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Tea Party? Racist? Really?

Posted on October 20, 2010 By

TeaPartyRacism

The GOTeaParty absolutely hates it when they get caught being racist, xenophobic, homophobic and just down right stupid and you point out how they’re being racist, xenophobic, homophobic and just down right stupid.

They get their tiddy-whities all twisted up in knots and start sputterin’ an’ cussin’ and sayin’ really smart stuff like, “I’m not a racist, you’re a racist for callin’ me a racist.”

All the while, holding a sign which reads, “Obama Agenda: White Slavery.”

It would be laughable…except it’s not.

No one knows better than the NAACP how suggesting much of the GOTeaParty rabble is caught up in the great American tradition of racism. You’ll remember how about three months ago the NAACP stirred up the hornets’ nest, including and especially the GOTeaParty propaganda ministry, Fox News, and had them yammerin’ all over themselves in defense. Futile defense but hilarious.

The GOTeaParty defense of such obvious racism and meanness has always been to claim these well-documented episodes are merely random and isolated, not really connected with the good white folks of the official GOTeaParty.

So, okay. Let’s check this out. The NAACP did exactly that and today released a report prepared by the Institute for Research and Education on Human Rights which documents specific and indisputable ties between many teabagger groups and white supremacist organizations.

The report describes what it calls links between tea party factions and white supremacist groups, anti-immigrant organizations and militias, according to the Kansas City Star.

Not only have tea parties given platforms to extremists, the report states, the movement is a recruiting ground for hard-core white nationalists who are “hoping to push these (white) protesters toward a more self-conscious and ideological white supremacy.”

The report’s authors examined government documents and databases, including court cases, campaign finance reports and corporate filings, according to the Star.

“This is the first data-driven report of this type on the tea parties,” said author Devin Burghart. “Understanding their membership structures was the crucial first step that enabled us to understand the complexity of the tea party movement and to be able to specify the role of racists and bigots in the movement.”

The reports findings include:

•The St. Louis-based Council of Conservative Citizens, the largest white nationalist group in the country, has both led and promoted tea party protests. Roan Garcia-Quintana, a member of ResistNet who served as media spokesman for a 2010 Tax Day Tea Party in South Carolina, is on the national board of directors for the Council of Conservative Citizens.

•Clayton Douglas, a former information officer for the New Mexico Militia, is a member of the ResistNet tea party. He uses his profile on the ResistNet website to advertise his own “Free American” website, on which he promotes anti-Semitism.

•The Wood County Tea Party in Texas is led by a woman who used to be involved with the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

•The 1776 Tea Party — also known as TeaParty.org — is led by Stephen Eichler, executive director of the Minuteman Project, an anti-immigrant border patrol group often referred to as vigilantes.

Maybe this doesn’t rise to the level of a senatorial candidate not understanding the separation of church & state or Mrs. Clarence Thomas drunk-dialing Anita Hill…but, still, it’s funny…except it isn’t.

Boom, boom ain’t it great to be crazy? And lazy?

Posted on July 30, 2010 By

Lazy

Karl Rove “hearts” President Obama; Muslim families enjoy amusement park hot dogs; Phyllis Schlafly is still alive; and the South is, apparently, the laziest region in ‘Murka. Who knew?

It’s all part of boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy in the land of the free and the home of the raves!

In an op-ed piece published in the Wall Street Urinal, former G.W. Bush hatchet man and puppet-master Karl Rove lets us know he thinks President Obama is doing a pretty darn good job in Afghanistan.

“Mr. Obama has acted impressively so far on Afghanistan,” wrote the man affectionately known as Turd Blossom, by the ever articulate 43rd POTUS.

Either the meds are finally working or this tells us all we need to know about how wrong is our currently policy in the land that time forgot.

Not that we should expect anything different, I guess, but the right-wing nut jobs are all cranked out now over the Six Flags amusement park chain setting aside a special day for Muslim families to be amused by roller coasters and log plume rides.

Hey, wing nuts! Muslims need thrills, too!

But, oh no, not according to Annie Hamilton of the Tea Party Patriots website:

“Muslim Day at Six Flags is inappropriate for a multitude of reasons and I’m saddened and shocked by the ignorance of the corporate folks and by the action that now must be taken by the rest of us,” she wrote.

According to a press release issued by Six Flags, Ms. Hamilton misunderstood.

“We are not celebrating Muslim Day,” said the Six Flags spokesman. “We’re celebrating ‘muslin day,’ and asking everyone to wear for their comfort loosely woven cotton fabric.

No, just kidding. Six Flags really will host – as it as every year since 2000 – a special day for Muslim Families, sponsored by the Islamic Circle of North America. This year, Six Flags Muslim Family Day falls on September 12, which is what has Hamilton so upset…for some reason.

“Islam is as Islam does,” wrote Hamilton.

But, according to Hamilton and her Tea Party buddies, what Islam shouldn’t do is be allowed to ride the Medusa or the Titan or the Raging Bull or the Bazarro, the later obviously being saved for Ms. Hamilton and her fellow baggers.

Who knew Phyllis Schlafly was still alive? Or relevant?

Well, apparently, she is; at least alive, not sure about relevant. But that didn’t keep her from pointing out how unmarried women are the single biggest problem in ‘Murka.

“Unmarried women, 70% of unmarried women, voted for Obama, and this is because when you kick your husband out, you’ve got to have big brother government to be your provider,” Schlafly recently told a fund-raiser for her Eagle Forum crotchety old women’s organization, according to Talking Points Memo.

She went on to make some remark about battery-operated-boyfriends but, like her, that’s irrelevant here.

Finally, ever wonder where the laziest people live in the US of A? The answer is not the U.S. Senate – the most timid, perhaps.

The laziest people live in the South, according to Bloomberg Business Week, which ranked Louisiana as the laziest state…you know, when they’re not raking oil off their beaches and marshes.

Mississippi comes in as the second laziest state followed by Arkansas in third. Rounding out the rest of the Top five in order: North Carolina, Tennessee & Kentucky.

Ha-Ha-Ha…but the Yankees at Bloomberg Business Week misinterpret the survey data! These folks ain’t lazy, they’re just getting’ ‘round to it…eventually.

Takes one to know one!!

Posted on July 28, 2010 By

JesusThinksURAdumbass

BREAKING NEWS: Here, on the 100th day of the Gulf Oil Disaster, the New York Times announces the Gulf is all good now. Nothing to see…move along…go on about your business…thanks for playin’. Gee, who knew it would be so easy?

So…Rally ‘round all you God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins!

We are withdrawin’ from the Republicans! We are withdrawin’ from the Democrats! We are withdrawin’ from the Libertarians and the Teabaggers and the Green Party and, especially, the Presbyterians!

We are withdrawin’ from the Independents!

Wait…do the independents have an organization? Do the anarchists have an organization?

Nevermind…We’re startin’ our own movement to lead us further into the deep abyss known as peaceful, absolute and irrefutiadable IG-NURNCE!

That’s right, boyz & girlz, we the unknowing, led by the unwilling…or sumpthin’ like that…are takin’ matters into our hands! Hizzah!! More Sugar!!

This is why our country was founded on the principles of freedom and tolerance and expression and respect for each other! This is why we go to church every dang Sunday to learn about love – ‘cause we’re sick of THOSE people!!

We are today announcing the newest political movement in ‘Murka – and, by golly, only ‘Murkins can join!

The Decidedly Uninformed Mostly-Bubbas Assigned to Sectarian Slobbering, or D.U.M.B.A.S.S, will make the teabaggers look like the WCTU on Decoration Day, all fluffy and sweaty in them flowerdy hats and polyester moo-moos!

And we’re announcing our list of charter members, so honored for their enormous contributions to an egalitarian society where mutual respect is cherished above all else, just as the Baby Jesus intended this great country to be…stand for…whatever.

Now that Tony Hayward has is life back from BP and the great sludge pit that was once the Gulf of Mexico, he will be our leader. Plus, we can use the $18 million he gets from his outstanding leadership in service to the customers and shareholders of Butt Plugs.

Sarah Palin, just ‘cause she’s got the legs for it and any organization needs a good wordsmith.  

Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey, a Republican candidate for governor, showing us the way by explaining that Islam is “more a cult than it is a faith.”

“Now, you could even argue whether being a Muslim is actually a religion, or is it a nationality, way of life, cult whatever you want to call it,” Ramsey said. “Now certainly we do protect our religions, but at the same time this is something we are going to have to face.”

And with him, we’ll bring the Rev. Allen Jackson, pastor of the World Outreach Church in Murfreesboro, TN., for fighting to keep a mosque out of walkin’ horse country.

“We have a duty to investigate anyone under the banner of Islam,” said Rev. Jackson.

And while, we’re at it, we’ll include another world outreach, the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida which plans to celebrate September 11th this year by burning a copy of the Holy Koran. You’ll be able to pick ‘em out. They’ll be the ones wearing the, “Islam is of the Devil” T-shirts underneath their overalls.

And then, of course, we must have Dan Amato of Pennsylvania, better known to the blogosphere as, “Digger.”

Dan the Digger dug up a stop-the-presses story about drug cartels crossing the border to seize and occupy two ranches near Laredo, Texas.

The only problem with the story was…well, how do we put this…it was completely made up! Just one more effort to scare good God-fearin’ Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins about the brown threat coming up from Mexico.

Black, brown, almond-mocha, prayin’ differently…it doesn’t matter. Because as D.U.M.B.A.S.S…es…we know: if it ain’t white it ain’t right!

Send in the clowns…

Posted on July 21, 2010 By

scaryclown

The only thing more pathetic than white folks whining about charges of racism is Christians whining about Muslims wanting to build a mosque.

And, very often, it’s the same whiners whining about both!

Grow up, people. You are not the only ones on this planet and you don’t have all the answers.

It never ceases to be amazing how white people react with such venom when anyone points out obvious racism.

Some redneck spits, “Obama plan: white slavery!”

Someone else points out the obvious.

Then some other redneck says, “Why that’s racism, accusing me of racism. You racist!”

Ha-ha-ha! It’s almost laughable, really…except it’s so sad.

The NAACP calls out the obvious racism of TeaParty chants and signs and messages and the teabaggers get their lily white noses outa joint and say, “it’s racist to call us racists.”

The next thing you know some right-wing kook with a blog and TV show puts out a video tape of a USDA official – who just oh so coincidentally happens to be African-American – and gets the NAACP all twisted up and playing defense.

By this time, the racists are demanding today’s equivalent of a lynching as sacrifice to the white power structure and the USDA official is fired.

Oh…but, gosh, who could have seen this coming? The racists edited the tape, told a big ol’ whopping bald-faced lie and now everyone is sorry and the USDA is taking everything back. Sorry. Our bad.

“They just want to stir up some trouble, it seems to me in my opinion,” said a humble Georgia white farmer of the right-wing attempts to seek retribution against African-American public servants.

“Stir up trouble.” That’s the age-old tactic for fighting back from a place of cowardice.

And racists are world-class cowards.

So are fundamentalist Christians and Bumper-Sticker ‘Murkins who get outa joint about Muslims wanting to build an Islamic Center in Manhattan, near the former site of the World Trade Towers and everyone goes postal. Sad.

Oh…but wait…this just in…

Maybe there IS something more pathetic than all that. It’s the Florida Legislature!

The Republican majority Legislature took less than an hour on Tuesday to tell former Republican Gov. Chain Gang Charlie Crist to take his proposed offshore oil drilling ban and stick down the Deepwater Horizon drill hole.

Crist, now an independent and running for the U.S. Senate, called the lawmakers to Tallahassee for the express purpose of drafting a constitutional amendment for Sunshine State voters that would have, if adopted on the ballot in November, placed a permanent ban on oil drilling in Florida waters.

No matter that over 70 percent of Florida voters favor an oil drilling ban, the Republican majority in the legislature was having nothing to do with impeding the ability of Big Oil to foul the coasts.

Well, that and the fact that oil barons gave legislators nearly $300,000 between January 2009 and March 2010…with an additional $185,000 to the Florida GOBP. (And, for the record, $77,000 to the Florida Democratic Party.)

Miffed that Crist continues to lead the U.S. Senate race even after they kicked him out of the GOBP, the Republicans in the legislature said the special session was “because of politics.” Imagine that.

Florida’s Chief Financial Officer Alex Sink, the leading Democratic candidate to replace Crist at the governor’s mansion called the legislature, “a complete failure.”

“Instead of action, the tone deaf Florida Legislature has been twiddling their thumbs,” she said, pointing out the lawmakers should have also addressed the severe economic hits taken by people and businesses in the Florida Panhandle because of the oil spill.

Oil gusher plugged. How ’bout some pieholes?

Posted on July 16, 2010 By

TeaPartyRacism

The oil gusher on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico is capped and Washington is rattled by an earthquake.

Coincidence?

Hmmm….Did passage of a Wall Street reform bill play any role in any of this? (Maybe it would have if any real reform had been passed.)

Hmmm…did anyone ever see Ringo Starr and Yasser Arafat in the same room at the same time?

Did someone forget to tell HTC-Columbia’s Mark Renshaw there is NO HEAD-BUTTING in Le Tour de France?

All thanks and praise be to Glenn Beck for revealing to us that politically progressive people are enemies of God.

“The word was, ‘hot dog.’ And we ate it!” – Pastor Rod Flash.

Back in D.C. the both Republicans and Democrats were quick to…wait for it…find fault with each other in the earthquake. (Credit: @DCDebbie)

Fox News found the fault lay in the Black Panthers Movement…of the 1960s.

As U2 once suggested: shake, rattle and hmmm…

Thank heavens, the Teabaggers were quick to deny any and all racism in the racist tea party rants such as those from teabag leader Mark Williams who posted on his blog, MarkTalk.com, a whimsical imaginary letter from the NAACP to President Lincoln:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing.  Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards.  That is just far too much to ask of us [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week.  We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

…rant…rant…rant…taxes…tea parties not racist…taxes…rant…whatever…

…Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever.  We had a great gig.  Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by someone else.  Please repeal the 13th and 14thAmendments and let us get back to where we say that belong.

Sincerely

Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew,  National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

Nope, no racism in that at all.

Just can’t imagine where folks come up with the idea these right-wing fascists are racists.

And morons.

‘Murkins to Washington: You Suck!

Posted on July 14, 2010 By

It is Le Quatorze Juillet and Americans are storming the metaphorical Bastille!

At least, according to yesterday’s ABC-Washington Post opinion survey:

58 percent of you think the President sucks.

68 percent of you think Democrats suck.

72 percent of you think Republicans suck.

150 percent of you think BP sucks.

80 percent of Ohioans think LeBron James sucks.

100 percent of South Floridans think Lebron James is a superhero and the greatest basketball player of all time and are danged glad to see him in a Heat uniform.

50 percent of you think the American League sucks.

50 percent of you think the National League sucks, even though it finally won an All-Star game.

78.3 percent of you are glad we no longer have to listen to Vuvuzelas bogging on the TeeVee Box speakers.

46 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Democrat than a sucky Republican.

47 percent of you would rather vote for a sucky Republican than a sucky Democrat.

Ah, yes…but 42 percent of you think Democrats are less sucky on economic issues while only 34 percent of you think Republicans are less sucky on economic issues.

62 percent of you think the Congress wouldn’t suck so bad if it extended unemployment benefits. Another 36 percent said Congress would suck worse.

60 percent of Southeast Alabamians say they don’t want a Teabagger representing them in the Congress.

100 percent of Mama Grizzlies don’t always know when something is wrong and only read about their daughters’ re-engagement to baby daddy Levi Johnston on the cover of US Weekly magazine.

Pastor Mark Elliott told the TEDGlobal 2010 Conference in Oxford (England, not Mississippi) 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles.

First Lady Michelle Obama told the NAACP 80 percent of all Americans believe in Miracle Whip…and we should cut it out!

80 percent of all right-wing nut jobs believe First Lady Michelle Obama should leave our children alone and let them be fat.

55 to 60 percent of our food contains high fructose corn syrup.

Over the last 30 years, we’ve increased our consumption of high fructose corn syrup by 1000 percent.

In addition to making us fat, diabetic, lethargic and riddled with heart disease, .0000000003 percent of us (me) also think fructose makes us dumbasses.

Neanderthal DNA…’splains a lot!

Posted on May 7, 2010 By

Researchers in Europe have discovered Neanderthals may have been takin’ the skin boat to tuna town with early humans.

That’s right. According to DNA research currently being conducted by the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology, Neanderthals had a max planck for the new and really cute humans who moved to town and before they died out spent a few steamy nights with them amid candlelight and Lady Gaga records.

This has resulted, say the researchers, in a strain of Neanderthal DNA swimming for thousands of years in the gene pool of non-African humans. As a matter of fact, the researchers suggest 1 to 4 percent of the DNA in non-Africans (Europeans) is, in fact, Neanderthal.

A poll taken by ABC news the other day suggested the teabaggers account for approximately 2 percent of the population; a curious statistical comparison.

Seriously, the Neanderthal DNA strain could actually explain quite a bit.

NASCAR, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, failure to regulate financial markets or protect consumers, GOP southern strategy, Arizona immigration law, hair on the upper lip of Italian women, ultimate cage fighting, California and Florida senate races; and why the British Parliament may be hung but not well-hung.

On the other hand – the one with knuckles dragging along the hot sidewalk – this research may lead to a whole new bag of excuses for stupidity among public figures and policy makers.

Good news, senators and world’s top golfers, you no longer have to claim alcoholism or go into rehab when you get caught leafing through pages or burying your balls in the deep rough. You can simply blame it on the Neanderthal DNA!!

Johnny Cochran would have loved this defense!!

Say, for example, you hit the “b” key when you meant to hit the “m” key and suddenly stock prices plummet around the globe and people are leaping from tall buildings. You simply say, “oops…my bad…Neanderthal DNA moment!!”

Or when you find yourself repeatedly talking about how safe it is today to drill for oil immediately off beaches and salt marshes.

Or, perhaps, when you find yourself so stridently homophobic that you found an entire non-profit organization based on, he-he, rooting out people who prefer to knock boots with others of the same sex only to get caught yourself taking a little vacation with an Internet rent-a-boy. Rather than admitting to being an intensely gross hypocrite you can simply say, “Hey, I’ve admitted my inner Neanderthal.”

There is a problem with this defense, however. As far as we know, Neanderthals were not found across this great continent, the mid-breadth of which would one day become known as the U-nited States of ‘Murka.

So, to admit to Neanderthal heritage might put one at risk of being deported from the State of Arizona due to lack of native status.

I understand the Apache people will soon start demanding papers of Arizona Legislators.

Cinco de Mayo…with a side of conspiracy!

Posted on May 5, 2010 By

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Okay all you Anglos with a tan, we’re headed to Arizona, donning our guayaberas and huaraches and telling the cops we brought our Coronas directly from Mexico!

Whoo-hoo!! We’re all Mexican today! Well, maybe not in Arizona; could get you arrested and charged with being brown.

Oh sure, Cinco de Maya is well-known as a kind of Mexican Independence Day, meant to commemorate Zapata’s victory over Napoleon at Veracruz but, hey, what’s that compared to drinking contests when you can drink so much tequila you think you’re speaking Spanish to that groovy looking chick who is actually from India.

Besides everyone knows Cinco de Mayo was started as a conspiracy to sell more Coronas to the gringos! Ha-Ha-Ha!! Zapata knew someday another Mexican would invent Corona beer and that gringos north of what would become the border would do anything to get it.

Just like Mother’s Day is a conspiracy, according to Gin Beck’sBeer on his radio show.

It’s been conspiracy week on all along the radio dial where you’ll find the right-wing-noise-machine. Everyone loves a good conspiracy of course, especially when you don’t have any substantive ideas to promote or solutions to propose.

Rant, baby, rant!!

In addition to Beck’s rant against Mother’s Day (rant against Mother’s Day…really, Glenn, really?), we have conspiracies to blow up the Gulf of Mexico oil well and that dastardly plot to read Miranda Rights to a U.S. Citizen arrested for a connection to the Times Square failed bomb attempt.

What will these morons think of next?

Oh, I know! How ‘bout U.S. Senator John McCain, Vietnam war hero (for being taken captive), defeated presidential candidate and all-around Maverick – though he now denies it – suggesting the Pakistani-born U.S. Citizen arrested in connection with the Times Square bombing attempt doesn’t need Miranda Rights?

Then, of course, pops up Heckuva-job-Brownie to say how the Obama Administration loves the Gulf oil spill because the President gets to pander to the environmentalists.

Takes a lot of tar balls washing up on the beach for Brownie to even show his face in public, let alone say something as goofy as that.

No, but seriously, Douche Limpbranch may be on to something by suggesting it was the environmental whackos who dove 5,000 feet into the Gulf of Mexico to intentionally blow up the Deep Horizon oil well and flood the Gulf of Mexico with crude…black gold…Texas tea…the New Gulf of Mexico.

That’s it!! That’s the conspiracy! We’ll just drain the Gulf of Mexico, fill it with oil and we can all head down to the beach with straws and snort it right up! Cut out the middle-man, cars and all those noisy machines.

Finally, when it comes to teabaggers affecting the outcomes of elections? Not so much apparently. Teabag candidates earned a massive-fail at the polls in Republican primaries in Ohio, Indiana and North Carolina.

“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.” – Macbeth.

You can be angry…or…you can dance!!

Posted on April 16, 2010 By

“Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Don’t you fight it till you’ve tried it
Do the conga beat…”

So, while the teabaggers were snortin’ and complain’, yesterday; cashing their Social Security checks to travel to Washington and complain about socialism, the President of the United States was seeing beyond the stars and shakin’ his booty with the cool kids in Miami at Gloria and Emilio’s place.

The juxtaposition pretty much says it all.

“I’ve been a little amused over the last couple of days where people have been having these rallies about taxes,” the president said, noting the numerous tax cuts pushed by his administration. “You would think they’d be saying thank you.”

Yea, well…don’t look for it to happen ‘cause gratitude is not a big effen deal among the bagger crowd.

In fact, anger is the predominate emotion among teabaggers according to a poll conducted by the New York Times and CBS. (Yep, those socialist-communist-Kenyanian-Rastafarian-Zorastrian-Baptist news organizations.)

So, while the President was expressing his vision for future space exploration while at the same time signing a long-overdue executive order granting gay couples family rights in hospitals, the teabaggers were just angry.

According the Times/CBS poll, 18 percent of Americans identify with the anger of the baggers, even if only 4 percent have ever actually attended a rally or given money to the bagger anger exposition.

Most of them are old, white, married; richer and better educated than the general public and really, REALLY hate “big government” but love their Social Security and Medicare. (That “educated” part kinda gets lost in the tautology of anger.)

Most said the taxes they paid this year are fair. Most sent their kids to public schools and most say they don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. (Okay, so education helps a little.)

Most of ‘em still love George Bush and don’t see any connection at all between his administration and the economic downfall. Most of ‘em just don’t like Obama. Hmmm…wonder why?

“I just feel he’s getting away from what America is,” said a retired medical transcriber to the New York Times. “He’s a socialist. And to tell you the truth, I think he’s a Muslim and trying to head us in that direction, I don’t care what he says. He’s been in office over a year and can’t find a church to go to. That doesn’t say much for him.”

To quote the immortal philosopher Steven Wright, “Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

Come on, shake your body, baby…do the conga.

Can wing nuts nail 3-pointers?

Posted on April 5, 2010 By

Do you really want to take on a President who can nail left-handed 3-pointers from the corner like that?

Taking on Ohio State roundball legend and CBS analyst Clark “Special K” Kellogg in a game of HORSE-turned-POTUS, the “Big O” showed a downtown range that would make Dukies envious.

You can’t leave the guy open in the corner, that’s for sure. And teabaggers, I’m talkin’ to you, Rush, Beck & the teabaggers. Plus, he’s left handed, knows how to spell and conjugate verbs, a particular sticking point with the wing nuts.

You see, spelling and grammar are not strong suits of the teabag crowd. A quick sampling of home-made signs at teabagger rallies includes some real gems (supplied by the Seattle Weekly).

“Obama Lier in Chief.”  “Obama Commander in Theif.”

“Repeel Congress!”

“No Hussien Obama”

“I did’nt serve 22 years for socialism.”

“No Amensty.”

“Don’t take my rights. I’m still useing them.” (Dictionary, not so much.)

“No mas illegal alliens.”

Oh well, one doesn’t have to be literate to have political opinions in the good ol’ U.S. of A. One just has to have a permanent marker and some poster board.

One thing is for sure, though. The teabaggers don’t know what to do with the Republican Party and the Republican Party doesn’t know what to do with the teabaggers.

“Lot of noise,” said one unnamed senior Republican consultant to the Washington Post. “No muscle.”

The teabaggers don’t…er, do’nt…even know what to do with themselves – other than be angry.

In Florida, they’re fighting against themselves. Some dude in Orlando registered the Tea Party as a new political party. But teabaggers resist, saying they don’t want to be party. And, now, they’re all suing each other. Somebody hit the snooze button!

And finally, GOP Chairman Michael Steele told George Stephanopoulos this morning he is not stepping down, no matter that his underlings took the GOP credit card to a bondage sex club in L.A.

Says he and POTUS get narrower margins of error because they are African-American. Wait…Steele is African-American?

But, hey, the good news is we can take a break from politics, between-the-legs passes of black men and spend the rest of the week talking about the Masters…and Tiger’s putter.

Burning (Up) Man Festival in Nevada!!

Posted on March 29, 2010 By

It was a tough weekend for poor ol’ Harry Reid.

Here he was, having just succeeded in helping pass through Congress one of the most significant social reforms in the last 50 years and he’s celebrating by shooting guns in Vegas with the long-time head of the National Rifle Association.

But down in his dusty desert home town, a whole bunch of folks in pick ‘em up trucks and campers all got together to hear some woman from Alaska act like Donald Trump on his teevee show.

“You’re fired,” shouted the pretty lady from Alaska, clutching her notes in a desperate attempt to keep them from litterin’ the desert in the blowing dust.

Whoa! They sure have a curious way of dealin’ with elected officials in Nevada. Sure, there are lots of things legal in Nevada that are illegal everywhere else but, Lord have mercy, I didn’t know a whole bunch of folks could just get together in the desert and simply fire elected officials.

Oh well…guess that’s it, then. Did they appoint somebody else in his place to be Senate Majority Leader? No? Hmmm…shouldn’t they have done that, too?

Wait…nevermind…realize what was happening, now. It was the teabaggers gettin’ together in the desert in a kind of Burning Up Man Festival to snort and snoot and roar and make really stupid home-made signs.

“Beelzebub Obama,” read one sign, misspelling accepted, pretty much expected.

“Yes we can…kick you out,” read another.

“Stop the Marx Madness,” read still another, perhaps a bit confused between college basketball and Groucho, Harpo & Chico.

“Harry Reid you suck big time. We are going to vote your pathetic socialist ass out!! Go back to Searchlight and run for dogcatcher,” read still one more.

Wait, you mean they DO still hold elections in Nevada? You mean a bunch of angry white folks can’t just get together and fire somebody?

Not to worry, the Nevada rally was just the start of the 24-city tour of the Burning Politicians Festival, one that will culminate in Washington on April 15, Tax Day, when we will no doubt hear lots and lots of jibber-jabber about how much everyone hates to pay taxes…and other unique anti-government stuff.

Okay, sure…there are plenty of angry, frustrated people around these here United States. After all, eight years of the Bush Administration is enough to make anyone snap.

But we really need to understand, violent revolution is soooo 18th Century in the U.S. We take that to other countries, now!

Maybe someone will explain that to 70-year-old Harry Weisiger of Nashville, Tennessee who late last week decided to take matters into his own hands.

Weisiger was charged with reckless endangerment, DUI and leaving the scene of accident after he rammed a car driven by Nashville teacher Mark Duren. It seems the teacher had just picked up his 10-year-old daughter from school when Weisiger alleged spotted an Obama bumper sticker on the Durens’ car – a Prius, no doubt – and rammed him, repeatedly, before fleeing.

Bunning yanked from mound for wild pitch…

Posted on March 3, 2010 By

Okay, so here’s the deal: Democrats in Congress will let Charlie Rangel remain chair of the House Ways & Means Committee if he will agree to take Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning out behind the Capitol and kick his ass.

Not really. That would be unseemly. Caning is the preferred method of corporal punishment in the Congress.

But the before the day is out, Rangel will be but a humble House member – sorta – and Jim Bunning will still be a Senator with a Hall of Fame ego and…oh yea…crazier ‘n bat guano.

Who can forget the 1964 season in which Bunning pitched a perfect game for the Philadelphia Phillies and led the Phils into what looked like a lock for the World Series – only to then lead the Phillies into one of the most famous September pennant-race collapses in Major League history?

Bunning, as a pitcher, was famous for shaking off signs from catchers and throwing whatever pitch he damn well wanted.

Hmmm…things haven’t changed much.

As we all know by now, Bunning finally accepted a sign from the catcher (GOP Senate leader and fellow Kentuckian Mitch McConnell) and ended his temper tantrum which was holding up unemployment checks and money for federal highway projects and was, in turn, forcing the furlough of thousands of highway construction workers….which means hundreds of thousands of struggling people have to struggle a bit longer.  Everybody say, “Thanks, Sen. Bunning!”

The joke going around the Magic Twitter Machine on Tuesday was: “Jim Bunning says, I abject!”

Meanwhile, President Obama will release yet another health care proposal which will include Republican ideas – some tort reform and health savings accounts – and Republicans will still say, just like Bunning…NO!!…and we’ll end up with an even more watered-down health care reform measure.

But never mind all that, Texas Gov. Rick Perry now faces a critical decision: run for president of the teabaggers or run for president of the Republic of Texas.

Perry whipped Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, a former TeeVee news reporter and unabashed Bush sycophant for the Texas Republican gubernatorial nomination. If elected in the general in November, Perry will serve a third term and become the longest-serving Texas governor in history.

He also defeated in the primary the teabaggers’ choice for governor, somebody named Debra Medina, and he will need the teabaggers’ support if he’s going to take Texas out of the Union or run for president of it.

Oh yea, and if he’s going to win a third term as Texas governor he will need to defeat the very popular former mayor of Houston, Democrat Bill White.

And finally, in case you missed it, the Associated Press is reporting leaks from a book by Bush Svengali Karl Rove in which Rove admits the war in Iraq damaged the Bush Administration’s credibility.

Um..yea…credibility…and badly damaged nearly beyond redemption two entire nations, not to mention the stability of the entire world!!

Snow and hand puppets and Republican VD…day cards

Posted on February 10, 2010 By

It’s snowin’ the bejeepers outa the Northeast US of A, which means nobody can get to work, which means everyone has to sit at home and make Sarah Palin hand puppets while callin’ each other retards for thinking the snow completely disproves global warming.

It’s just that kind of messed up day. The New York Times can’t even report on the winter storm, apparently, because none of its reporters can get out of the building. The Old Grey Lady sent out a tweet earlier today – desperately seeking  help to report the story..

“Send us your stories,” read the tweet. “We’re trapped and we’re cannibalizing the once proud craft of journalism!”

(Okay…made up that last part…kinda.)

Don’t know why everybody wants to make fun of Sarah Palin’s hand job for the teabaggers last weekend. She was just trying to give them want they want.

Even the comic genius that is White House press spokesman Robert Gibbs stroked the meme by revealing to the White House press corps a short grocery list written on his palm. Ha-ha-ha…yea, that was a good one. Maybe when he’s done at the White House his brothers, Barry and Robin, will take him back and they can go on the road again…”stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…”

Elsewhere in the White House, First Lady Michelle Obama was rolling out her campaign to end the epidemic of childhood obesity in a generation.

And when we say, “rolling out”… we don’t mean the kids who are…wait for it…so fat…wait for it…that when they sit around the house, the really sit around the house!

Okay, okay…sorry. This really is a serious problem for the US of A…mostly in the A and mid-section of kids who, studies suggest, consume an average – AVERAGE – of 145 pounds of high fructose corn syrup each year, mostly from soft drinks, fruity drinks, so-called sports drinks and processed foods.

The First Lady’s, “Let’s Move,” campaign is not a signal to Republicans the Obamas are ready for a new address come 2012 but rather a call to put down the Twinkies, get off the freakin’ couch and play some hoops…for heaven’s sake!

And speaking of Republicans, that fun-loving and clever bunch over at the Republican National Committee is doing its part to spread the VD love by offering Valentine’s Day e-cards for your friends or sex partners, even same-sex partners or all three!

You can send cards bearing the likeness of Rahm Emmanuel saying, “Happy [expletive] Valentine’s Day.” Or an ACORN spokesman saying, “We’d like to help you set up a tax free romance business.”

Oh, those witty RNC staffers…a barrel of monkeys are those guys! They missed a real opportunity, though, to send out Valentine’s Day cards from the likes of Gov. Mark Sanford, Sen. David Vitter, Sen. John Ensign, Rep. Mark Foley…or, even, Newt Gingrich or Justice Clarence Thomas.

Finally, our dreams have been answered! Google has given us YET ANOTHER social network through which we can totally waste what little time we have left from wasting our time on all the other social networks!

Google Buzz will offer diversions straight from your Gmail and keep you updated on what your friends are doing and posting on all their social networking sites. Great! SQUIRREL!!

Saints party while the rest of the nation…just goes nuts!

Posted on February 8, 2010 By

Laisse le bon temps rouler!

It was that kind of night in the magical land known as Nawlins. It’s gonna be that kind of day…and night…and the next day…and on through Mardi Gras.

Not that the good people of Nawlins ever needed a reason, really, to party but it IS Mardi Gras season and, well, I understand the city’s beloved professional football team actually won a game last night!

GEAUX SAINTS! WHO DAT!

Perhaps, now, the federal government and the good people of the rest of the US of A will get serious about finally repairing the Lower 9th Ward.

Up the road a piece, in another southern state and an alternate reality, 600 chronically angry malcontents and insipidists gathered at Opryland to dance fiddle jigs and complain about the current state of affairs in our great nation.

The highlight of the Teabaggers\’ convention in Nashvile was a 40-minute speech on Saturday night by Sarah Palin, defeated GOP vice-presidential nominee who quit her job as Alaska governor to pursue more fame and riches on the Faux News Channel talking about a book she didn’t write.

Speaking from crib notes on her Palm hand-held device, Palin criticized President Obama for reading speeches from a teleprompter. You betcha…also…too!

“America is ready for another revolution,” Palin told the crowd of insurgents. “How’s that hopey-changey thing workin’ out for you?”

With this kind of incite and intellect she’ll go far.

The only disruption in the weekend came when the ballroom emptied suddenly following an erroneous rumor a blue-light special had just gone off in the same isle as the fried Vienna sausages.

No, just kidding about that last part.

Meanwhile, in the snow- and moribund-bound capital of the nation, Alabama Senator Richard Shelby decided to play Vito Corleone and hold up 70 Obama Administration appointees to federal posts until he gets billions of dollars for his home state in two major defense department projects: a $35 billion tanker project and a new facility at the Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville.

Said Sen. Shelby, “some day you may come to me asking a favor…”

Maybe the senator will ease up now that President Obama has asked Republicans – again – to come to the table on health care reform…you know, so they stomp and snort and say, “NO!” Should be fun.

Thank Heaven, the Thomas More Law Center has clarified for us that hate crimes are an affront to the Bible. The center, which specializes in Levitical law, filed a lawsuit claiming the recently-enacted federal hate crimes law, “criminalize(s) the Bible and use(s) the threat of federal prosecutions…to silence Christians from expressing their Biblically-based religious belief that homosexual conduct is a sin.”

Hmmm…heck, I thought the Bible was all about love toward others.

Finally, kudos to Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein for taking a pay cut, this in light of Wall Street’s generous handouts from us taxpayers.

Blankfein will only take a bonus of $9 million this year and that’s nearly half the $17 million bonus paid to J.P. Morgan Chase’s CEO, Jamie Dimon (On the Soles of His Shoes).

Thanks, Lloyd, for setting an example. We know it’ll be tough to live on $9 million.

Who Dat…dat hoo doo…dat you do…to me!

Posted on February 5, 2010 By

“Who Dat talkin’ ‘bout makin’ us pay? Who dat? Who dat??”

Yep, unless you live under a rock at the bottom of the Mariana Trench you know it’s time for Super Bowl XLIVPDQRLSDSEXINBVDS.

This means there will be approximately 94 straight hours of airtime on the TeeVee Box (and ad sales) surrounding nearly 4 hours of actual football between the NFC Champs, the Nawlins Who Dats and the AFC Champs, the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings.

One thing is for sure: no one will ever confuse New Orleans and Indianapolis, even though – technically, – they are in the same country…kinda, sorta.

And to fill those 100 hours of TeeVee Box programming the NFL gave everyone something to talk about by claiming…this is good…you’re gonna love it…claiming to own the rights to the phrase, \”Who Dat?\”

You see – all you whitebread-middle-America-sit-on-the-couch-and-eat-pretzels folks –  the phrase, “Who Dat,” has become synonymous with the Nawlins Saints football team and now that its reached the Super Bowl everybody wants to claim it, own it, say they invented it, claim it as a birth right and want to marry it for its money.

But it just doesn’t work that way. Besides, the NFL many years ago claimed rights to the phrase, “yassa massa,” and the NFL just can’t have it all!

The chant, “who dat talkin’ ‘bout beatin’ the (fill in the blank)? Who dat? Who dat?,” has been around for a very long time.

Former Saints running back Dalton Hilliard says his high school in Patterson, Loosiana used the chant in the 1970s. Other attribute it to St. Augustine High School in Nawlins, a historically African-American Catholic boys school (where they actually chanted, “who dat talkin’ ‘bout original sin? Who dat? Who dat?”).

Two brothers in Nawlins, Sal & Steve Monistere, claim they own the phrase. Everyone knows the Alcorn State Braves were chanting, “who dat,” in the late 70s and early 80s. “Who dat talkin’ ‘bout beatin’ the Braves? Who dat? Who dat?”

At this point, though, the phrase belongs to Nawlins and can’t nobody take it away. In fact, nobody can tell Nawlins nuthin’! After Katrina, after the Saints’ rise from the Ain’ts, after everything that city’s been through…cain’t nobody tell Nawlins nuthin’. They get to do whatever they want! Jazz and et tu fe for ever’body!!  The Who Dat are you? Who…who…who…who dat?

I just hope South Beach survives!

Good thing the Super Bowl isn’t bein’ played in California where the Rams once played because we would then have to worry that GOP senate candidate Carly Fiorina would accuse the opposition team of being demon sheep, just like she implied of her GOP senate primary opponent, Tom Campbell.

Fiorina, who took a $21 million golden parachute and jumped out of the  Hewlitt-Packard plane while thousands of HP employees were shoved out the door, might have had the wool pulled over her eyes by her media advisors because she’s become the laughing stock of the political barnyard animal world for her nearly 4-minute demon sheep ad on the InnerTubes.

And good luck to the Teabaggers gathering in Nashville this weekend for a big ol’ grope fest while feasting on sour grapes of wrath. It’s Super Bowl weekend. No one ‘cept the Faux News will be paying attention to you. (And that’ll just make ‘em madder.)

Former Colorado representative Tom Tancredo kicked off the teabagging with a speech denouncing the “cult of multiculturalism” in the U. S. and, according to The Daily Beast, said the election of Barack Obama to the presidency was the result of not having civics or literacy tests as a requirement for voting.

The Teabaggers are not actually meeting this weekend but, rather, they are meeting some time in the early part of the 20th Century.

Nekkid senator wants bike ride with Lance…

Posted on January 29, 2010 By

So here comes the new U.S. Senator from Massachusetts, Downtown Scotty Brown-All-Around, the naked pin-up salon, says his fondest wish now in his new-found celebrity is to go cycling with Lance Armstrong.

‘I would love to go on a bike ride with Lance Armstrong, just for those few hours, just like to say hi, just to like hug him,” Brown told the New York Times.

Brown, who will put his naked butt in the same seat occupied by Ted Kennedy in the world’s most exclusive club, is also a triathlete and all cyclists and triathletes want to go bike riding with Lance. Sure, who wouldn’t?

But Brown, who posed naked for Cosmo back in the crazy 80s and tried to sell his daughters on election night, was unclear if the bike ride and hug with Armstrong would be clothed or nekkid. Either way, it kinda sounds as if given the chance he might be found sitting tall in the saddle.

And speaking of tools, what about Twerpy McNerdbugger, aka James O’Keefe, the right-wing video sleuth who was caught in New Orleans dressed as a TeeVee repairman and charged with trying to bug the offices of Senator Mary Landrieu? NawlinsGate.

You remember O’Keefe for his pornesque video in which he claimed ACORN was responsible for the crucifixion of the Christ. He was heralded as a hero by the wingers.

After his arrest and release on bail a U.S. magistrate judge ordered him to live with his parents until his trial. He’ll have plenty of time to play World of Warcraft online with all his red state buddies.

And it’s looking more and more like the teabaggers gathering in Nashville next weekend will have to play with themselves. Two big teabag stars, U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn and the always entertaining U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, have pulled out. That leaves only Sarah Palin – or maybe her avatar or Facebook page – as a big-name draw for the witch-burning festival.

And, finally, from the “Oh, That’s Just Freakin’ Great” Department: Osama bin Laden has released a new video in which he blames the U.S. and Europe for climate change. Thanks. That’ll be a big help. Why didn’t he just claim he and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard?