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Save time, fly nekked!

Posted on November 17, 2010 By

TSAbodyscans

Words weren’t even necessary.

I could see it in his eyes, the satisfied glow as the smoke from his cigarette curled around his flushed face.

“You were wonderful,” he whispered. “You can get on the plane, now.”

I gathered my clothes, slipping them on piece by piece as I headed toward the door.

But will he call me? I wondered.

Who knows? It might have lasted longer were it not for the unfortunate call, as if a voice from Heaven was intervening.

“Now boarding Flight 452 to Schenectady,” screamed the voice over our “moment.”

Oh sure, TSA scan porn is the biggest, latest fad on the InnerTubes but I don’t know what y’all are all worried about.

It’ll peter out.

TSA Director John Pistole (not making up that name) will face some hard questioning today on Capitol Hill when he goes before the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation.

People seemed genuinely concerned that U.S. Federal Marshals in Orlando, Florida may have saved close to 35,000 images of X-ray naked travelers and a few of them may have been exposed.

The controversy is bringing together everyone from the religious right to Ralph Nadar. Even Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger has weighed in on the issue – and you don’t argue with Sully when he issues a moral dictum. I mean, the man knows how to put down an inflamed cylindrical object into a soft, wet spot.

But never fear, conservatives in Congress know how to resolve the mess. U.S. Rep. Dan Mica, R-Florida, the incoming transportation committee chief in the House, says in a letter the answer is to turn over security operations at the nation’s airports to private companies.

Gee, what could go wrong?

Meanwhile, other members of Congress have bigger fish to fry.

Representative-Elect Andy Harris, R-MD, apparently got a little ticked off at orientation for new members on Tuesday when he discovered he wouldn’t get his Cadillac Congressional health insurance coverage until 28 days after he takes office in January.

Harris, you see, ran on a platform against national health care reform and universal coverage and got elected and now, by golly, he wants the coverage he wants to fight against everyone else getting!!

The 112th Congress has all the earmarks of great fun for the next two years…without the earmarks, of course.

…Old times there are not forgotten…

Posted on April 9, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has just signed a proclamation recognizing April as KKK Month in the state for lovers.

“It should help tourism,” said the governor, as he boarded a private jet bound for New Orleans and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference.  “And the sale of white sheets at the Wal-Mart.”

Immediately upon his announcement, a cannon was fired from the back porch (next to the refrigerator) of Fort Sumter, South Carolina and legislatures across the south said, “hell no, we ain’t gonna have no stinkin’ health care in THIS state, by damn, ain’t gonna be no slaves to the fed’rul guv’munt.”

Actually, the move kinda stalled in Florida where, oops, one relatively astute committee chairman realized a proposed amendment to the Florida Constitution prohibiting the federal exercise of health care reform would probably be…well, unconstitutional.

Legislators said the state constitution is probably not the place to tell the federal government what to do and someone sent a message to Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell reminding him that didn’t work out so well when they tried it nearly 150 years ago.

“We’ll find other ways to keep people from getting adequate health care in Florida,” said one legislator.

Meanwhile, over in Nawlins, the leaders of the Southern Republicans are gathering to hear, most likely, more of their heroes talk of how bad things are in ‘Murka with a socialist president and how good things were when Bush was president and Hurricane Katrina slammed into Nawlins in 2005.

Sarah Palin will be there and may, yet again, speak of how President Obama’s scaled back nuclear aggression policy is like a kid on the playground who says, “punch me in the face and I’m not going to retaliate – go ahead and do what you want to with me.”

Flying back from Prague, where he just signed a new START Treaty with Russian, President Obama suggested to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos he’s probably not going to take advice on nuclear policy from Palin.

“Sarah Palin’s not much of an expert on nuclear issues,” said the President.

But the Southern Republicans should have a good time, nonetheless, and it’s a fine week to remember the Confederacy and all it entailed while calling President Obama the most radical president of all time, as did Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich only yesterday. Gee, I thought that title belonged to Lincoln.

They can even get their shoes shined and, maybe…just maybe…some of the local folks will sing ‘em a song or two…just to show how happy they are!

But back in Washington, 5-term Democratic Ohio Congressman Bart Stupak is expected to announce his retirement today.

You’ll remember Congressman Stupak, of course, who made sure the reproductive health of women was a casualty of the health care reform debate.

Stupak is as Stupak does.

Maybe while they’re in Louisiana, the Southern Republicans can persuade the porn star running there for the U.S. Senate to move to Ohio.

Sure, makes sense: better health care leads to violence!

Posted on March 26, 2010 By

It’s a good thing we’re finally gonna see the nation’s health care system reformed.

There’s a whole lotta folks out there gonna need some serious medical attention, soon, if this national political discourse gets any more violent! Is mental health care covered in the reforms?

Holy Crap! What’re you people thinkin’? Death threats, spittin’ at members of Congress, callin’ ‘em horrible names, throwin’ money at Parkinson’s patients…and that’s just in my family!

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they put me under the jail and throw away the key.”

“Not the golfers, you idiot. The gofers!”  (Slaps Carl with Tam O’Shanter.)

“Oh…we can do that. We don’t even need a license.”

Even the centered, staid NPR felt like it had to devote nearly an hour Thursday to the violent rhetoric and threats peeling across the political marketplace.

And then, of course, comes along the Faux New Channel – whistling and rolling eyes – saying it’s a “bad atmosphere” and wondering where all this comes from?

Gee, can’t figure it out.

The good news is Glenn Beck has is all figured out: It’s the radical bomb-throwing hippies of the 1960s, the people now in charge of the fedrul gov’munt; they are the ones poking and prodding the teabaggers into atrocious threats of violence.

All we need, says Beck, is the finger of God.

Glad we have Sarah Palin who’s promised to – seriously – “target” members of Congress who voted in favor of healthcare reform.

“Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: Don’t Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!” Palin shouted on the Twittermachine.

And on her Facebook page, Palin displayed a map of her targeted congressional members, with gun sights to locate their districts.

“Well aim for these races and many others,” she writes. “This is just the first salvo in a fight to elect people across the nation who will bring common sense to Washington.”

Yep, the common sense of targeting and aiming and salvos…peaceful talk.

Nope, just can’t imagine where all these poor teabagger folks are getting the notion to be angry and violent.

Peace to you.

GOP keeps fightin’ for poor health…but good tans!

Posted on March 24, 2010 By

It’s all becoming clear, now, why Republicans fought so hard to keep Americans from getting better health care.

Hidden among the many provisions of the new communist manifesto – better know as health care reform – is a 10 percent tax on tanning salons! It’s an outrage!

No wonder House Majority Leader John Boehner was livid…and vivid! He should be. The average person pays $15 to $20 per 10-minute session to lay nekkid on a bed of fluorescent lights and get zapped like a doughnut. With this 10 percent tax, they’ll have to pay an additional $1.50 to $2.00.

Lord only knows how much more this will cost Boehner! Is there no end to this socialist-fascist-communist-Kenyan-rastafarian-zoroastrian-baptist takeover of our tanning rights???

What’s next? Are they gonna charge us more for liquor and cigarettes and Twinkies?

Oh…wait…the bill was all about ‘Murkins getting healthier. Nevermind.

Not to worry. Approximately 13 of the nation’s state attorneys general have it all under control.

Led by Florida’s AG – who also happens to be a GOP candidate for governor of the Fluorescent Light Tanning Bed State – the generals are using taxpayer dollars to file suit against the tanning bed surcharge bill saying it’s downright unconstitutional and against Jesus.

Using an argument for individual rights and states’ rights (yep, the same argument used to justify slavery), Florida AG Bill McCollum-Gollum said the fed’rul guv’munt can’t force him to get treated by a doctor if he don’t damn well want to!

“The healthcare reform legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives…clearly violates the U.S. Constitution and infringes on each states’ sovereignty,” said. McCollum-Gollum.

Legal experts around the country were quick to point out, after convulsing in laughter, the AGs’ lawsuit has about as much chance at succeeding as a snowball on a tanning bed. But, they pointed out, it does have a strong chance of wasting lots of state taxpayers’ money.

Sure, the Republicans lost big-time on health care reform and are looking pretty bad and grouchy right now. But don’t think for a minute they’re giving up their effort to keep ‘Murkins from getting better health care. Oh, hell no!

The U.S. Senate contingent of the Grouchy Old Party will be dancing all over procedural rules in the next few hours, trying to delay the inevitable passage of the so-called “fix” bill, which shockingly requires only a majority to pass.

Led by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, a doctor fighting against better health care, Republicans will offer up a series of amendments to force Democrats to go on record and vote down things like prohibiting Viagra prescriptions for sex offenders. (Seriously.)

Maybe they’ll bring in Mitt Romney as a guest speaker so he can argue against what he pushed through as governor of Massachusetts. That would be rich.

But, hey, at least ‘Murkins of all stripes are coming around on the notion of better health care.  A USAToday/Gallup poll out this morning says 49 percent of ‘Murkins think the health care reform bill is a good thing with only 40 percent saying it’s bad. (The remaining 11 percent were in the Emergency Room awaiting primary care and could not be reached.)

And, finally…yep, you betcha. Vice-President Joe Biden was right!

Healthcare days are here again…or, maybe, will begin!

Posted on March 22, 2010 By

Okay, so let’s take a quick look out the window…no, the sky is not falling.

Let’s stand still for just a moment…yes, the earth appears to be still spinning on its axis.

Let’s check the wires…nope, no reports of hordes of mongrel and socialist orcs washing over the Canadian border or from any of the other major industrialized nations with national health care strategies (like all of them).

Is Rush Limbaugh packing his bags for Costa Rica? He’s gonna like it there. Costa Rica has an even better national health care plan than any other nation in the Western Hemisphere!

Ummmm, let me get this straight: the U.S. House of Representatives finally adopted last night a major overhaul of the U.S. health care profit industry and…what? The world is still here? The nation is still standing?

And, what’s that you say? There’s a significant possibility 32 million more Americans than now will have a chance at affordable, decent health care?

As the kids would say…O…M…G!

Does this mean Republicans, who for some unexplained reason really don’t want Americans to have better health care, are going to give up the fight? Oh, hell no!

Before the sun was even up on this new dawn in ‘Murka, attorneys general in eight states (controlled by Republicans) were already talking about filing suit against the health care reform.

“Where in the (U.S.) Constitution does it say that Congress can require somebody to buy health insurance?” asked the South Carolina attorney general.

Ha…Ha…Ha! It doesn’t, of course, but neither does it say African-Americans and women can vote and it certainly doesn’t say a U.S President can invade another country just ‘cause he wants to.

Oh well, this will all just be part of the fun and games over the next few days and weeks and months as the winger nuts, teabaggers and assorted other cretins go nuckin’ futs and heads exploding all over right-wing radio and the Faux News Network.

“A date which will live in infirmary,” reports the Sludge Report. Clever, one must admit.

“Tonight the Democrats voted to put people in jail who have no insurance, raise the costs of health care, destroy the federal government’s bond rating, keep unemployment high and kill forever the mythological creature known as the pro-life Democrat,” reported RedState.com, amid much war-like and violent talk.

Again, pretty dang hilarious. And, oh yea, one big lie.

Okay, so here’s the real deal: If approved by the Senate on Tuesday and signed by the President, the bill will immediately:

  • Prohibit insurance companies from denying children with pre-existing conditions.
  • Provide immediate coverage for pre-existing conditions through a temporary high-risk pool.
  • Prohibit companies from dropping people who get sick.
  • Lower prescription prices for seniors by eliminating the so-called “doughnut hole” in Medicaid drug coverage.
  • Offer tax credits to small businesses that provide coverage for employees.
  • Eliminate lifetime limits and restrictive annual limits on benefits.
  • Require insurance companies to cover children on parents’ plans until the kids are as old as 26 if they can’t get plans of their own.
  • Require new plans to cover preventive services and immunizations.
  • Ensure consumers have access to effective appeals o denials.
  • Require insurance companies to rebate enrollees for excessively high administrative costs.

It’s going to cost $938 billion over 10 years but reduce the federal deficit by $143 billion.

Not bad for nearly 100 years of work.

Trickle up economics…

Posted on March 19, 2010 By

“Stop Socialism,” read the bumper sticker on the old, beat-up Buick turning into the Goodwill store, next to the Dollar General.

Ah…shopping for necessities in post-grandeur ‘Murka. But, by golly, we’ll stop that socialism thing.

We don’t need health care. Twinkies are on sale at the Bargain Hut. Look, as long as I can keep the guv’munt outa my processed-flour pancakes, I’m good.

Let us eat cake!

The good news is the number of millionaires in ‘Murka rose by 16 percent from 2008 to 2009, so this redistribute-what-wealth-remains thing is workin’ out pretty well.

Oh sure, the number of millionaires slumped 27 percent in 2008 but, thankfully, they came back in 2009.

According to a study by the Spectrum Group, there are now 7.8 million households with a net worth over $1 million; up from only 6.7 million millionaire households in 2008.

The number of folks worth more than $5 million rose 17 percent in 2009, according to the study. There are almost 1 million fortunate folks like that now.

How can that be, you ask? Aren’t we in the worst economic times since the Great Depression? Aren’t 14 million fellow ‘Murkins out of work with no good job prospects? Yep. That trickle-down economics thing oughta kick in just about any day, now!

Oh…and those rich-n-getting-richer folks ain’t the ones drivin’ around beat up ol’ Buicks adorned with “Stop Socialism” bumper stickers.

Nope. They like this wealth distribution system just fine. It’s called, “trickle up.”

Its little wonder, really, the brain-dead-and-washed crowd is fightin’ so hard to keep decent, affordable health care outa their own hands. The rich folks are tellin’ ‘em to fight it ‘cause the rich folks know the poor folks might have a fightin’ chance at a reasonably comfortable life if they can get adequate health care.

The Catholic Church doesn’t want folks to have decent, affordable health care. The U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops launched full-page newspaper ads against health reform because they believe – erroneously – more women might get abortions…even though such a decision is none of the bishops’ damn business.

The whole right-wing is goin’ nuts, pullin’ out all the stops to keep decent, affordable health care out of the hands of the common folks.

At least one right wing senator, Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, has threatened members of the House with the ol’, “you’ll never work in this bidness, again!” line.

Can caning be far behind? Will the rich retreat to their guarded castles and send out cake?

Should be a fun weekend…fortunately, most of us will be watching basketball and not paying attention to Washington.

“You know I can be found, sittin’ home all alone…”

Posted on March 17, 2010 By

What’s that? Oh sure…NOW you’re ready to pass a health care reform package!

It’s not like we haven’t been waiting for nearly 100 years! What, you think we’re that easy? We’ll just come around and take you back, now that we’ve waiting this long?

You’ve been seriously teasing us for over a year. Sure, we’ve heard the sweet talk: “It will provide insurance to those who don’t. And it will lower the cost of health care for our families, our businesses, and our government”

You think we’re just going to come crawling back now that you’re ready to actually DO IT?

Yea?…well, we will…’cause if we don’t maybe as many as 17 million more Americans will be uninsured by 2019.

But we still don’t understand why it wasn’t as simple as extending Medicare to the entire population. We don’t know why you had to make it so complicated. All you lawmakers, you’re all the same.

Sure, that would be too simple and beneficial, not only for all Americans but for the government itself.

Oh, no! You have to play hard-to-get, letting lobbyists crawl all over you with their sweet smellin’ ways and pockets of cash; flaunting all that high-livin’ right in front of our faces.

But, sure…we’ll come crawlin’ back and accept your health care reform proposal…because it’s all we have!

Not everyone, of course. The 25 percent of ‘Murkins always angry about something are havin’ a screamin’ hissy fit that health care reform – such as it is – will soon be law.

The right-wing media is screaming hysterically and folks in polyester pedal-pushers and checkered shirts are standing outside the Capitol cheering the likes of Congressman Louis Gomer…or Gohmert…or something, who held up a stack of papers (presumably the health care bil)l and said, “I don’t want to make you sick but I brought an abortion to show you, today!”

Nice. Helpful.

And, so, the GOP-right-wing is livid about Democrats in control of the Congress – overwhelmingly elected to that majority by American voters – may use parliamentary procedures once used against them by the GOP-right-wing to finally adopt health care reform.

Things like simple majority votes and votes by acclamation really has the GOP-right-wingers screaming to high heavens about improper use of…er…well…majority rule. (History note: Republicans, in the majority in Congress’s 104 to 108 used acclamation or “deeming” over 200 times…just sayin’.)

So, maybe we’ll have health care reform- such as it is –  by the end of the week and we can all sit back and listen as Republicans explain to ‘Murka how they really don’t think it’s right for Americans to have decent, affordable health care.

Right Wing Cartoons abound…

Posted on March 10, 2010 By

Memo to Right-Wing Nut Jobs: you really need to calm down a little.

Seriously, we all appreciate good debate on issues of great concern. But, really, guys & gals of the knuckle-dragging variety, you really need to install mirrors. You’re starting to look and sound…well…let’s face it…like cartoons; like parodies of yourselves.

You’re really starting to look Homer-ish. DOH!

Take, for example, these Homers who now think the good ol’ US of A is so bad they want nothing to do with it. Where once folks of this ilk might proclaim, “America: love it or leave it,” they’re now willing to simply leave it.

A whole bunch of Homers up in Indiana have declared themselves no longer a part of the U.S. and, instead, claim they are something called, “sovereign citizens” of…of…of…themselves, I guess.

They’ve printed up their own ID cards, declared their homes to be embassies and will refuse to pay taxes.

“It gives me diplomatic immunity,” said Hoosier Homer Donald Moore. “The way I understand it, the federal government is incorporated, and all the states are incorporated. This takes me out of the corporation.”

Alrighty, then!

Picking up on that sentiment is good ol’ Douche Limpbranch, long a cartoon on the radio, who now says he will leave the country and move to Costa Rica if we adopt reform of our nation’s health care system.

First of all…hey Douche, don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Second – and, Douche, you’re gonna really like this – Costa Rica has the very best nationalized health care system in Latin America and is ranked among the top three in the world. Heck, you don’t even need a prescription for Viagra in Costa Rica!

This might tie in nicely with Sarah Palin’s recent admission her family took advantage of the national health care program of Canada when she was growing up in Skagway, Alaska. Maybe she’ll now quit railing against health care reform in the U.S…probably not.

Speaking of media clowns, there’s always the cartoonish Gin Beck’sBeer.

With advertisers running from his show like rats on a burning ship, he’s happy to get revenue from folks like the “small, fiercely independent farmers” who will sell you “survival seeds” as a hedge against the impending…meltdown…something…dunno know, exactly.

While the farmers may be small, short maybe, their visions of Mad Max time are grand and you can help them prepare for it by sending them lots of cash in return for survival seeds.

There is the U.S. Senate race in Florida where Gov. Charlie Crist accused his teabagger-buddy opponent, Marco! Polo! Rubio!, of spending $130 in state GOP party money on a haircut or a back wax or something.

Rubio (Marco!) denies this, through a spokesman: “Marco paid $20 for a haircut with a razor on the neck, and he bought some items that went into a silent auction, including gift certificates. Charlie Crist’s obsession with making up things about other people’s grooming habits is bizarre for anyone, especially the sitting governor of Florida. It’s also a shame he cares more about what’s in Marco’s personal bills than what’s in the stimulus bill he supported.”

Finally, we have the right-wing rebirth of the Holy Roman Empire in Florida, Ave Maria University, which now wants its female staffers to wear only skirts and dresses, no pants (and, we presume, tops of some type). We like to see leg at Ave Maria!

Cartoons…and it ain’t even Saturday morning.

Bunning yanked from mound for wild pitch…

Posted on March 3, 2010 By

Okay, so here’s the deal: Democrats in Congress will let Charlie Rangel remain chair of the House Ways & Means Committee if he will agree to take Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning out behind the Capitol and kick his ass.

Not really. That would be unseemly. Caning is the preferred method of corporal punishment in the Congress.

But the before the day is out, Rangel will be but a humble House member – sorta – and Jim Bunning will still be a Senator with a Hall of Fame ego and…oh yea…crazier ‘n bat guano.

Who can forget the 1964 season in which Bunning pitched a perfect game for the Philadelphia Phillies and led the Phils into what looked like a lock for the World Series – only to then lead the Phillies into one of the most famous September pennant-race collapses in Major League history?

Bunning, as a pitcher, was famous for shaking off signs from catchers and throwing whatever pitch he damn well wanted.

Hmmm…things haven’t changed much.

As we all know by now, Bunning finally accepted a sign from the catcher (GOP Senate leader and fellow Kentuckian Mitch McConnell) and ended his temper tantrum which was holding up unemployment checks and money for federal highway projects and was, in turn, forcing the furlough of thousands of highway construction workers….which means hundreds of thousands of struggling people have to struggle a bit longer.  Everybody say, “Thanks, Sen. Bunning!”

The joke going around the Magic Twitter Machine on Tuesday was: “Jim Bunning says, I abject!”

Meanwhile, President Obama will release yet another health care proposal which will include Republican ideas – some tort reform and health savings accounts – and Republicans will still say, just like Bunning…NO!!…and we’ll end up with an even more watered-down health care reform measure.

But never mind all that, Texas Gov. Rick Perry now faces a critical decision: run for president of the teabaggers or run for president of the Republic of Texas.

Perry whipped Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a former TeeVee news reporter and unabashed Bush sycophant for the Texas Republican gubernatorial nomination. If elected in the general in November, Perry will serve a third term and become the longest-serving Texas governor in history.

He also defeated in the primary the teabaggers’ choice for governor, somebody named Debra Medina, and he will need the teabaggers’ support if he’s going to take Texas out of the Union or run for president of it.

Oh yea, and if he’s going to win a third term as Texas governor he will need to defeat the very popular former mayor of Houston, Democrat Bill White.

And finally, in case you missed it, the Associated Press is reporting leaks from a book by Bush Svengali Karl Rove in which Rove admits the war in Iraq damaged the Bush Administration’s credibility.

Um..yea…credibility…and badly damaged nearly beyond redemption two entire nations, not to mention the stability of the entire world!!

The Summit on Health Care Reform Arguments

Posted on February 24, 2010 By

Oh Boy! It’s almost here! Can’t wait!

The Legend-Before-Its-Time Summit on Health-Care-Reform-Arguing will take up six hours of time Thursday on the TeeVee Box.

The Winter Olympics will be suspended. Wall Street will shut down. Trains and airlines will grind to a halt. And Republicans will put cotton in their ears, stomp their feet and act like petulant children being dragged to the principal’s office.

Okay. None of that is true – except the last part.

The White House, in preparing for the summit to be broadcast live from Blair House, spent the better part of the past week arguing with Republicans over the size and shape of chairs, the size and shape of tables, the color of lamp shades and drapes and which incense to burn during scheduled guided meditations.

A grateful nation heaved a sigh of relief earlier today when the Republican congressional delegation finally agreed to a square, hollow table – because it suits them.

According to Politico, that thoughtful online apologist for big business, the Democrats unstated goal of the health care summit is “to make congressional Republicans look like a bunch of whiny, cynical, ideologically bankrupt crybabies who don’t have a plan of their own.”

Ha-ha-ha, congressional Republicans are doing a pretty darn good job of that all by themselves.

But don’t be fooled. Despite holding overwhelming majorities in both the Senate and the House, Democrats can’t quite seem to adopt measures to reform the nation’s health care system.

So, given study released in late 2009 by the Harvard Medical School which suggested 45,000 Americans are dying each year because of our flawed for-profit health care system we can expect 30.8 people to die during the six-hour health care summit…and another 30.8 will die each six hours the Congress fails to adopt needed reforms.

We don’t mean to say Congress isn’t doing ANYTHING.

The Senate actually managed to adopt key measures toward a jobs bill…and five Republicans voted with the Democrats!

But Downtown Scotty Brown, the newly-elected nekkid truck driver who is now sitting in Ted Kennedy’s seat, found out just how mean his teabagger buds can be.

The angry malcontents spanked Brown’s nekkid truck drivin’ butt loud and hard on the Facebook thingy and Magic Twitter Machine after he voted with the Democrats on the jobs bill.

“LYING LOW LIFE SCUM HYPOCRITE,” was, I believe, a representative post.

“BROWN, YOU JUST REMEMBER DOUCHEBAG…WE ARE WATCHING YOU!!!!,” was, I believe, another. Both in all caps.

Ha! Fun, ain’t it, Scotty? That’s a really nice crowd you hang with. This will also probably mean less interest in his daughters.

Canada: “This Means War!” or…health care reform.

Posted on February 22, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: USA defeats Canada, 5-3, in Olympic hockey on Canadian soil!

Canada said to be amassing troops at the border…somewhere along the border…if we can find them…to invade in retaliation!

Okay, not really. But this does not bode well for US-Canadian relations. Making matters worse is the fact the USA is leading in the Canadian Olympics medal count.

How can this happen under an Obama Administration? That’s exactly what Republicans will be asking this week as they gather – reluctantly – under the klieg lights for another Obama Rodeo in which he will, no doubt, rope and hog-tie Congressional Republicans under the guise of getting agreement on health care reform.

Now, he has added incentive: holding off the Canadian invasion threat by trying to make our health care system look more like their health care system. The president will today announce a cap on health insurance premium increases – some of which have topped 31 percent lately – in an effort to appease the unruly and clearly agitated Canadians.

Republicans will be put in a tough spot. They will either have to go along or be blamed for not appeasing the Canadians and acquiescing to the looming invasion.

This is nasty business.

There is good news for Republicans, however. Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the CPAC straw poll over the weekend. Paul, the Libertarian, captured nearly one-third of the votes cast by the nearly one-third of CPAC attendees who bothered to cast a straw poll ballot at all.

This means Paul, who waged an independent run for the presidency in 2008, beat out the ever-lovely and vapid Mitt Romney for CPAC prom king, an embarrassing turn of events for Romney and Massachusetts because “the Mittens” has won the last three CPAC straw polls.

Unfortunately for him, he could not this year get support from even 25 percent of the nearly 30 percent who bothered to vote. Let’s see…25 percent of 30 percent is…divide by three…carry the one…um…not very many people.

And for the record, Sarah Palin only got 7 percent of the vote while Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who spoke at the confab, garnered 6 percent of the vote…of the one-third who bothered to vote.

Oh well, the CPAC crowd is always much bigger on bombast and idle threats than on actual participatory democracy so votes and voting – not so much.

Meanwhile, some actually-elected Republicans are having a tough time ‘splainin’ why they so readily accepted money from President Obama’s initial stimulus plan when they railed so loudly against it.

According to the Wall Street Journal, more than a dozen Republican lawmakers supported requests for stimulus money while, at the same time, calling the $787 billion Obama program the worst thing since processed cheese.

Republican Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama, who called the stimulus, “the socialist way,” asked for $15 million in socialist cheese for his state’s cogongrass eradication program.

Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, who called the stimulus a “wasteful spending spree”, asked for enough socialist cheese to create 1,000 new jobs…perhaps in the Wisconsin cheese industry.

Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn explained in a Tweet from his magic Twitter machine there is no hypocrisy in this at all: “No contradiction to vote against reckless stimulus but if majority hell-bent to spend the money anyway, make sure Texas gets fair share.”

The SOTU we WISH we would hear…

Posted on January 27, 2010 By

The State of Union Address we WISH we would hear tonight:

“Madam Speaker, Vice-President Biden, Members of Congress, Distinguished Guests, fellow citizens:

“My name is Barack Hussein Obama and I am President of the United States. Get over it!

“And let me say, first, if any y’all want to holler back at me during this speech, you go right ahead…show your ass because I’ll come down there and loft it from beyond the three-point arc and leave your butt hangin’ in the net. Got that?

“I’ve been in office just over a year and I’ve tried to be a nice guy; tried to work with Republicans and Democrats alike; tried to listen to your concerns and tried to incorporate some of your ideas…as bad and pitiful as they are…into the very serious issues and problems facing our nation.

“Y’all don’t seem to care about that. You just want to grand stand and pontificate, obfuscate and obstruct.

“You’ve done your best to turn the Audacity of Hope into the Audacity of Nope and I’ve had it with you nattering negative nabob nincompoops.

“To our GOP members…and I use that term pointedly…you sat around and gave George Bush and Dick Cheney everything they wanted for 8 years and look where it got us: the worst shape this country has been in since the 1930s. Y’all need to sit down and shut up if you’re not going to be constructive.

“To members of my own party, looky here, do the math. We’re in charge of this Congress folks. We have majorities in both houses! Act like it, for God’s sake!

“The people of this great land voted us in because they wanted change. Grow a pair and give them the change they want.

“First thing: pass healthcare reform, dammit! I mean, really, what are y’all waiting for? Over 70 percent of the American people want this change give it to ‘em!

“If you don’t pass healthcare reform next week, I will sign an executive order expanding Medicare to everyone in the United States! How do you like THAT? We will simply give everyone health care and you morons can work yourselves all up into a froth trying to figure out how to undo it. That’ll look good as you’re campaigning for re-election.

“Second, pass a jobs bill…get people working again. Rebuild this country, its infrastructure, its power grid; build a new Internet infrastructure that will bring genuine 3-G broadband to everyone.

“Third, take down these arrogant and greedy bankers on Wall Street. Regulate them to within an inch of their financial futures. Bring back Glass-Steagall. If you don’t I will and leave you to defend them and their practices.

“How do like THAT, GOP? Want to go into the 2010 elections saying you like greedy Wall Street bankers and that big bad Obama wants to hurt them? Go ahead; let me know how that works out for you.

“Fourth, pass climate change laws that will immediately reduce our carbon output. I can’t help it if everyone at Copenhagen woosed out on saving the planet. We are the world’s biggest contributor to CO2 over the years and we need to cut it out and, then, we’ll make the Chinese and Indians cut it out.

“In short, I expect you, members of Congress, to be bold, be brave, act like leaders and lead; help the American people for once in your lives!

“This is not about politics. This is about digging our nation out of a terrible hole and if you’ll grow a spine we can do this.

“Yes we can!”