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The value of 19 percent of the voters…

Posted on September 20, 2010 By

ValueVotersSummit

Alrighty, then! Here’s a great vision for ‘Murka:

The fundamentalist, backwoods Christians coming together with the Islamophobiacs coming together with the Tea Party curmudgeons to form a coalition promoting fear and hate of just about every dang thing we can imagine.

What fun!

The Values Voters Summit came together again in Washington this past weekend and, boy howdy, were they glad to see Tea Partiers come in to embrace their paranoia because they’d been losing steam recently given the fact that a person of color has occupied The White House for nearly two years and the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.

And so it was on this particular Sunday President Obama decided to go to church to prove, once and for all, how Muslim he really is. And it was a Kenyan Socialist church to boot!

But the good news over at the Values Voters club was despite all the chasms between the fundamentalist Christians, the Islamophobes and the tax haters they could unite behind their chosen leader for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination: Mike Pence!

Yes! Mike Pence! We’re on the road now!

Wait…wait…wait…who?

You know…Mike Pence: the four-term Republican congressman from, not making this up, Rushville, Indiana. Sure, he’s a household name.

He got 24 percent of the Value votes in the straw poll for President, outpacing last year’s winner, Mike “Huckleberry” Huckabee, who only managed 22 percent of the vote.

Mitt Romney was third with 13 percent and Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich garnered 10 percent of the Fundamentalist-TeaParty-Islamophobe vote.

Poor Sarah Palin only received 7 percent of the vote.

She probably needs to align herself more with the star of the weekend self-love fest, Delaware Republican Senatorial Nominee Christine O’Donnell, speaking of Eye-of-the-Newt sort of things… “Those fingers in my hair; that sly come-hither stare; that strips my conscience bare…”

“Bureaucrats and politicians in Washington think they should decide what kind of lightbulb we should use, what kind of toilet we flush, what kind of car we should drive,” said the GOP senatorial nominee and high school dabbler in witchcraft.

“They even want unelected panels of bureaucrats to decide who gets what lifesaving treatment. They’ll let your teenage daughter buy an abortion but they won’t let her buy a sugary soda in a school’s vending machine.”

That’s the kind of talk that makes sense…not reality…but sense to the Armageddon crowd.

And all this effort for the support of only 19 percent of ‘Murkan voters? Well, yea, but what else do they have to occupy their time?

And, finally, the U.S. Guv’munt declared yesterday the Deepwater Horizon oil well in the Gulf of Mexico is officially, “dead.”

The Gulf of Mexico, while not officially dead still ain’t feelin’ so well.

Utah renames itself State of Confusion

Posted on May 10, 2010 By

In a stunning reversal, zigging when everyone thought he would zag, President Obama today nominated the forcibly retired Sen. Bob Bennett, noted leftist from Utah, to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Naw…just kidding.

The SCOTUS nod goes to current U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan, noted socialist and prostitute according to right-wing extremists who also say they don’t like her haircut, a little too short for their liking.

The political scene is really bonking for lack of adequate nutrition.

Here’s the good news about Kagan: no one, but no one, doubts her brilliance and precision as a thinker and writer, analyzer of exquisite detail and thoughtful narrative. The Senate’s already voted to confirm her as solicitor general.

Okay, okay…but will she vote to overturn Roe v. Wade…that’s what’s important to the extremists.

Answer: Oh, hell no! Now, y’all go on about the bidness of eating your own and leave the Supreme Court to the grown ups.

But they won’t. They’ll try anything they can think of to try to destroy Kagan, all reasons having nothing to do with her potential as a supreme court justice.

They’ve already called her a prostitute. How much lower can they sink?

Writing in the National Review, no less, some hack named Ed Whelan questioned Kagan’s principles with the famous G.B. Shaw quote, “We’ve already established what you are, ma’am. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”

After being roundly criticized, the Whelan character backtracked a bit to explain everyone uses this quote – you know, to call people whores.

And speaking of solid principles and loyalty, the extremists ate one of their own heroes over the weekend.

The good people of the Utah GOPeeparty, meeting in convention, ousted three-term U.S. Senator Bob Bennett because he isn’t pure enough. It’s rumored he actually knows and has spoken with African Americans, Latin Americans and, perhaps, women!

You see, the Utah GOPers get together in a convention to decide which Republican Utah will elect to national offices such as the U.S. Senate. This year’s back room deal turned into a teabagger convention and out went Sen. Bennett.

The reason? Just not conservative enough. Heck, he voted in favor of President Bush bail-out of big banks and talked to Democrats about health care reform.

In the addled brains of teabaggers this simply will not do. I mean this guy was the employer of Howard Hunt when he and G. Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate to bug the Democrats…and he’s no longer conservative enough for the baggers. Whew!!

Hmmm…Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Newt Gingrich all like him. They are so out of step with the baggers.

And finally, from the “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry” file, it seems farm animals are not safe in Florida.

Despite repeated attempts, the Florida Legislature failed to outlaw animal diddlin’ in the Sunshine State; an issue sure to raise its ugly head in the race for the U.S. Senate.

Why bother with nuclear weapons when we got demagoguery!!

Posted on April 12, 2010 By

Okay, sure, the President of the United States has assembled in Washington today the largest gathering of world leaders since FDR and, sure, they’re gonna talk about the dangers to the world of nuclear weapons, while also interviewing candidates for the U.S. Supreme Court.

But enough of the small stuff. The really important stuff happened in New Orleans over the weekend when the southern confederate Republican leadership wallowed in self-pity and self-hate to warn us of the dangers of this president who don’t look like all the other presidents.

Just like Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour explained, all the hub-bub over Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell proclaiming April as Confederate Heritage Month? Well, that don’t amount to diddly…and not Bo Diddley, neither, unless he wants to sing us a song and wail on that little box guitar!

No siree, bob…we got real problems in this country and they all start with smart, insightful people regaining control of the fedrul guv’munt and, well, we just can’t have that. They might do something – already have – to help us progress toward a better world when what we really want is to roll back the clock 150 years and fight the slavery war all over again!

You see, in addition to protectin’ their only source of power – ig’nurt hillbillies who are easily persuaded to vote against their own interests – bombast and demagoguery are the only talent they got. Sure ain’t governin’. (See history: 2000-2008.)

Where, oh where is Andrew Jackson when we really need him? What? Drunk and mean again? Great, bring ‘im on!

It’s hard to explain, though, how a Yankee like Mittens Romney won the straw poll at the southern confederate Republican leadership gathering. But be something about a shiny object that glimmers in the lights. Sheen is good.

“Don’t retreat. Reload!” shouted shiny object Sarah Palin, while quickly explaining she doesn’t mean by that we should not resort to violence. By, “reload,” she means putting more ammunition into guns.

She also reportedly distributed reindeer jerk on which the mob could chew while she talked.

“Don’t tell me you’re a Republican and then go spend all the money,” said Texas Gov. Rick Perry. (Again, see history: 2000-2008)

Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich warned the crowd Obama and the Democrats are a secular, socialist machine. “Two plus two equals four,” Gingrich said, which is just about all the math the crowd could handle.

Oh well, it appears bombast alone won’t save the nation so it will be up to the “snake oil-based, global warming, Gore-gate crowd,” as Palin up it, to save ‘Murka and the world – from itself.

But, oh blessed Jesus, they can always rely on the superior wit of folks like alleged comedian Victorian Jackson who told a separate (but equal) teabagger rally over the weekend, “it doesn’t matter if (Obama) has a birth certificate or not, he’s not an American.”

Sweet.

GOP keeps fightin’ for poor health…but good tans!

Posted on March 24, 2010 By

It’s all becoming clear, now, why Republicans fought so hard to keep Americans from getting better health care.

Hidden among the many provisions of the new communist manifesto – better know as health care reform – is a 10 percent tax on tanning salons! It’s an outrage!

No wonder House Majority Leader John Boehner was livid…and vivid! He should be. The average person pays $15 to $20 per 10-minute session to lay nekkid on a bed of fluorescent lights and get zapped like a doughnut. With this 10 percent tax, they’ll have to pay an additional $1.50 to $2.00.

Lord only knows how much more this will cost Boehner! Is there no end to this socialist-fascist-communist-Kenyan-rastafarian-zoroastrian-baptist takeover of our tanning rights???

What’s next? Are they gonna charge us more for liquor and cigarettes and Twinkies?

Oh…wait…the bill was all about ‘Murkins getting healthier. Nevermind.

Not to worry. Approximately 13 of the nation’s state attorneys general have it all under control.

Led by Florida’s AG – who also happens to be a GOP candidate for governor of the Fluorescent Light Tanning Bed State – the generals are using taxpayer dollars to file suit against the tanning bed surcharge bill saying it’s downright unconstitutional and against Jesus.

Using an argument for individual rights and states’ rights (yep, the same argument used to justify slavery), Florida AG Bill McCollum-Gollum said the fed’rul guv’munt can’t force him to get treated by a doctor if he don’t damn well want to!

“The healthcare reform legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives…clearly violates the U.S. Constitution and infringes on each states’ sovereignty,” said. McCollum-Gollum.

Legal experts around the country were quick to point out, after convulsing in laughter, the AGs’ lawsuit has about as much chance at succeeding as a snowball on a tanning bed. But, they pointed out, it does have a strong chance of wasting lots of state taxpayers’ money.

Sure, the Republicans lost big-time on health care reform and are looking pretty bad and grouchy right now. But don’t think for a minute they’re giving up their effort to keep ‘Murkins from getting better health care. Oh, hell no!

The U.S. Senate contingent of the Grouchy Old Party will be dancing all over procedural rules in the next few hours, trying to delay the inevitable passage of the so-called “fix” bill, which shockingly requires only a majority to pass.

Led by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, a doctor fighting against better health care, Republicans will offer up a series of amendments to force Democrats to go on record and vote down things like prohibiting Viagra prescriptions for sex offenders. (Seriously.)

Maybe they’ll bring in Mitt Romney as a guest speaker so he can argue against what he pushed through as governor of Massachusetts. That would be rich.

But, hey, at least ‘Murkins of all stripes are coming around on the notion of better health care.  A USAToday/Gallup poll out this morning says 49 percent of ‘Murkins think the health care reform bill is a good thing with only 40 percent saying it’s bad. (The remaining 11 percent were in the Emergency Room awaiting primary care and could not be reached.)

And, finally…yep, you betcha. Vice-President Joe Biden was right!

Canada: “This Means War!” or…health care reform.

Posted on February 22, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: USA defeats Canada, 5-3, in Olympic hockey on Canadian soil!

Canada said to be amassing troops at the border…somewhere along the border…if we can find them…to invade in retaliation!

Okay, not really. But this does not bode well for US-Canadian relations. Making matters worse is the fact the USA is leading in the Canadian Olympics medal count.

How can this happen under an Obama Administration? That’s exactly what Republicans will be asking this week as they gather – reluctantly – under the klieg lights for another Obama Rodeo in which he will, no doubt, rope and hog-tie Congressional Republicans under the guise of getting agreement on health care reform.

Now, he has added incentive: holding off the Canadian invasion threat by trying to make our health care system look more like their health care system. The president will today announce a cap on health insurance premium increases – some of which have topped 31 percent lately – in an effort to appease the unruly and clearly agitated Canadians.

Republicans will be put in a tough spot. They will either have to go along or be blamed for not appeasing the Canadians and acquiescing to the looming invasion.

This is nasty business.

There is good news for Republicans, however. Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the CPAC straw poll over the weekend. Paul, the Libertarian, captured nearly one-third of the votes cast by the nearly one-third of CPAC attendees who bothered to cast a straw poll ballot at all.

This means Paul, who waged an independent run for the presidency in 2008, beat out the ever-lovely and vapid Mitt Romney for CPAC prom king, an embarrassing turn of events for Romney and Massachusetts because “the Mittens” has won the last three CPAC straw polls.

Unfortunately for him, he could not this year get support from even 25 percent of the nearly 30 percent who bothered to vote. Let’s see…25 percent of 30 percent is…divide by three…carry the one…um…not very many people.

And for the record, Sarah Palin only got 7 percent of the vote while Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who spoke at the confab, garnered 6 percent of the vote…of the one-third who bothered to vote.

Oh well, the CPAC crowd is always much bigger on bombast and idle threats than on actual participatory democracy so votes and voting – not so much.

Meanwhile, some actually-elected Republicans are having a tough time ‘splainin’ why they so readily accepted money from President Obama’s initial stimulus plan when they railed so loudly against it.

According to the Wall Street Journal, more than a dozen Republican lawmakers supported requests for stimulus money while, at the same time, calling the $787 billion Obama program the worst thing since processed cheese.

Republican Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama, who called the stimulus, “the socialist way,” asked for $15 million in socialist cheese for his state’s cogongrass eradication program.

Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, who called the stimulus a “wasteful spending spree”, asked for enough socialist cheese to create 1,000 new jobs…perhaps in the Wisconsin cheese industry.

Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn explained in a Tweet from his magic Twitter machine there is no hypocrisy in this at all: “No contradiction to vote against reckless stimulus but if majority hell-bent to spend the money anyway, make sure Texas gets fair share.”

CPAC: pep rally for the discontent!

Posted on February 19, 2010 By

“Politics hates a vacuum,” once wrote Naomi Klein. “If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.”

So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what’s left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

The man perhaps most responsible for leaving this great nation in its current great mess made a surprise appearance. The former vice-president suddenly emerged from the darkness to the chants of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!”

Okay, not really. They chanted, “Cheney, Cheney, Cheney!” But we know what they meant.

“2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause,” Dick said. “And I think Barack Obama is a one term president.”

The next presidential election won’t take place until 2012…but no matter. 2010 will still be a great year.

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint told the crowd he’d rather see a U.S. Senate more like himself.

“I’d rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who believe in the principles of freedom than 60 who don’t believe in anything,” he said.

Right. Because no one there now “believes in freedom.” Oh, heck no! Few Americans actually believe in freedom. Nope, we’re all about enslavement in this country, by golly!

Over at the hip and “kewl” version of CPAC, which is called XPAC for Extremely Pricky Asswipes Converging, crazy Baldwin Brother, Stephen, referred to the President of the United States as – not kidding – “homey.” (You see, the President happens to be African-American.)

“Homey made his bed,” said the Baldwin Brother. “Now, he has got to lay in it.”

Technically, President Obama is trying to pull us out of the deathbed made for us by the Bush Administration. (See “Cheney,” above.)

“CPAC is like our Woodstock,” said one young twerp. “Except unlike the left’s gathering, our women are beautiful…we speak in complete sentences and our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine…which is certainly one thing that separates us from Barack Obama…

“…actually, on the cocaine front,” continued the young twerp. “I do believe many young people in America viewed Barack as a new drug. It was something to experiment with. But the hangover afterward left them thinking, ‘what the hell did I just do?’”

And there is no truth to the rumor that Mitt “the Mittens” Romney got into a fight with LMFAO’s Sky Blu. That happened on an airplane.

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama skipped the CPAC klavern to visit President Obama, which prompted the Chinese to retaliate by sending snowboarders to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Later, in Nevada, the president was seen in a corner with Sen. Harry Reid, a pitchfork pinned against the senator’s chest, telling of his round of golf with the Buddhist leader.

The President: “So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long.

“So we finish the 18th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’

And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

“So I got that goin’ for me.”