I mean, really, it still gets cold in winter, right? So how is it that climate is changing? Okay, sure, maybe the summer of 2010 was the hottest on record in many places but so what?

And here’s the good news: nearly all the GOTea Party candidates running for the U.S. Senate believe all this talk of climate change is just a bunch of hooey. Ain’t that great?

We’re waiting for them to announce positions on the spherical nature of the globe and where they stand on the much debated question of gravity or is it simply the Earth sucks?

Many of the GOTea Party candidates seem to think the steam engine will produce a major upheaval in society! Take back America! To the freakin’ 19^th Century!

Well, okay, maybe they’re not that weak-minded. But hardly any of them want to see the obvious – the earth’s atmosphere is heating up and it’s being caused by humanity pumping up way too much carbon. Do ostriches like tea?

Here’s a sampling:

Marco Rubio, Florida, running against Democrat Kendrick Meek and independent Charlie Crist:

Rubio called Crist “a believer in man-made global warming.” “I don’t think there’s the scientific evidence to justify it,” Rubio said.

Asked whether he accepts the scientific evidence that the global climate is undergoing change, he responded, “The climate is always changing. The climate is never static. The question is whether it’s caused by man-made activity and whether it justifies economically destructive government regulation.”

You gotta love these guys who can still talk, with a straight face, about government regulations being destructive to the economy.

Then, there’s Ron Johnson in Wisconsin trying to unseat legendary Senator Russ Feingold:

“I absolutely do not believe that the science of man-caused climate change is proven,” said Johnson. “Not by any stretch of the imagination. I think it’s far more likely that it’s just sunspot activity or something just in the geologic eons of time where we have changes in the climate.”

Sun spots.

Linda McMahon in Connecticut:

“I think there’s evidence to the positive and to the contrary about global warming,” she said.

Right. Climate change doesn’t exist but professional wrestling is real.

Rand Paul, in Kentucky, threw in Osama bin Laden just for good measure:

“Now Osama bin Laden had a quote yesterday. He’s says he’s after the climate change as well. It’s a bigger issue; we need to watch ‘em. Not only because it may or may not be true, but they’re making up their facts to fit their conclusions,” said Paul…followed by the audience response: “WHAT???”

Finally, Sharon Angle running to unseat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada:

“I don’t, however, buy into the whole … man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there’s not sound science to back that up,” she said.

Oh, okay…no sound science.

As you can see, we have the opportunity for a very enlightened U.S. Senate.

Really? The big ad of the 2010 season begins with the disclaimer, “I am not a witch”?

We haven’t seen that kind of political ad since the Salem City Council elections in 1692.

It would, of course, be very easy to tell if Tea Party darling and (can’t believe I’m actually writing this) U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is, in fact, a witch.

There are ways to tell if she’s a witch.

There are? Yes. Tell us how. What do we do with witches? We burn them!! Why do we burn them? They’re made of wood! So, we build a bridge out of her? No, we can also build bridges out of stone.

What else can wood do? Float in water. So, we throw Christine O’Donnell into the pond to see if she floats? No, plenty of other things float. Ducks float.

So, we weigh her and if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s witch! Easy! And it’s the same logic Rumsfeld and Cheney used to persuade Bush to invade Iraq!

And since we’ve all become sheep, we should end all political spots with the tagline, “I am ewe.”

But, wait! That’s not all! There’s more!

There is Virginia Congressional District 1 candidate…not making this up…Krystal Ball, a Democrat.

Something told Krystal Ball to run for the Congress but someone else told a right-wing website about private photos taken during Krystal Ball’s graduation party at the University of Virginia when she was 22 years old. In the photos, now candidate Ball appears to fondle a red…um…er…mommies-best-friend attached at the time to her husband’s nose (as he played the part of Rudolph the Red Dildoed Reindeer.)

One would have thought Krystal Ball could have seen this coming; the release of the photos. But, you see, Ms. Ball was listed during her time as a congressional aide on The Hill’s annual photo essay of “The Hill’s Most Beautiful People.” So, the right-wing naturally went after her as a sex object.

But the right-wing should have gazed into the future and understood Krystal Ball is not prone to take this kind of thing.

“It’s sexist and it’s wrong, regardless of political party,” Ball said in a statement posted on her campaign’s Facebook page Wednesday. “And I have a message for any young woman who is thinking about running for office and has ever attended a costume party with her husband or done anything stupid on camera. Run for office. Fight for this country. Don’t let this sort of tactic deter you.”

Really! You tell ‘em, Krystal. I mean it’s not like dildoes are new to the Congress.

It was such a Grand Old Party for nearly 160 years. It was the party of Lincoln and led the way to the end of slavery. It was the party of Teddy Roosevelt and let the way toward economic justice and conservation of our natural resources.

Later in the 20^th Century the GOP become home to great leaders like Everett Dirksen, Howard Baker, Charles Percy and Nelson Rockefeller.

But after all that great tradition, the Grand Old Party has – apparently – ceased to exist. It is now the Tea Party and they like it like that.

According to a poll released last week by the Wall Street Journal, the staid old organ of the Republican Party, over 70 percent of those identifying themselves as Republicans say they support the Tea Party. Neither Richard Nixon nor Ronald Reagan would be welcomed in today’s Tea Party.

Of course, the GOP itself was on shaky ground to begin with. Since George W. Bush retired as the party’s standard bearer only 20 to 25 percent of Americans were willing to identify themselves as Republicans.

So, really, 70 percent of 25 percent isn’t really that many people.

But, nonetheless, the Republican Party is now officially the Tea Party! Just say NO! To whatever!!

But what happened to turn the GOP into the purely reactionary Tea Party? Did they run out all the moderates and progressives? Well, yes. But that’s not the complete answer.

The answer lies in particle physics: specifically in the theory of mirror matter…which suggests matter exists in the universe that is unseen and opposite currently detectable matter.

Back in the early 1900s Teddy Roosevelt led a progressive Republican Party.

TR knighted William Howard Taft to succeed him as president in the election of 1908 and Taft won easily. But Taft did the unthinkable and led the nation and the Republican Party back toward the corporatists and monopolies of which TR disapproved and against which TR fought.

The Republican Party, thought TR, should be more progressive and fight for the great mass of good, hard-working Americans.

But the progressive core of the GOP was way ahead of TR, rallied by the great progressive Senator Robert LaFollette of Wisconsin.

TR found himself boxed out and bolted to form what would become the Bull Moose Party. (So named because TR’s running mate, California Gov. Hiram Johnson claimed he was “as strong as a bull moose.”)

The Bull Moose Party, formally called the Progressive Party, put out a platform in 1912 called, not making this up, “A Contract with the People.”

The platform called for a national health plan, social security, worker’s compensation, relief for farmers, women’s suffrage, an inheritance tax, a federal income tax, the direct election of senators (who were still at the time elected by state legislators).

The Bull Moose Party also called for citizen initiatives and referenda, strict limits and disclosure of campaign contributions and a “trust busting” plank to end large corporate monopolies.

It took 100 years and lots of southern strategy, hate & race-baiting but the mirror matter, the exact opposite and until recently undetectable matter of the GOP has taken over and converted the bull moose particles into the mama grizzly particles.

America

The need for urgent action to repair our economy and reclaim our government for the people cannot be overstated.

Sounds like this could have been written at the end of the Bush Administration as pathetic a campaign piece for the Democrats in 2008 as it is now for the Republicans in 2010.

Just sayin’.

Question: What the primary job of a United State Senator?

1. Deliberate thoughtfully and carefully on legislation proposed to advance the health, safety & welfare of all Americans, thereby improving the quality of life for one’s constituents?
2. Cower before the screeching voices of fear and prejudice while carrying water and bags of cash for the rich and powerful minorities who own 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and systematically blocking any progress of this nation into the 21^st Century?
3. Make sure you never actually get caught with hookers and diapers or diddling a campaign staffer’s wife…or husband?

Naw, forget “3.” That was just a joke answer.

If, however, you answered, “B,” you are most likely already a United States Senator and a member of the minority Grand Old Tea Party. That’s right: minority. There are only 41 of you out of 100 and yet the spineless Democrats let you get away with blocking any measure that might accrue to the benefit of the nation.

And not only that, but you dare to go against Lady Gaga? Oh, there WILL be hell to pay for that one!

The Grand Old Tea Party in the U.S. Senate managed Tuesday to try to keep gay military personnel in the closet by refusing to vote for a repeal of the so-called Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell law. Nevermind that it’s been stuck down as unconstitutional by a federal judge in California.

Clearly the Republican Senators do not want the U.S. Military to be more fabulous. They also want to ignore the vast majority of good, decent Americans who think the whole debate over gay people in the military is ridiculous in the first place.

The Grand Old Tea Party senators – along with Arkansas Democrats Blanche Lincoln and David Pryor – prefer Don’t Ask, Don’ Tell to Live and Let Live.

Oh, and by the way, nearly 14,000 members of the U.S. Armed Forces were discharged in the past year for being gay. Some were merely happy. The good new is gay folks in Florida can now adopt children…so long as they’re not the military, I guess.

The same bunch of curmudgeons also blocked from passage the DREAM Act.

The Development, Relief and Education of Alien Minors (DREAM) Act has been languishing in Congress for years. It would allow colleges and universities to accept children who were brought by their parents to the United States without the legal documentation. The children could also serve in the military. Eventually, they would earn citizenship.

But the curmudgeon Grand Old Tea Party senators don’t want to see children get educated.

They don’t want to hear about gay people defending the country.

They especially don’t want to see Democrats trying to help move the nation along, especially this close to November elections.

And by, “aggressive secularism,” he means Anglicans and Presbyterians and, please, don’t even bring up the Methodists!

Okay, whatever. Maybe Madam Tussaud can post Thomas Cromwell’s head on the London Bridge once again. Just for old time’s sake.

Oh yea, and by, “aggressive secularism,” he means the printing press.

Back across the pond, however, Gutenberg would be shocked and awed by the speed with which we can aggressively circulate revolt, if not outright repulsion.

Fewer than five days after appearing onstage at the VMAs wearing a meat dress (complete with meat purse she asked Cher to hold), the unstoppable Lady Gaga is taking Sen. John McCain to task on the Twitter for rumors we may try to filibuster the inevitable end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

“SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is attempting to stop the DON’T ASK DON’T TELL repeal vote this tuesday, with a filibuster,” Tweeted her Gaganess, only to follow up with, “All hands on deck Lil Monsters: Key senate vote this Tues. on #DADTrepeal. We need 60 senators. Call your senator now.”

She meant, “deck.”

Sen. McCain, always the Maverick, responded with, “Who is Lady Gaga and why would anyone want to wear a dress made of meat? Don’t ask me. Don’t tell me.”

“And if the Pope is going to London does that mean King Henry finally gets his divorce?”

I’m just making all that up, of course. Sen. McCain just barely remembers the 16^th Century.

But that doesn’t mean the current GOP isn’t trying to take us back there.

Judging from the candidates the TeaParty-GOP has fielded in Nevada, Kentucky, Colorado, Florida and, now, Delaware, it is clear retro-politics has once again become fashionable among the silk-stocking cowed…er…crowed.

It’s just not good politics without a heavy dose of fear and judgment thrown in. And for God’s sake, follow the advice of the GOP’s newest poster child, Christine O’Donnell and don’t try that masturbation thing at home! Leave it to the professionals.

Fortunately for us, aggressive secularism is a hallmark of this great country. That’s why we wrote that whole Constitution thingy to say a state shouldn’t be forcing religion on anyone.

But just the same, when we are ready for a new religious leader, 17 percent of us are ready for that leader to be…drum roll, please….that’s right: Glenn Beck! (At least according to a poll published by the Public Religion Research Institute.)

It’s reassuring, I know. But religious leadership is really such a fleeting mantle. Look for those numbers to change by the end of October when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert hold their competing rallies on the Mall in Washington: the Rally to Restore Sanity and the Keep Fear Alive Rally…respectively.

Look for pigeons to fly over as a sign from God.

We survive another 9/11 weekend, albeit with few book burnings and more than a few lackluster Tea Party rallies across ‘Murka.

Kanye West brings down the house at the MTV Video Music Awards with his latest hit, “Runaway,” and homage to feminine hygiene, “A toast to the douchebags.”

All this a coincidence?

Perhaps but how can we be sure? After all, freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.

Fresh from fabulous vacations, er…fact-finding trips, and re-acquainting themselves with the good people back home, the Congress People will set their sights on tax cuts and small business stimulus…not necessarily in that order.

One big showdown will come over President Obama’s desire to end the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

But, no, Republicans will spend their week defending the helpless rich people against these Cretin Socialist Kenyan Zoroastrians who think, for some unknown reason, the rich should pay their fair share in taxes.

While portraying a talking head Sunday on the TeeVee Box, the Orange One, the GOP minority leader in the House, the Honorable John Boehner of Ohio’s most tanned congressional district, said he might even go along with extending tax cuts for poor working chumps like you and me…but…only if the rich get to keep their Bush tax cuts.

Yea, yea…I know. It’s really had to imagine anyone defending tax breaks for the extremely wealthy but that’s the bed in which Congressional Republicans find themselves lying because even though the very rich only account for 20 percent of the population they hold 85 percent of the nation’s wealth and that’s where Republicans get most of their campaign contributions.

It’s a good strategy because the rest of us have no money left to make political contributions.

The Democrats completely missed the mark with that, siding with the poor and barely-surviving working class…what’s left of it.

If the Republicans know anything they know money and where to find it and they do a dang fine job makin’ sure the castles are protected from the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

A toast to the douchebags.

“Ding Dong! The Well is dead. Which old well? The Wicked Well!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Well is dead.
Wake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Ding Dong, the Wicked Well is dead. It’s gone where the goblins go,
Below – below – below. Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Well is dead!”

Or so, they tell us.

Not that we doubt them, of course. They’ve been so accurate and truthful in the past.

And following up on the news that static clings…er…kills and mud jams have permanently killed the Deepwater Horizon Well, the guv’munt says everything’s gonna be okay.

“The government is expected to announce on Wednesday that three-quarters of the oil from the Deepwater Horizon leak has already evaporated, dispersed, been captured or otherwise eliminated — and that much of the rest is so diluted that it does not seem to pose much additional risk of harm,” reports today’s New York Times.

Even the President of the United States and the First Family will take a brief vacation to the Gulf Coast this weekend. I guess. Is that still on?

Nevermind, we can all go home now…those of us who still have homes…and jobs…and a way of life…and, okay, we still don’t know for sure how much damage this catastrophe has caused nor what permanent damage has been done to the Gulf of Mexico and its vast diversity of life.

I guess all that’s left are criminal charges and enormous fines!

But in the meantime, we can go back to hating each other.

Speaking of which, here come the Republicans, ever trying to top themselves for creating division and spawning fear and hatred just in time for elections!

We have some of Capitol Hill’s top GOPers saying maybe it’s time to revisit – or eliminate entirely – the 14^th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

You know the 14^th Amendment, of course, it’s the one which reads, “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.”

It’s also the one with the Equal Protection Clause which keeps states from enacting laws to discriminate against groups of people they don’t like. Its Due Process Clause says the Bill of Rights apply to everyone setting foot in the United States of America.

The 14^th Amendment was adopted in 1868, right after the Civil War by a Congress seeking to overturn the infamous Dred Scott Decision of the Supreme Court which held slaves – African-Americans – were not nor could ever be citizens of the land which held them in slavery.

But the ranking Republican in today’s U.S. Senate, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, said over the weekend maybe it’s time to revisit that amendment. His sentiments were echoed by John Kyl of Arizona and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at,” McConnell told The Hill newspaper.

Yes, yes indeed. And, hey senators, while you’re at it why not revisit the whole issue of slavery, too? Maybe what this country needs is another good civil war! Maybe that would excite the Republican base!

Seriously, are these people living in the same century as you and me?

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on OxyContin.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “If Obama weren’t black he’d be a tour guide in Honolulu.”

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!

In many ways, Sen. Byrd’s growth as a legislator and person embodied the growth of the American people in the 20^th Century: from narrow-minded fear to an embrace of a much broader view of the world and compassion.

Ah, yes, but if only we could drag along that boisterous minority that clings to fear as its primary motivation.

Fear of losing something they have.

Fear of not getting something they want.

Fear of others acting in ways they deem inappropriate.

Fear in the electorate is fueled by the desire of the political minority to achieve ultimate power. But those seeking power at all costs fail to understand electoral power in the good ol’ US of A can’t be realized without…um…the backing of the people. At least, not yet.

And one-dimensional historical interpretations can not tell a complete or accurate story.

Take, for example, the small minority who fear the Obama Presidency. Who knows why they really fear President Obama. Who knows if it makes any sense, politically or philosophically? It’s just fear and fear – by any measure – is irrational.

The President could hold a press conference today to announce the sky will continue to remain blue and Fox News would immediately campaign to its minions to oppose such an outlandish projection.

The GOP once found Fox News convenient and useful. Having an entire network at a political party’s disposal is very useful, indeed, and unprecedented in American politics. But it’s been quite evident for a while that rather than the GOP controlling Fox News, the Fox has been put in charge of guarding the GOP hen house.

The GOP has grown increasingly cloistered in the hollow and howling absurdities of the Fox.

Never before has such a weak and fear-driven minority been given such a disproportionately loud voice.

One of Fox News’ latest campaigns has been to demonize – yet again – the Obama Administration’s successful effort to get Gulf of Mexico destroyer BP to cough up $20 billion for an escrow fund to pay for damage.

According to a CNN poll, 85 percent of Americans support that move by the President. Only 5 percent of Americans think President Obama has been too tough on BP.

And, yet, Fox News trot scores of protagonists to defend BP against the harsh attacks by President Obama. The Fox is shoutin’ but the chickens ain’t listenin’.

Maybe rather than Fox, the network should rename itself the News That Cried Wolf.

One final note: Frances Cobb Hart would have turned 81 today. Bless her.