The fundamentalist, backwoods Christians coming together with the Islamophobiacs coming together with the Tea Party curmudgeons to form a coalition promoting fear and hate of just about every dang thing we can imagine.

What fun!

The Values Voters Summit came together again in Washington this past weekend and, boy howdy, were they glad to see Tea Partiers come in to embrace their paranoia because they’d been losing steam recently given the fact that a person of color has occupied The White House for nearly two years and the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.

And so it was on this particular Sunday President Obama decided to go to church to prove, once and for all, how Muslim he really is. And it was a Kenyan Socialist church to boot!

But the good news over at the Values Voters club was despite all the chasms between the fundamentalist Christians, the Islamophobes and the tax haters they could unite behind their chosen leader for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination: Mike Pence!

Yes! Mike Pence! We’re on the road now!

Wait…wait…wait…who?

You know…Mike Pence: the four-term Republican congressman from, not making this up, Rushville, Indiana. Sure, he’s a household name.

He got 24 percent of the Value votes in the straw poll for President, outpacing last year’s winner, Mike “Huckleberry” Huckabee, who only managed 22 percent of the vote.

Mitt Romney was third with 13 percent and Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich garnered 10 percent of the Fundamentalist-TeaParty-Islamophobe vote.

Poor Sarah Palin only received 7 percent of the vote.

She probably needs to align herself more with the star of the weekend self-love fest, Delaware Republican Senatorial Nominee Christine O’Donnell, speaking of Eye-of-the-Newt sort of things… “Those fingers in my hair; that sly come-hither stare; that strips my conscience bare…”

“Bureaucrats and politicians in Washington think they should decide what kind of lightbulb we should use, what kind of toilet we flush, what kind of car we should drive,” said the GOP senatorial nominee and high school dabbler in witchcraft.

“They even want unelected panels of bureaucrats to decide who gets what lifesaving treatment. They’ll let your teenage daughter buy an abortion but they won’t let her buy a sugary soda in a school’s vending machine.”

That’s the kind of talk that makes sense…not reality…but sense to the Armageddon crowd.

And all this effort for the support of only 19 percent of ‘Murkan voters? Well, yea, but what else do they have to occupy their time?

And, finally, the U.S. Guv’munt declared yesterday the Deepwater Horizon oil well in the Gulf of Mexico is officially, “dead.”

The Gulf of Mexico, while not officially dead still ain’t feelin’ so well.

Those crazy liberals, wanting to subvert the laws of the nation and the constitution to keep off private property the practice of religion!

The framers of the constitution made it clear: no law shall be made respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free expression thereof.

But these liberals: Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the rest, want to liberally construe that fundamental right to exclude Muslims from it. Probably Methodists, too, if they thought they could!

They liberally apply hate to persuade the rest of us of their point of view.

Clearly, they are constitutional obstructionists who care little about the literal interpretation of the nation’s original founding framework.

Many of them also, apparently, want to go back to the days of the liberal George Bush Administration.

You remember the liberal Bush Administration, of course. How can we forget? It’s indelibly etched on our check books.

George Bush took a $46 billion budget surplus from the Clinton Administration in 2000 and liberally spent it to once again turn ours into a debtor nation.

Bush took the nation’s budget deficit to $2.2 trillion in just his first three years while liberally increasing federal spending by 22 percent. By the end of his term the budget deficit remain around $1.85 trillion.

George Bush liberally took us to war – twice, against two entire nations – all the while insisting we weren’t fighting Islam but, rather, a small pocket of insane criminals and political ideologues.

George Bush liberally ran up the national debt in doing so.

And if that wasn’t enough, George Bush liberally changed the nation’s tax code to give the wealthiest 1 percent of us a very liberal break on their taxes.

Plenty of people want to continue those liberal policies, especially the liberally benefitted wealthy 1 percent who know hold all the power…and 80 percent of all the money.

With the liberal tax cuts in place, Bush and the liberal Republican Congress went about setting the greatest spending spree in U.S. history, culminating of course in the very liberal and generous $700 billion bailout of a number of financial firms suddenly disintegrating.

The firms disintegrated because of a stark and liberal relaxation of the financial industry’s regulation.

But unhappy with the conservative approach to governance by the Obama Administration, these liberals want to return to the days of free spending, tax cuts for the rich, war and liberally applied doses of religious intolerance and xenophobia.

Newt, Rush, Sarah: we don’t need your liberal ways anymore!

A President of the United States can stand up, defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and you people, so torn by fear and paranoia, go berserk with angry rhetoric and condemnation.

What? The President defending the Constitution? Why, that’s…that’s…just downright un-American!

“And a baby cries…in the ghetto…” Oh Elvis, why’d you have leave us (maybe)?

Seriously, can you people hear what you’re saying?

On defending the right in the United States to worship as one pleases, Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich said the President is “pandering to radical Islam.”

Sarah Palin refudiated the President’s defense of the Constitution by acknowledging Muslims, like everyone else, have a right to worship anywhere they please in the U.S. of A. But “should they?,” she asks.

Peter King, a Republican congressman from New York, suggested President Obama is rubbing salt in the wound of 9/ll by pointing out the Constitution defends the right to worship as we are lead to worship.

In case you’ve been under a rock since Friday or catching oil soaked shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico, the President of the United States, speaking to a gathering of Muslims celebrating the beginning of the holy month of Ramadan with a White House dinner, pointed out what every American first grader knows:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The President’s defense of basic rights just didn’t sit well with basic right-winters; hate-mongers dedicated to dividing us against ourselves at every turn. No siree Bob. We can’t have a country where all are welcomed! That just won’t do and, besides, they don’t have a clear enough message to drive people to the voting booth unless they scare the bejeebers out of us with fear and paranoia.

So, okay, let’s a few points straight:

Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.

1. Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.
2. Right-Wing Muslim radicals and extremists are not alone in their violent rhetoric and actions. Christian and Jewish extremists and radicals can match them word for word and, mostly, act for act.
3. If we have any chance at all of overcoming this kind of violent action by religious heretics and dangerous thugs, we have to stand strong for the ideals which establish the very core of this great social experiment we call America. It doesn’t matter if our own radicals don’t like it very much, everyone is welcome to worship as they please.

And besides, all three great Abrahamic faiths – Jewish, Muslim & Christian – require us to acknowledge and treat as brothers and sisters those of the other faiths.

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and the rest of the radical paranoids have a right in America to say whatever they wish about others…but should they?

Naw…just kidding.

The SCOTUS nod goes to current U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan, noted socialist and prostitute according to right-wing extremists who also say they don’t like her haircut, a little too short for their liking.

The political scene is really bonking for lack of adequate nutrition.

Here’s the good news about Kagan: no one, but no one, doubts her brilliance and precision as a thinker and writer, analyzer of exquisite detail and thoughtful narrative. The Senate’s already voted to confirm her as solicitor general.

Okay, okay…but will she vote to overturn Roe v. Wade…that’s what’s important to the extremists.

Answer: Oh, hell no! Now, y’all go on about the bidness of eating your own and leave the Supreme Court to the grown ups.

But they won’t. They’ll try anything they can think of to try to destroy Kagan, all reasons having nothing to do with her potential as a supreme court justice.

They’ve already called her a prostitute. How much lower can they sink?

Writing in the National Review, no less, some hack named Ed Whelan questioned Kagan’s principles with the famous G.B. Shaw quote, “We’ve already established what you are, ma’am. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”

After being roundly criticized, the Whelan character backtracked a bit to explain everyone uses this quote – you know, to call people whores.

And speaking of solid principles and loyalty, the extremists ate one of their own heroes over the weekend.

The good people of the Utah GOPeeparty, meeting in convention, ousted three-term U.S. Senator Bob Bennett because he isn’t pure enough. It’s rumored he actually knows and has spoken with African Americans, Latin Americans and, perhaps, women!

You see, the Utah GOPers get together in a convention to decide which Republican Utah will elect to national offices such as the U.S. Senate. This year’s back room deal turned into a teabagger convention and out went Sen. Bennett.

The reason? Just not conservative enough. Heck, he voted in favor of President Bush bail-out of big banks and talked to Democrats about health care reform.

In the addled brains of teabaggers this simply will not do. I mean this guy was the employer of Howard Hunt when he and G. Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate to bug the Democrats…and he’s no longer conservative enough for the baggers. Whew!!

Hmmm…Mitt Romney, Karl Rove and Newt Gingrich all like him. They are so out of step with the baggers.

And finally, from the “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry” file, it seems farm animals are not safe in Florida.

Despite repeated attempts, the Florida Legislature failed to outlaw animal diddlin’ in the Sunshine State; an issue sure to raise its ugly head in the race for the U.S. Senate.

But enough of the small stuff. The really important stuff happened in New Orleans over the weekend when the southern confederate Republican leadership wallowed in self-pity and self-hate to warn us of the dangers of this president who don’t look like all the other presidents.

Just like Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour explained, all the hub-bub over Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell proclaiming April as Confederate Heritage Month? Well, that don’t amount to diddly…and not Bo Diddley, neither, unless he wants to sing us a song and wail on that little box guitar!

No siree, bob…we got real problems in this country and they all start with smart, insightful people regaining control of the fedrul guv’munt and, well, we just can’t have that. They might do something – already have – to help us progress toward a better world when what we really want is to roll back the clock 150 years and fight the slavery war all over again!

You see, in addition to protectin’ their only source of power – ig’nurt hillbillies who are easily persuaded to vote against their own interests – bombast and demagoguery are the only talent they got. Sure ain’t governin’. (See history: 2000-2008.)

Where, oh where is Andrew Jackson when we really need him? What? Drunk and mean again? Great, bring ‘im on!

It’s hard to explain, though, how a Yankee like Mittens Romney won the straw poll at the southern confederate Republican leadership gathering. But be something about a shiny object that glimmers in the lights. Sheen is good.

“Don’t retreat. Reload!” shouted shiny object Sarah Palin, while quickly explaining she doesn’t mean by that we should not resort to violence. By, “reload,” she means putting more ammunition into guns.

She also reportedly distributed reindeer jerk on which the mob could chew while she talked.

“Don’t tell me you’re a Republican and then go spend all the money,” said Texas Gov. Rick Perry. (Again, see history: 2000-2008)

Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich warned the crowd Obama and the Democrats are a secular, socialist machine. “Two plus two equals four,” Gingrich said, which is just about all the math the crowd could handle.

Oh well, it appears bombast alone won’t save the nation so it will be up to the “snake oil-based, global warming, Gore-gate crowd,” as Palin up it, to save ‘Murka and the world – from itself.

But, oh blessed Jesus, they can always rely on the superior wit of folks like alleged comedian Victorian Jackson who told a separate (but equal) teabagger rally over the weekend, “it doesn’t matter if (Obama) has a birth certificate or not, he’s not an American.”

Sweet.

“It should help tourism,” said the governor, as he boarded a private jet bound for New Orleans and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference.  “And the sale of white sheets at the Wal-Mart.”

Immediately upon his announcement, a cannon was fired from the back porch (next to the refrigerator) of Fort Sumter, South Carolina and legislatures across the south said, “hell no, we ain’t gonna have no stinkin’ health care in THIS state, by damn, ain’t gonna be no slaves to the fed’rul guv’munt.”

Actually, the move kinda stalled in Florida where, oops, one relatively astute committee chairman realized a proposed amendment to the Florida Constitution prohibiting the federal exercise of health care reform would probably be…well, unconstitutional.

Legislators said the state constitution is probably not the place to tell the federal government what to do and someone sent a message to Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell reminding him that didn’t work out so well when they tried it nearly 150 years ago.

“We’ll find other ways to keep people from getting adequate health care in Florida,” said one legislator.

Meanwhile, over in Nawlins, the leaders of the Southern Republicans are gathering to hear, most likely, more of their heroes talk of how bad things are in ‘Murka with a socialist president and how good things were when Bush was president and Hurricane Katrina slammed into Nawlins in 2005.

Sarah Palin will be there and may, yet again, speak of how President Obama’s scaled back nuclear aggression policy is like a kid on the playground who says, “punch me in the face and I’m not going to retaliate – go ahead and do what you want to with me.”

Flying back from Prague, where he just signed a new START Treaty with Russian, President Obama suggested to ABC’s George Stephanopoulos he’s probably not going to take advice on nuclear policy from Palin.

“Sarah Palin’s not much of an expert on nuclear issues,” said the President.

But the Southern Republicans should have a good time, nonetheless, and it’s a fine week to remember the Confederacy and all it entailed while calling President Obama the most radical president of all time, as did Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich only yesterday. Gee, I thought that title belonged to Lincoln.

They can even get their shoes shined and, maybe…just maybe…some of the local folks will sing ‘em a song or two…just to show how happy they are!

But back in Washington, 5-term Democratic Ohio Congressman Bart Stupak is expected to announce his retirement today.

You’ll remember Congressman Stupak, of course, who made sure the reproductive health of women was a casualty of the health care reform debate.

Stupak is as Stupak does.

Maybe while they’re in Louisiana, the Southern Republicans can persuade the porn star running there for the U.S. Senate to move to Ohio.

At least that’s what school children in Texas will soon learn if the Texas School Board gets its way in a circle-jerk editing session for social studies textbooks.

And, why not? After all, this is Texas…reality left a long time ago (Hello? George Bush? Rick Perry?)

New Texas tourism campaign slogan: “Whooo-wee Texas! We make Florida, Alabama & Mississippi look SANE!”

Seriously, in its boldest move yet to install fascism here in ‘Murka, the American Taliban  is right now pursuing the Texas Textbook Chainsaw Massacre to force innocent little school children to learn made up crap thereby ensuring they will grow up to be as messed-up as their parents.

So-called Christian Conservatives – the American Taliban – somehow gained control of the state board of education in the Republic of Texas and last week edited social studies and history textbooks they deemed, “too librul.”

Out: Thomas Jefferson as a man of the Enlightenment. In: Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin & William Blackstone. (It’s actually a wonder these knuckle-draggers even know who the latter group is.)

Out: separation of church & state. In: Newt Gingrich and the Contract with America.

“I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state,” said one of the right-wing Republicans. (Note to delusional school board member: please check Amendment Numero Uno…”Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;”)

Out: the non-violence of the civil rights movement led by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In: their scary perceived violence of the Black Panther Party.

And just plan out is any mention that Tejanos died at the Alamo.

“We’re adding balance,” said another Taliban member. “History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.”

Out: “capitalism” as an economic system. In: “free enterprise.”

“Let’s face it, capitalism does have a negative connotation,” said another school board member. “You know, ‘capitalist pig!” (Really, did not make up that quote.)

All this leaves us with a number of questions to ponder: Can these people dress themselves? Will Texas students learn about sociopaths from books or real-life examples? What’s the next step in this sordid chain of events? Banning all music except that of Ted Nugent? WTF?

It’s just that kind of messed up day. The New York Times can’t even report on the winter storm, apparently, because none of its reporters can get out of the building. The Old Grey Lady sent out a tweet earlier today – desperately seeking  help to report the story..

“Send us your stories,” read the tweet. “We’re trapped and we’re cannibalizing the once proud craft of journalism!”

(Okay…made up that last part…kinda.)

Don’t know why everybody wants to make fun of Sarah Palin’s hand job for the teabaggers last weekend. She was just trying to give them want they want.

Even the comic genius that is White House press spokesman Robert Gibbs stroked the meme by revealing to the White House press corps a short grocery list written on his palm. Ha-ha-ha…yea, that was a good one. Maybe when he’s done at the White House his brothers, Barry and Robin, will take him back and they can go on the road again…”stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…”

Elsewhere in the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama was rolling out her campaign to end the epidemic of childhood obesity in a generation.

And when we say, “rolling out”… we don’t mean the kids who are…wait for it…so fat…wait for it…that when they sit around the house, the really sit around the house!

Okay, okay…sorry. This really is a serious problem for the US of A…mostly in the A and mid-section of kids who, studies suggest, consume an average – AVERAGE – of 145 pounds of high fructose corn syrup each year, mostly from soft drinks, fruity drinks, so-called sports drinks and processed foods.

The First Lady’s, “Let’s Move,” campaign is not a signal to Republicans the Obamas are ready for a new address come 2012 but rather a call to put down the Twinkies, get off the freakin’ couch and play some hoops…for heaven’s sake!

And speaking of Republicans, that fun-loving and clever bunch over at the Republican National Committee is doing its part to spread the VD love by offering Valentine’s Day e-cards for your friends or sex partners, even same-sex partners or all three!

You can send cards bearing the likeness of Rahm Emmanuel saying, “Happy [expletive] Valentine’s Day.” Or an ACORN spokesman saying, “We’d like to help you set up a tax free romance business.”

Oh, those witty RNC staffers…a barrel of monkeys are those guys! They missed a real opportunity, though, to send out Valentine’s Day cards from the likes of Gov. Mark Sanford, Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, Rep. Mark Foley…or, even, Newt Gingrich or Justice Clarence Thomas.

Finally, our dreams have been answered! Google has given us YET ANOTHER social network through which we can totally waste what little time we have left from wasting our time on all the other social networks!

Google Buzz will offer diversions straight from your Gmail and keep you updated on what your friends are doing and posting on all their social networking sites. Great! SQUIRREL!!