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The Douche is back…

Posted on July 7, 2010 By

Although it may have gone relatively unnoticed in all the media hype over some guy named Lindsay Lohan, carnival sideshow barker Douche Limpbranch must be back on the radio.

You can tell because of the oily, greasy sheen on the radio dial.

You’ll remember – if you care to – Douche was recently married. Again. Number Four. Family values. And he must’ve gotten laid, once, on his honeymoon because like any good douche on a summer’s eve he’s full of piss and vinegar.

“There was not a recession (in 2008),” proclaimed the Douche only yesterday, as he babbled on, blaming the Obama Administration for the recession which didn’t happen then but is happening now.

Oh sure, rewriting history is nothing new to the right-wing fringe and the Douche is a master at it but, you see, the Douche has a problem.

No, not the obvious ones. He has a career problem. No, not the obvious ones. This one is serious.

To attract attention in Crazy Town, one has to be the bright and shiny object. The Douche was that bright and shiny object for many years. He had his hey-day railing against the Clintons back in the 90s and Bill gave him the perfect gift: a cigar and an intern.

But those glory days are long gone and other bright and shiny objects keep popping up in Crazy Town, getting brighter and shinier…and crazier…all the time. The competition is, unlike Douche without Viagra, stiff.

Gin BecksBeer, the Douche’s main rival high-jacked the Crazy Train some time ago. His rants make the Douche look like Mr. Rogers on OxyContin.

And even though the audience and advertisers have been fleeing Gin BecksBeer radio and TV shows like rats scurrying from a sinking ship, ol’ Gin continues to get crazier and crazier.

And, of course, the Douche’s ego can’t allow anyone to be crazier so he must, in turn, ratchet up the nonsense; get even shinier in Crazy Town; catapult the propaganda, as G.W. Bush might say.

So, now that’s he back he’s gonna dig deep into his bag of nonsense to tell us stuff like, Obama “wouldn’t have been voted President if he weren’t black.”

And, “If Obama weren’t black he’d be a tour guide in Honolulu.”

And, yes, in case you’re wondering: crazy, racism and poor grammar often go together.

Thank heavens, according to the Douche, we needn’t worry about the GOP and its future with Michael Steele in charge and telling us how Obama started the war in Afghanistan.

The center of the universe, says the Douche, is not the Republican National Committee.

“Its right here,” said the Douche. “The head of the RNC is not the Republican leader. He’s not the conservative leader. That’s me.”

OOOHHH…look…shiny!

GOP hand slapped, caught in Census cookie jar!

Posted on March 12, 2010 By

Here they go again: the U.S. House of Representatives never lets anyone have any fun!

Curmudgeons, that’s what they are. Here, the Republican National Committee was just trying a little political merriment – a little word play – and make some money on the side.

Sure, the RNC letter to thousands said, “Congressional District Census,” and, “Do Not Destroy, Official Document,” and was a push-poll combined with a plea for money but, come on…really…it was just a harmless little stunt; a prank just to count gullible Americans!

The real and official U.S. Census forms are about to hit the mail, you see, and the Republican National Committee and the campaign arm of the Republicans in the House, the National Republican Campaign Committee, thought it’d be a hoot to send out a fund-raiser and pointed questionnaire and call it, “census” and “official document” and…ha-ha-ha…that’s really funny.

Buffoons all across this great land of ours would think it’s the real census, answer the questions about household demographics and economics and send back money…because, of course, the real Census always asks us for money!

But, okay, in a vote of 416-0 (all House Republicans voting in favor), the House of Representatives decided such pranks are not cool and banned this harmless little fun of the RNC.

“The NRCC remains opposed to misleading mailings,” said an RNCC spokesman, after the vote. “Unless, of course, we can get away with it.”

No, just making up that last part.

Pity the poor GOP. All this comes on the heels of the leaked memo in which the RNC finance committee suggested using fear and ego-massaging as a way to raise money from its wealthiest patrons.

A suggestion for the GOP: find some issues and campaign on those. We all remember Nancy Reagan’s famous, “Just Say No,” anti-drug campaign. But just saying no will only get you so far. Just a thought.

Meanwhile, our socialist president has lived up to his promise and redistributed the wealth from his Nobel Prize, giving all $1.4 to charities.

According to the New York Times, President Obama gave $250,000 to Fisher House, an organization providing housing for families of veterans being treated at government medical centers. He also gave $200,000 to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund and plenty of money to organizations like the United Negro College Fund, the Hispanic Scholarship Fund, the Appalachian Leadership and Education Foundation, the American Indian College Fund, Africare and the Central Asia Institute, which promotes the education of young women in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Watch for the Right Wing Nut Jobs to rail against the groups as scurrilous. Kinda wish Obama had sent a few bucks the way of ACORN, just for giggles.

Yea, and…HEY! Glenn Beck!…this is called social justice and, yea, real people of faith are called to it.

Shoot ‘em up at the Starbucks Corral!

Posted on March 5, 2010 By

“I’d love to meet you at Starbucks…but I’m out of ammo.”

Or…

“I’ll take a venti triple mocha latte with two extra shots…one in the cup and one at your head.”

That’s right. If you haven’t heard by now, you need to know the pin-head knuckle draggers who insist on carrying guns in their pants because they fear they have little else to carry in their pants are pulling the trigger on sanity around the country by staging gun-toting gatherings at Starbucks.

Their aim, you see, is to prove to the world what extreme bullies they can be by carrying guns into Starbucks – and other restaurants – in states where it’s legal to openly carry guns – 24 states, to be exact.

Yes, you read that correctly: it is now legal to openly carry guns in 24 states and two more – Virginia and Arizona – are expected soon to follow suit and become a backdrop for cowboy movies. Guns are allowed now in playgrounds and sports fields in Tennessee.

It’s insanity, really.

Seriously, give me a good reason for carrying a gun into a Starbucks or a California Pizza Kitchen or a Buckhorn Grill or any other restaurant…except, of course, to rob it at gun point.

You’re right. There isn’t one. But that matters little to the mouth breathers who continue to insist they need guns to make up for their lack of self esteem.

Hey morons! Try a little therapy…or contemplative prayer…or yoga, for Heaven’s sake.

The good news is The Brady Center is trying to counter this craziness.

All this comes as the U.S. Supreme Court may be on the brink of relaxing gun laws even more and…oh, yea, did we mention that last night a gun-toter shot up the Pentagon and wounded two police officers?

And from the Tell-Us-Something-We-Don’t-Already-Know Department, comes a leaked memo and PowerPoint show in which Republican operatives suggest using “fear” as a tactic to raise money and win votes in the 2010 elections.

Hmmm, really? Gee, we’ve never seen Republicans do that before. (See: Senator Joseph McCarthy; See: Donald Segretti; See: Karl Rove) But, apparently, this time they mean it.

The strategy, unveiled by the Republican National Committee’s finance group at a gathering of party officials February 18th in Boca Grande, Florida, suggests the best way to raise money from the very rich is to scare them with cartoons and tell them socialism and President Obama will take away all their money!

Cartoons mocking President Obama, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid warn of “the evil empire” run by “Curella DeVille and Scooby Doo.”

Issues, anyone? Debate, anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Guns, fear and cartoons! That’s what made ‘Murka great!

Snow and hand puppets and Republican VD…day cards

Posted on February 10, 2010 By

It’s snowin’ the bejeepers outa the Northeast US of A, which means nobody can get to work, which means everyone has to sit at home and make Sarah Palin hand puppets while callin’ each other retards for thinking the snow completely disproves global warming.

It’s just that kind of messed up day. The New York Times can’t even report on the winter storm, apparently, because none of its reporters can get out of the building. The Old Grey Lady sent out a tweet earlier today – desperately seeking  help to report the story..

“Send us your stories,” read the tweet. “We’re trapped and we’re cannibalizing the once proud craft of journalism!”

(Okay…made up that last part…kinda.)

Don’t know why everybody wants to make fun of Sarah Palin’s hand job for the teabaggers last weekend. She was just trying to give them want they want.

Even the comic genius that is White House press spokesman Robert Gibbs stroked the meme by revealing to the White House press corps a short grocery list written on his palm. Ha-ha-ha…yea, that was a good one. Maybe when he’s done at the White House his brothers, Barry and Robin, will take him back and they can go on the road again…”stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…”

Elsewhere in the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama was rolling out her campaign to end the epidemic of childhood obesity in a generation.

And when we say, “rolling out”… we don’t mean the kids who are…wait for it…so fat…wait for it…that when they sit around the house, the really sit around the house!

Okay, okay…sorry. This really is a serious problem for the US of A…mostly in the A and mid-section of kids who, studies suggest, consume an average – AVERAGE – of 145 pounds of high fructose corn syrup each year, mostly from soft drinks, fruity drinks, so-called sports drinks and processed foods.

The First Lady’s, “Let’s Move,” campaign is not a signal to Republicans the Obamas are ready for a new address come 2012 but rather a call to put down the Twinkies, get off the freakin’ couch and play some hoops…for heaven’s sake!

And speaking of Republicans, that fun-loving and clever bunch over at the Republican National Committee is doing its part to spread the VD love by offering Valentine’s Day e-cards for your friends or sex partners, even same-sex partners or all three!

You can send cards bearing the likeness of Rahm Emmanuel saying, “Happy [expletive] Valentine’s Day.” Or an ACORN spokesman saying, “We’d like to help you set up a tax free romance business.”

Oh, those witty RNC staffers…a barrel of monkeys are those guys! They missed a real opportunity, though, to send out Valentine’s Day cards from the likes of Gov. Mark Sanford, Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, Rep. Mark Foley…or, even, Newt Gingrich or Justice Clarence Thomas.

Finally, our dreams have been answered! Google has given us YET ANOTHER social network through which we can totally waste what little time we have left from wasting our time on all the other social networks!

Google Buzz will offer diversions straight from your Gmail and keep you updated on what your friends are doing and posting on all their social networking sites. Great! SQUIRREL!!