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We’re really the Dumbass Party

Posted on October 29, 2010 By

crazy2

In times like these, I like to quote the esteemed philosopher, Jimmy Buffett:

“If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.”

Seems the best way to sum up Election 2010 while also adding: Dumbasses.

Really? Have we sunk so low? Have we degenerated so much as a participatory democracy that we can have candidates for the United States Senate don’t understand the First Amendment or Church-State separation; who go on the TeeVee Box to deny being a witch (okay, same candidate).

It’s hard to believe we have candidates for the United States Senate who have thugs set to arrest reporters or stomp the heads of opponents’ supporters.

It’s hard to believe we have candidates for the United States Senate who believe some communities are governed by Sharia Law. (No, no…that’s Shari’s Law and only in the community where Lambchop is mayor.)

It’s hard to believe we have candidates for the United States Senate who think is okey-dokey for supporters to bring guns to rallies.

It’s hard to believe we have a candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives who likes to spend his free time dressing up like a Nazi and prancing around, or, actually goose-stepping.

But it’s our fault, really. We let it happen. We’re apparently too stupid to keep these morons out of races for elected office. We keep voting for them in primaries.

Yea, and not only that. A Bloomberg poll released this morning suggests that by a 2 to 1 margin likely voters in Tuesday’s election think taxes have gone up, the economy continues to sour and money given to banks to keep them from collapsing altogether and sending the nation into a full depression has been lost forever.

In fact, President Obama’s stimulus package cut taxes for middle class Americans. The economy has actually grown (meaning, slow recovery) over the past four quarters (by 2 percent in the summer quarter) and the Wall Street TARP bailout is going to earn billions in profits for the federal government.

Voters’ belief: higher taxes, failing economy, wasted money on bank bailouts.

Truth: lower taxes, growing economy, profit from TARP.

We’re dumbasses. Gee, wonder what role the Faux News Network had to play in any of that perception? Hmmm.

Election Season 2010 will go down as one of the most pathetic in history…until Election Season 2012.

PolitiFact, the Pulitzer Prize winning heroic effort of the St. Pete Times to separate fact from fiction in political campaigning gives the 2010 Election Season an overall rating of, “barely true.”

I give it an overall rating of “barely believe it’s actually happening like this.”

Senate candidates & climate: What? Me worry?

Posted on October 18, 2010 By

ClimateDeniers

Whew! Glad THAT’S over…now that summer is gone, heat is giving way to the cool of fall and the cold of winter, we can stop again all this crazy talk about the Earth heating up.

I mean, really, it still gets cold in winter, right? So how is it that climate is changing? Okay, sure, maybe the summer of 2010 was the hottest on record in many places but so what?

And here’s the good news: nearly all the GOTea Party candidates running for the U.S. Senate believe all this talk of climate change is just a bunch of hooey. Ain’t that great?

We’re waiting for them to announce positions on the spherical nature of the globe and where they stand on the much debated question of gravity or is it simply the Earth sucks?

Many of the GOTea Party candidates seem to think the steam engine will produce a major upheaval in society! Take back America! To the freakin’ 19th Century!

Well, okay, maybe they’re not that weak-minded. But hardly any of them want to see the obvious – the earth’s atmosphere is heating up and it’s being caused by humanity pumping up way too much carbon. Do ostriches like tea?

Here’s a sampling:

Marco Rubio, Florida, running against Democrat Kendrick Meek and independent Charlie Crist:

Rubio called Crist “a believer in man-made global warming.” “I don’t think there’s the scientific evidence to justify it,” Rubio said.

Asked whether he accepts the scientific evidence that the global climate is undergoing change, he responded, “The climate is always changing. The climate is never static. The question is whether it’s caused by man-made activity and whether it justifies economically destructive government regulation.”

You gotta love these guys who can still talk, with a straight face, about government regulations being destructive to the economy.

Then, there’s Ron Johnson in Wisconsin trying to unseat legendary Senator Russ Feingold:

“I absolutely do not believe that the science of man-caused climate change is proven,” said Johnson. “Not by any stretch of the imagination. I think it’s far more likely that it’s just sunspot activity or something just in the geologic eons of time where we have changes in the climate.”

Sun spots.

Linda McMahon in Connecticut:

“I think there’s evidence to the positive and to the contrary about global warming,” she said.

Right. Climate change doesn’t exist but professional wrestling is real.

Rand Paul, in Kentucky, threw in Osama bin Laden just for good measure:

“Now Osama bin Laden had a quote yesterday. He’s says he’s after the climate change as well. It’s a bigger issue; we need to watch ‘em. Not only because it may or may not be true, but they’re making up their facts to fit their conclusions,” said Paul…followed by the audience response: “WHAT???”

Finally, Sharon Angle running to unseat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada:

“I don’t, however, buy into the whole … man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there’s not sound science to back that up,” she said.

Oh, okay…no sound science.

As you can see, we have the opportunity for a very enlightened U.S. Senate.

Aqua Buddha and the Three Musketeers!

Posted on August 11, 2010 By

AquaBuddha

While the right-wing crazies wait with baited breath to see if President Obama will at some point during this month of Ramadan even glance toward the east, we have a much bigger problem.

It seems there is a conspiracy among Baptists, led by Kentucky’s GOP nominee for the U.S. Senate, to worship a mysterious deity known to followers as the Aqua Buddha.

Oh sure, Rand Paul denies it now – while also claiming now to be a Presbyterian – but many years ago while a student at Baylor University and a member of the university-tormenting NoZe Brotherhood Paul allegedly tried to lead a female swim team member to the river to be baptized in weed and the Aqua Buddha. At least according to GQ Magazine.

“I will categorically deny that I ever kidnapped anyone or forced anybody to use drugs,” Paul said on the Faux News Channel.

Ah, yes, but you see here is where it went wrong. If he’d only attended Southern Methodist University he would have seen the light and realized the true path to Aqua Buddha enlightenment is pot brownies and beer.

At least we can thank him for launching Max & Davina with Sirius Isness and a world wide movement of trance floor fillers, the spearhead of the global trance explosion.

Somehow, I blame Sarah Palin.

And for Sharron Angle and Ken Buck, as well. These three, clearly stable human beings may just combine with Florida’s Medicaid-reimbursements-gone-wild potential GOP goober-natorial nominee Rick Scott could end up being the d’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos & Aramis of the 2010 political scene. (“tous pour un, un pour tous!”)

Only, with luck, no one gets beheaded.

Sharron Angle is the Nevada GOP nominee and Tea Party favorite to unseat U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and only a month ago her quest seemed a sure thing. But then she opened her mouth.

Out came such things, paraphrased here, as “hey, let’s kill Social Security,” and “maybe violent revolution is the way to reform this country.”

Then there’s Colorado GOP Senate nominee Ken Buck, who will face incumbent Democrat Mike Bennett who won his party’s nomination yesterday with the full support of President Obama.

Buck, who made it clear during the primary campaign he does not wear high heels and is not, therefore, a woman like his primary opponent also suggested his Tea Party compatriots who believe the President to have been born in Kenya just might be, as he so delicately put it, “dumbasses.”  This endeared him to his base.

And, finally, we have Florida’s Rick Scott. A multi-millionaire and former CEO of the embattled Columbia-HCA hospital chain, Scott is spending $34 million of his own cheese to become governor of Florida because he sees how well current Gov. Charlie Crist has made out in that office.

Angry that GOP primary opponent Bill McCollum, Florida’s current attorney general and long-time political veteran, would question his company’s…er…”problem” with allegations of Medicare fraud found himself served him with a subpoena yesterday at the beginning of a hastily arranged press conference.

Scott was going to denounce McCollum for investigating the $1.7 billion Medicare fraud fine paid by HCA-Columbia a decade ago.

“This is a clear abuse of power. This is exactly what thugs do in third-world countries to keep power,” Scott said. “Bill McCollum is the Tonya Harding of Florida politics.”

Said the Tallahassee lawyer who served the subpoena, ““I’m doing God’s work. I’m not doing this for any campaign. This guy Scott is the corporate spawn of Satan.”

It seems everyone could use a little Aqua Buddha right about now. Or, maybe, Ramadan. Or, just maybe, the Transfiguration.

Stupid is as stupid votes…

Posted on May 24, 2010 By

Rand Paul says he would’ve voted against making Woolworth’s open lunch counters to black folks and thinks the government goes too far by requiring ramps near stairs for wheelchairs.

Sarah Palin thinks asking a politician about such matters is gotcha-journalism like, you know, when she was asked, “what newspapers do you read?” (Remember answer? “All of ‘em.”)

The Gulf of Mexico continues filling up with oil and chemicals.

Let’s hope this week is better…or, at least, a little less stupid.

That’s right, I said it: stupid. Just plain stupid; meaning: dumb, dim, think, dense, slow, dull, brainless, obtuse, foolish, silly, daft.

Perhaps Palin is simply pissed because someone finally knocked her off the cover of Dumb Politicians Monthly magazine. Oops, sorry, but it’s time to move on to the next season of “American Idiot Idol.”

Richard “yea, sure, I served in Vietnam…with my wife, Morgan Fairchild” Blumenthal can give ‘em a run for their money.

Yea, that’s the ticket.

It’s one thing to be really mush-brained but think you have all the answers and put them out there in public for all the world to see and hear.

But it’s a whole other level of dumbass to go out there in public and defend dumbass, blame it one someone else or – especially – the media.

But let’s be honest, we’ve no shortage of publicly expressed dumbassiness. Remember these?

“Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.” – FEMA Director Michael Brown on his heckuva job in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”  - Dan Quayle.

“We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term.” – Bush White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Know hat? Maybe, for once, I agree with what Douche Limpbranch said on his dumbass radio show back in February:

“Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”

Oh, and did I mention the best guess estimate is over 35 million gallons of oil is now in the Gulf of Mexico…AND COUNTING!

Dumbass.


Pundits, poll dancing and pole…dancing!

Posted on May 19, 2010 By

So, Sestak made a spectre outa Specter.

In Arkansas, Halter made Lincoln blanch.

A teabagger who’s kinda not really a teabagger kicked GOP ass for the Senate in Kentucky but didn’t even get as many votes as did the Democratic loser.

And John Murtha’s ghost and former staffer, Mark Critz, takes his seat in Pennsylvania thereby proving no one knows what they’re talking about – ever – when it comes to election predictions.

That about sum it up for May 18 primary election day in the US of A?

To be sure, everyone’s claiming victory and, well, isn’t that what primary elections are all about? All the pundits are saying they’re right about this being the year of the anti-incumbent. The GOP is claiming victory, even though it’s a pyrrhic victory at best. The Democrats don’t know WHAT to think…

…mostly because Specter made fools of them all and their golden boy in Connecticut turns out to be a big fat liar…just like Republicans.

With the exception of the Sestak and Halter performances, it was overall a pretty dang embarrassing day. Seriously, is this the best we can do?

Here’s a novel idea: Hey, politicians and office seekers! Why don’t you try being honest and authentic??? Hmmm??

Just a thought.

There is some good news for Washington, however. The nation’s capital is absolutely guaranteed to get some fresh young talent: the Washington Wizards, the semi-professional NBA team, gets first pick of the top college players come draft day.

And speaking of fresh young talent, it’s a pretty safe bet that’s not who took down U.S. Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana. I mean, really. The question must be raised: “who the hell would want to see that guy naked? Seriously.

Meanwhile, oil continues filling up the Gulf of Mexico. “Jane! How do you stop this crazy machine?!!”

We really don’t know, exactly, how much oil is gushing from the underwater oil volcano. I guess, maybe, we’ll figure it out when the Gulf gets topped off…or the Florida Keys are lost forever.

There is good news, though. The U.S. Coast Guard now says the tar balls found along the Key West shoreline over the weekend are definitely not from the northern Gulf oil spill. Not the same kind of oil, says the Coast Guard.

Mostly likely the remains of a few tourists who didn’t survive a Duval crawl.

Which brings us, finally, to Miss USA and her pole dancing skills. It seems there is still a lot we Westerners don’t understand about Islam. She was, for the record, facing east in those pole dancing photos and, clearly, she sticks to a serious regime of fitness. Few Christian or Jewish pole dancers have looked that good.

This simply demonstrates the wide diversity of views within Islam. And I think we can all appreciate a faith with suppleness and sinewy limbs.

Pit bulls, pigs & mama grizzlies

Posted on May 17, 2010 By

CONCERN: Gulf oil slick may be merging into Loop Current.

CLICK HERE for NOAA forecast maps, in motion.

An “emerging, conservative, feminist identity” is what Sarah Palin said late last week of a group of women opposed to women making their own choices on reproductive health.

The failed national office seeker who walked off the job – quit – as Alaska’s governor delivered a stirring call to action at a breakfast meeting of the Susan B. Anthony List.

“”The mama grizzlies, they rise up,” she said, to laughter, according to the Washington Post.

“You thought pit bulls are tough. You don’t want to mess with the mama grizzlies. And I think there are a whole lot of those in this room.”

What is it, exactly, that compels Palin to describer her and her supporters in animal metaphors? Hmmm…issues.

The grizzlies gathered in the room for the Susan B. Anthony List oppose the right of women to seek abortions. Nevermind that Susan B. Anthony was, herself, the ultimate advocate for women’s rights.

Palin went to tell the group of her own personal struggle when she discovered she was pregnant with a Down Syndrome child. She made the choice, she said, and now Trig is a blessing to her family. Ah, yes, the choice.

This would be good for conservatives to embrace feminism and equal rights for everyone!

He could see the Heritage Foundation create a new American Civility Rights Union or the American Enterprise Institute pledge to work with the American Conscience of Rights, Naturally.

We could even see a National Rifle Association convention where no one is allowed to be bring guns. We could text our votes to elect our first Miss USA who also happens to be Muslim. (See earlier: “emerging, conservative feminism.”)

Okay, okay…probably just dreaming.

We have big elections coming up tomorrow. At least the punditry is telling us they are big.  There will be a lot of talk over the next 48 hours about anti-incumbent fervor…hey, it’s mid-terms, what else do we have to talk about?

Pennsylvania: Tried and true Democratic U.S. Rep. Joe Sestak, a retired Admiral, is neck and neck with Democratic wannabe and veteran U.S. Senator Arlen Specter.

Arkansas: Maybe-she’s-too-Moderate Sen. Blanche Lincoln is facing a tough primary battle from Lt. Gov. Bill Halter, a favorite of slight more progressive people in the Democratic Primary.

Kentucky: Rand Paul, Libertarian eye-doctor and son of U.S. Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, appears headed for a victory in the Republican Primary for U.S. Senate to replace the retiring and certifiably whacky former major league pitcher Jim Bunning.

These primary battle and many others are sure to give everyone something to crow about.