ put out a new ad for the TeeVee Box and the Innertubes.

You gotta see this on the YouTubes .

“Many think April 15th is tax day,” said the serious announcer. “Wrong.”

“For President Obama, every day is tax day.”

“Your money isn’t safe. He knows where you keep it.”

Seriously, they put this out, expect people to believe it.

“Obama’s new health care bill contains $570 billion in new taxes.”

“Wheelchairs: taxed. Sneezing: taxed. Breathing: taxed.”

Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna take it to the streets! Grab your wheelchairs; we’re headed downtown to protest by breathing and sneezing on people!!

“And if you don’t buy healthcare, the tax man will come for you.”

“You can’t run. There is no place to hide!”

“Over next few years IRS agents will begin to multiply.”

Well, at least we haven’t taxed multiplication…not yet, anyway. But we’re not finished!

“The government wants your money and President Obama knows where to get it.”

I’m tellin’ ya, this couldn’t be funnier if it was on Saturday Night Live…or the new Palin Network.

Oh yea, and this comes as a Democrat wins the first congressional race of 2010 in Florida District 19 running against a teabagger who tried to make the race a rejection of health care reforms. Not so much in Boca.

Meanwhile, over in Rome the Pope has finally figured out how to deal with the worldwide and continuing spread of priests diddlin’ the alter boys. Blame it on the queers! Yea, that’s the ticket!!

Cardinal Tarcisco Bertone, the Vatican’s No. 2 dude, the assistant Pope (and only God knows what else) explained it all in Chile on Monday.

“There is a relation between homosexuality and pedophilia,” said the Holy Second See. “That is true. That is the problem.”

Holy Wankin’ It Under the Robes, Batman!! Problem solved!!

Gee, and the rest of the world – including most learned shrinks – thought it all had to do with years and years of sexual repression caused by the insanity of celibacy. Let me ‘splain sumpthin to you, boys. Gay people don’t need children ’cause there’s lots of other gay people around. Get used to it.

Census…NOT!

Posted on April 7, 2010 By

Hey, great! The Census form is here!

Yep, says right here: 2010 Congressional District Census. Now, I can really make my voice heard.

Question 1: Do you consider yourself a conservative Republican? A really conservative Republican? A really, really conservative Republican? A Communist?

Hmmm…odd. Okay, I’ll write in, “none of the above.”

Question 2: Do you vote in most elections? Yep.

Question 3: If you plan to vote in 2010, do you plan to vote for Republicans or for socialist Obamanistas who want to control every single aspect of your life?

Again, an odd question for the Census…but, okay…let’s see, I’ll put down, “I’ll wait and see.”

Question 4: How close are your views to those of your neighbors? Well, I can’t really see the pool from here but I probably have a better view of the woods and the homeless camp.

Question 5: From what source do you regularly receive your political news? (Check all that apply) NBC/CBS/ABC communists? Fox News, fair and balanced? Local websites? Local newspapers? Friends? Facebook? Twitter? Porn? Communist porn?

Wow, the Census is really thorough.

Question 6: Do you think the country is moving in the right direction or toward a French model of severe communism?

Hmmm…that’s a tough one. Will we get better food and a vacation the whole month of August?

Question 7: Do you think the record-setting bazillion dollar federal deficit the Obama-Chicago-Mafia-Communist-Nazi-Socialist-Kenyan-Zoroastrian-Baptist Administration is racking up for your grandchildren is going to be good or bad for the country?

Can I ask a question back? Okay, two questions…Didn’t President Bush leave office with the highest deficit ever? This is really an interesting census, this year.

Question 8: Don’t you really think it’s okay if your Republican National Committee leadership lets its collective hair down every once in a while and blows thousands of dollars at bondage sex clubs in Los Angeles? I mean, really, come on…boyz just gotta have fun? Right? What’s the harm?

Well, I’m not sure how this is going to help with redistricting and allocating federal dollars but…sure, I guess so, whatever.

Question 9: Now that Jenny McCarthy has split from Jim Carrey do you think she’ll call?

What the heck kind of Census is this?

Hey, wait a minute. Since when does the U.S. Census ask me for a credit card number and a donation of $25 to $500?

And who put Michael Steele in charge of the Census?

Can wing nuts nail 3-pointers?

Posted on April 5, 2010 By

Do you really want to take on a President who can nail left-handed 3-pointers from the corner like that?

Taking on Ohio State roundball legend and CBS analyst Clark “Special K” Kellogg in a game of HORSE-turned-POTUS, the “Big O” showed a downtown range that would make Dukies envious.

You can’t leave the guy open in the corner, that’s for sure. And teabaggers, I’m talkin’ to you, Rush, Beck & the teabaggers. Plus, he’s left handed, knows how to spell and conjugate verbs, a particular sticking point with the wing nuts.

You see, spelling and grammar are not strong suits of the teabag crowd. A quick sampling of home-made signs at teabagger rallies includes some real gems (supplied by the Seattle Weekly).

“Obama Lier in Chief.”  “Obama Commander in Theif.”

“Repeel Congress!”

“No Hussien Obama”

“I did’nt serve 22 years for socialism.”

“No Amensty.”

“Don’t take my rights. I’m still useing them.” (Dictionary, not so much.)

“No mas illegal alliens.”

Oh well, one doesn’t have to be literate to have political opinions in the good ol’ U.S. of A. One just has to have a permanent marker and some poster board.

One thing is for sure, though. The teabaggers don’t know what to do with the Republican Party and the Republican Party doesn’t know what to do with the teabaggers.

“Lot of noise,” said one unnamed senior Republican consultant to the Washington Post. “No muscle.”

The teabaggers don’t…er, do’nt…even know what to do with themselves – other than be angry.

In Florida, they’re fighting against themselves. Some dude in Orlando registered the Tea Party as a new political party. But teabaggers resist, saying they don’t want to be party. And, now, they’re all suing each other. Somebody hit the snooze button!

And finally, GOP Chairman Michael Steele told George Stephanopoulos this morning he is not stepping down, no matter that his underlings took the GOP credit card to a bondage sex club in L.A.

Says he and POTUS get narrower margins of error because they are African-American. Wait…Steele is African-American?

But, hey, the good news is we can take a break from politics, between-the-legs passes of black men and spend the rest of the week talking about the Masters…and Tiger’s putter.

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