Those crazy liberals, wanting to subvert the laws of the nation and the constitution to keep off private property the practice of religion!

The framers of the constitution made it clear: no law shall be made respecting the establishment of religion or prohibiting the free expression thereof.

But these liberals: Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the rest, want to liberally construe that fundamental right to exclude Muslims from it. Probably Methodists, too, if they thought they could!

They liberally apply hate to persuade the rest of us of their point of view.

Clearly, they are constitutional obstructionists who care little about the literal interpretation of the nation’s original founding framework.

Many of them also, apparently, want to go back to the days of the liberal George Bush Administration.

You remember the liberal Bush Administration, of course. How can we forget? It’s indelibly etched on our check books.

George Bush took a $46 billion budget surplus from the Clinton Administration in 2000 and liberally spent it to once again turn ours into a debtor nation.

Bush took the nation’s budget deficit to $2.2 trillion in just his first three years while liberally increasing federal spending by 22 percent. By the end of his term the budget deficit remain around $1.85 trillion.

George Bush liberally took us to war – twice, against two entire nations – all the while insisting we weren’t fighting Islam but, rather, a small pocket of insane criminals and political ideologues.

George Bush liberally ran up the national debt in doing so.

And if that wasn’t enough, George Bush liberally changed the nation’s tax code to give the wealthiest 1 percent of us a very liberal break on their taxes.

Plenty of people want to continue those liberal policies, especially the liberally benefitted wealthy 1 percent who know hold all the power…and 80 percent of all the money.

With the liberal tax cuts in place, Bush and the liberal Republican Congress went about setting the greatest spending spree in U.S. history, culminating of course in the very liberal and generous $700 billion bailout of a number of financial firms suddenly disintegrating.

The firms disintegrated because of a stark and liberal relaxation of the financial industry’s regulation.

But unhappy with the conservative approach to governance by the Obama Administration, these liberals want to return to the days of free spending, tax cuts for the rich, war and liberally applied doses of religious intolerance and xenophobia.

Newt, Rush, Sarah: we don’t need your liberal ways anymore!

A President of the United States can stand up, defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and you people, so torn by fear and paranoia, go berserk with angry rhetoric and condemnation.

What? The President defending the Constitution? Why, that’s…that’s…just downright un-American!

“And a baby cries…in the ghetto…” Oh Elvis, why’d you have leave us (maybe)?

Seriously, can you people hear what you’re saying?

On defending the right in the United States to worship as one pleases, Eye-of-the-Newt Gingrich said the President is “pandering to radical Islam.”

Sarah Palin refudiated the President’s defense of the Constitution by acknowledging Muslims, like everyone else, have a right to worship anywhere they please in the U.S. of A. But “should they?,” she asks.

Peter King, a Republican congressman from New York, suggested President Obama is rubbing salt in the wound of 9/ll by pointing out the Constitution defends the right to worship as we are lead to worship.

In case you’ve been under a rock since Friday or catching oil soaked shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico, the President of the United States, speaking to a gathering of Muslims celebrating the beginning of the holy month of Ramadan with a White House dinner, pointed out what every American first grader knows:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The President’s defense of basic rights just didn’t sit well with basic right-winters; hate-mongers dedicated to dividing us against ourselves at every turn. No siree Bob. We can’t have a country where all are welcomed! That just won’t do and, besides, they don’t have a clear enough message to drive people to the voting booth unless they scare the bejeebers out of us with fear and paranoia.

So, okay, let’s a few points straight:

Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.

1. Islam didn’t attack us on September 11, 2001. A group of extremists, criminal radicals known as Al Qaeda attacked us on September 11, 2001. They happened to be Muslim and are led by Muslim heretics.
2. Right-Wing Muslim radicals and extremists are not alone in their violent rhetoric and actions. Christian and Jewish extremists and radicals can match them word for word and, mostly, act for act.
3. If we have any chance at all of overcoming this kind of violent action by religious heretics and dangerous thugs, we have to stand strong for the ideals which establish the very core of this great social experiment we call America. It doesn’t matter if our own radicals don’t like it very much, everyone is welcome to worship as they please.

And besides, all three great Abrahamic faiths – Jewish, Muslim & Christian – require us to acknowledge and treat as brothers and sisters those of the other faiths.

Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and the rest of the radical paranoids have a right in America to say whatever they wish about others…but should they?

It seems there is a conspiracy among Baptists, led by Kentucky’s GOP nominee for the U.S. Senate, to worship a mysterious deity known to followers as the Aqua Buddha.

Oh sure, Rand Paul denies it now – while also claiming now to be a Presbyterian – but many years ago while a student at Baylor University and a member of the university-tormenting NoZe Brotherhood Paul allegedly tried to lead a female swim team member to the river to be baptized in weed and the Aqua Buddha. At least according to GQ Magazine.

“I will categorically deny that I ever kidnapped anyone or forced anybody to use drugs,” Paul said on the Faux News Channel.

Ah, yes, but you see here is where it went wrong. If he’d only attended Southern Methodist University he would have seen the light and realized the true path to Aqua Buddha enlightenment is pot brownies and beer.

At least we can thank him for launching Max & Davina with Sirius Isness and a world wide movement of trance floor fillers, the spearhead of the global trance explosion.

Somehow, I blame Sarah Palin.

And for Sharron Angle and Ken Buck, as well. These three, clearly stable human beings may just combine with Florida’s Medicaid-reimbursements-gone-wild potential GOP goober-natorial nominee Rick Scott could end up being the d’Artagnan, Athos, Porthos & Aramis of the 2010 political scene. (“tous pour un, un pour tous!”)

Only, with luck, no one gets beheaded.

Sharron Angle is the Nevada GOP nominee and Tea Party favorite to unseat U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and only a month ago her quest seemed a sure thing. But then she opened her mouth.

Out came such things, paraphrased here, as “hey, let’s kill Social Security,” and “maybe violent revolution is the way to reform this country.”

Then there’s Colorado GOP Senate nominee Ken Buck, who will face incumbent Democrat Mike Bennett who won his party’s nomination yesterday with the full support of President Obama.

Buck, who made it clear during the primary campaign he does not wear high heels and is not, therefore, a woman like his primary opponent also suggested his Tea Party compatriots who believe the President to have been born in Kenya just might be, as he so delicately put it, “dumbasses.”  This endeared him to his base.

And, finally, we have Florida’s Rick Scott. A multi-millionaire and former CEO of the embattled Columbia-HCA hospital chain, Scott is spending $34 million of his own cheese to become governor of Florida because he sees how well current Gov. Charlie Crist has made out in that office.

Angry that GOP primary opponent Bill McCollum, Florida’s current attorney general and long-time political veteran, would question his company’s…er…”problem” with allegations of Medicare fraud found himself served him with a subpoena yesterday at the beginning of a hastily arranged press conference.

Scott was going to denounce McCollum for investigating the $1.7 billion Medicare fraud fine paid by HCA-Columbia a decade ago.

“This is a clear abuse of power. This is exactly what thugs do in third-world countries to keep power,” Scott said. “Bill McCollum is the Tonya Harding of Florida politics.”

Said the Tallahassee lawyer who served the subpoena, ““I’m doing God’s work. I’m not doing this for any campaign. This guy Scott is the corporate spawn of Satan.”

It seems everyone could use a little Aqua Buddha right about now. Or, maybe, Ramadan. Or, just maybe, the Transfiguration.

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!

Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?

Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!

That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!

This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!

We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!

The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!

And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.

Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.

Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith.  

Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”

“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”

And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.

“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.

And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11^th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.

And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”

Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.

The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.

Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!

Quiz: which of these events presents the most disappointment and dread?

Answer: Mama Grizzlies.

(It was a trick question.)

What, exactly, is with the extremist right wing in this country and all the talk of animals and shootin’ guns and teeth-barin’ metaphors?

Seems to be working, though.

Sarah Palin compares right-wing female politicians to Mama Grizzlies and her political action committee raises nearly $1 million in the second quarter.

Nevada senatorial candidate Sharron Angle suggests armed revolt might be the answer to today’s troubled nation and she wins the GOP nomination.

Some winger fringe preacher says a Yellowstone National Park visitor killed by a bear is God’s revenge for researchers drugging the bear to study it…rather than killing it.

Then, of course, there is the famous admission by abortion extremist Neal Horsley that everyone growing up on a farm has sex with mules.

Oh…wait…that’s a different story.

Palin has long made the best out of animal metaphors, of course. Pit bulls and pigs with lipstick became a national phrases célèbre during the 2008 presidential campaign. So much so that, by golly, she’s stickin’ with it.

“I always think of the mama grizzly bears that rise up on their hind legs when somebody’s coming to attack their cubs, to do something ADVERSE toward their cubs,” Palin recently told an adoring audience, not at a zoo.

“You thought pit bulls were tough, well you don’t mess with the mama grizzlies. Look out, Washington, because there’s a whole stampede of pink elephants crossin’ the line and the ETA — stampeding through — is November 2nd, 2010. Lotta women, comin’ together.”

Palin was, of course, comparing politicians and office-seekers who happen to be women – and right wing – to mama grizzlies. That’s sweet and all – and certainly a different view of women than one might get from, say, the National Organization of Women or Emily’s List.

Maybe just a few too many pink elephants stampeding along. Who knows?

“It seems like it’s kind of a mom awakening in the last year and a half, where women are rising up and saying, ‘No, we’ve had enough already.’ Because moms kinda just know when something’s wrong,” she said.

We all know when something’s wrong. One just can’t put lipstick on a pig and expect anyone to see it as anything but a pig.

The bad news is we’re now officially under siege by a foreign oil corporation and being held hostage by its greed, incompetence and general disdain for humankind and Mother Earth.

But the good news is…oh, wait, there isn’t any good news.

“This is a siege across the entire gulf,” said U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen over the weekend on the TeeVee Box. “This spill is holding everybody hostage, not only economically but physically. And it has to be attacked on all fronts.”

So, would someone PLEASE attack it? AND save a little punishment for the corporation responsible for it?

“This is the most messed up thing I’ve ever seen,” said another astute observer.

Yep, it is quite possibly this will be the most messed up thing we’re likely to see it our lifetimes.

“This is worse than the financial meltdown,” continued the astute observer. “We can overcome money disasters.”

So, let’s take stock.

The Gulf of Mexico contains 2,434, 000 cubic kilometers of water or 642,994,775,444,240,000 gallons.

It now also contains between 30 million and 117 million gallons of oil plus another 1 million gallons of chemicals intended to, um, disperse the oil.

So…carry the 1…sin(ax)sin(bx) – k cos(ax)cos(bx)… let’s see…that means roughly 1.807723911257192e-10 percent of the Gulf of Mexico is now filled with oil and cancer-causing chemicals.

One is legally drunk is Florida when one’s blood alcohol content reaches .08 percent. Just sayin’.

But not to worry, the “drill-baby-drill” crowd has it all under control.

Why just this past weekend, Drill-Baby (otherwise known as Sarah Palin) posted on her Facebook page the root cause of this catastrophe of Biblical proportions.

Yes, you guessed it: the “extreme environmentalists.”

“With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet,” wrote the half-term governor of Alaska.

“Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous.

“Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it.”

How could we have been so wrong to oppose offshore oil drilling?

Finally, noted carnival sideshow barker and human cartoon Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend to his fourth wife. Newt Gingrich was there with his third wife.

It’s good to celebrate life-long commitments and family values.

It’s a hard business.

BP or “Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans” will get a visit today from President Obama. He will, no doubt, kick their corporate ass before donning his Aquaman suit, swimming down 5,000 feet and plugging the volcano himself with one of the whale carcasses he may find.

Probably gonna be a lot of junk shots today.

After all, the President took full responsibility yesterday, explaining the federal government’s been in charge of this fiasco from day one. That was, of course, before he realized BP decided on its own to pull out of the initial junk shot leaving us all disappointed and unfulfilled.

“I take responsibility,” said the President during an afternoon presser. “It is my job to make sure that everything is done to shut this down. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away or the way I’d like it to happen. That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to make mistakes.”

Then he told us even his 11-year-old daughter, Malia, is concerned.

“You know, when I woke up this morning and I’m shaving, and Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she says, ‘did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?’”

No, sweetie, Daddy didn’t plug the hole, yet.

But, hey, the good news is officials of Beyond Petroleum-and-into-destroying-one-of-the-world’s-great-oceans described this disaster of Biblical proportions as – not making this up – an “environmental catastrophe.”

Thanks Tony Hayward, head of BP in ‘Murka, for upgrading your assessment from “a modest spill.”

Lots of junk shots today.

Fearful of losing headline attention, Sarah Palin is tweeting (again, can’t make this up): “I never say drill,baby,drill. Ahh, that’s much of the problem, Mr.President, Drill ANWR & unlock land for safe onshore devlpmnt/energy security.”

Seriously? Hey Sarah, let’s go to the video tape.

Speaking of mouthing off, where’s Dick Cheney been? He’s always good for a quote about the Obama Administration. No? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh yea, that’s right…his, um, cozy and helpful relationship with the oil industry just might share a teeny-tiny bit of the blame for all this. Maybe, once the Gulf of Mexico is dead, we can rename the aquatic wasteland, the Gulf of Dick.

But the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana are going right ahead with their 75^th Annual Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.

“All systems are go,” said Lee Delaune, the festival’s director to the New York Times. “We will honor the two industries as we always do. More so probably in grand style, because it’s our diamond jubilee.”

More so probably because as an added treat, the good people of Morgan City, Louisiana can pick up shrimp coated in oil right off the boats! Good for deep fryin’.

Sarah Palin thinks asking a politician about such matters is gotcha-journalism like, you know, when she was asked, “what newspapers do you read?” (Remember answer? “All of ‘em.”)

The Gulf of Mexico continues filling up with oil and chemicals.

Let’s hope this week is better…or, at least, a little less stupid.

That’s right, I said it: stupid. Just plain stupid; meaning: dumb, dim, think, dense, slow, dull, brainless, obtuse, foolish, silly, daft.

Perhaps Palin is simply pissed because someone finally knocked her off the cover of Dumb Politicians Monthly magazine. Oops, sorry, but it’s time to move on to the next season of “American Idiot Idol.”

Richard “yea, sure, I served in Vietnam…with my wife, Morgan Fairchild” Blumenthal can give ‘em a run for their money.

Yea, that’s the ticket.

It’s one thing to be really mush-brained but think you have all the answers and put them out there in public for all the world to see and hear.

But it’s a whole other level of dumbass to go out there in public and defend dumbass, blame it one someone else or – especially – the media.

But let’s be honest, we’ve no shortage of publicly expressed dumbassiness. Remember these?

“Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.” – FEMA Director Michael Brown on his heckuva job in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”  - Dan Quayle.

“We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term.” – Bush White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Know hat? Maybe, for once, I agree with what Douche Limpbranch said on his dumbass radio show back in February:

“Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”

Oh, and did I mention the best guess estimate is over 35 million gallons of oil is now in the Gulf of Mexico…AND COUNTING!

Dumbass.

CLICK HERE for NOAA forecast maps, in motion.

An “emerging, conservative, feminist identity” is what Sarah Palin said late last week of a group of women opposed to women making their own choices on reproductive health.

The failed national office seeker who walked off the job – quit – as Alaska’s governor delivered a stirring call to action at a breakfast meeting of the Susan B. Anthony List.

“”The mama grizzlies, they rise up,” she said, to laughter, according to the Washington Post.

“You thought pit bulls are tough. You don’t want to mess with the mama grizzlies. And I think there are a whole lot of those in this room.”

What is it, exactly, that compels Palin to describer her and her supporters in animal metaphors? Hmmm…issues.

The grizzlies gathered in the room for the Susan B. Anthony List oppose the right of women to seek abortions. Nevermind that Susan B. Anthony was, herself, the ultimate advocate for women’s rights.

Palin went to tell the group of her own personal struggle when she discovered she was pregnant with a Down Syndrome child. She made the choice, she said, and now Trig is a blessing to her family. Ah, yes, the choice.

This would be good for conservatives to embrace feminism and equal rights for everyone!

He could see the Heritage Foundation create a new American Civility Rights Union or the American Enterprise Institute pledge to work with the American Conscience of Rights, Naturally.

We could even see a National Rifle Association convention where no one is allowed to be bring guns. We could text our votes to elect our first Miss USA who also happens to be Muslim. (See earlier: “emerging, conservative feminism.”)

Okay, okay…probably just dreaming.

We have big elections coming up tomorrow. At least the punditry is telling us they are big.  There will be a lot of talk over the next 48 hours about anti-incumbent fervor…hey, it’s mid-terms, what else do we have to talk about?

Pennsylvania: Tried and true Democratic U.S. Rep. Joe Sestak, a retired Admiral, is neck and neck with Democratic wannabe and veteran U.S. Senator Arlen Specter.

Arkansas: Maybe-she’s-too-Moderate Sen. Blanche Lincoln is facing a tough primary battle from Lt. Gov. Bill Halter, a favorite of slight more progressive people in the Democratic Primary.

Kentucky: Rand Paul, Libertarian eye-doctor and son of U.S. Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, appears headed for a victory in the Republican Primary for U.S. Senate to replace the retiring and certifiably whacky former major league pitcher Jim Bunning.

These primary battle and many others are sure to give everyone something to crow about.

“We already drill in an environmentally sensitive manner.”

Okay, so maybe Michael ManofSteele, Sarah Palindrome & Shame Humanity missed the mark just a skosh on this one.

Gee, ya think?

As the people of Perdido Key, Florida spent Sunday patrolling their 10 miles of beach, picking up anything that could soak up the millions of gallons of oil possibly headed their way, the rest of the nation watched in horror as oil advocates gagged on their own words.

Fortunately, we can count on radio carnival barker Douche Limpbranch to find the solution for us.

“The ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and left out there,” Limpbranch told the St. Petersburg Times. “It’s natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is.”

Limpbranch also suggested the April 20 oil rig explosion which led to the 200,000-gallon-per-day open gusher on the Gulf floor might have been a case of eco-terrorism by one of the oil rig workers.

This is all excellent logic, the kind of logic that leads pundits across the meme-scape to call this horrible disaster, “Obama’s Katrina.”

Obama’s Katrina? Really? Seriously? Okay, to begin with journalist and rescue workers can actually get to, stay in and enjoy the food of New Orleans…unlike the days following Katrina.

Second, sales of Dawn dishwashing liquid will soon spike as experts suggest the common household product is the single best way to clean befouled fowl of oil. Really, not making this up.

“There is something in that Dawn detergent that cuts that oil right off of them,” said Lee Fox, head of Sarasota, FL.-based Save our Seabirds.

Fox wrote a manual for how to clean up birds covered with oil after a 1993 oil spill in Tampa Bay.

Wait…you mean we’ve had other massive oil spills? Sure we have. You might recall Alaska’s Exxon Valdez spill in 1989…President George H.W. Bush’s Katrina.

Close to 11 million gallons of oil spilled into Alaska’s Prince William Sound.

The good news is BP, which owns the leaking oil rig, announced last week its first quarter 2010 profits were up nearly $2.4 billion over the first quarter 2009…thanks to rising oil and gasoline prices.

So…this is working out pretty well for them.

“Drill, baby, drill.”

“Eat shrimp while you still can.”