At least that’s what school children in Texas will soon learn if the Texas School Board gets its way in a circle-jerk editing session for social studies textbooks.

And, why not? After all, this is Texas…reality left a long time ago (Hello? George Bush? Rick Perry?)

New Texas tourism campaign slogan: “Whooo-wee Texas! We make Florida, Alabama & Mississippi look SANE!”

Seriously, in its boldest move yet to install fascism here in ‘Murka, the American Taliban  is right now pursuing the Texas Textbook Chainsaw Massacre to force innocent little school children to learn made up crap thereby ensuring they will grow up to be as messed-up as their parents.

So-called Christian Conservatives – the American Taliban – somehow gained control of the state board of education in the Republic of Texas and last week edited social studies and history textbooks they deemed, “too librul.”

Out: Thomas Jefferson as a man of the Enlightenment. In: Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin & William Blackstone. (It’s actually a wonder these knuckle-draggers even know who the latter group is.)

Out: separation of church & state. In: Newt Gingrich and the Contract with America.

“I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state,” said one of the right-wing Republicans. (Note to delusional school board member: please check Amendment Numero Uno…”Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;”)

Out: the non-violence of the civil rights movement led by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. In: their scary perceived violence of the Black Panther Party.

And just plan out is any mention that Tejanos died at the Alamo.

“We’re adding balance,” said another Taliban member. “History has already been skewed. Academia is skewed too far to the left.”

Out: “capitalism” as an economic system. In: “free enterprise.”

“Let’s face it, capitalism does have a negative connotation,” said another school board member. “You know, ‘capitalist pig!” (Really, did not make up that quote.)

All this leaves us with a number of questions to ponder: Can these people dress themselves? Will Texas students learn about sociopaths from books or real-life examples? What’s the next step in this sordid chain of events? Banning all music except that of Ted Nugent? WTF?

The Legend-Before-Its-Time Summit on Health-Care-Reform-Arguing will take up six hours of time Thursday on the TeeVee Box.

The Winter Olympics will be suspended. Wall Street will shut down. Trains and airlines will grind to a halt. And Republicans will put cotton in their ears, stomp their feet and act like petulant children being dragged to the principal’s office.

Okay. None of that is true – except the last part.

The White House, in preparing for the summit to be broadcast live from Blair House, spent the better part of the past week arguing with Republicans over the size and shape of chairs, the size and shape of tables, the color of lamp shades and drapes and which incense to burn during scheduled guided meditations.

A grateful nation heaved a sigh of relief earlier today when the Republican congressional delegation finally agreed to a square, hollow table – because it suits them.

According to Politico, that thoughtful online apologist for big business, the Democrats unstated goal of the health care summit is “to make congressional Republicans look like a bunch of whiny, cynical, ideologically bankrupt crybabies who don’t have a plan of their own.”

Ha-ha-ha, congressional Republicans are doing a pretty darn good job of that all by themselves.

But don’t be fooled. Despite holding overwhelming majorities in both the Senate and the House, Democrats can’t quite seem to adopt measures to reform the nation’s health care system.

So, given study released in late 2009 by the Harvard Medical School which suggested 45,000 Americans are dying each year because of our flawed for-profit health care system we can expect 30.8 people to die during the six-hour health care summit…and another 30.8 will die each six hours the Congress fails to adopt needed reforms.

We don’t mean to say Congress isn’t doing ANYTHING.

The Senate actually managed to adopt key measures toward a jobs bill…and five Republicans voted with the Democrats!

But Downtown Scotty Brown, the newly-elected nekkid truck driver who is now sitting in Ted Kennedy’s seat, found out just how mean his teabagger buds can be.

The angry malcontents spanked Brown’s nekkid truck drivin’ butt loud and hard on the Facebook thingy and Magic Twitter Machine after he voted with the Democrats on the jobs bill.

“LYING LOW LIFE SCUM HYPOCRITE,” was, I believe, a representative post.

“BROWN, YOU JUST REMEMBER DOUCHEBAG…WE ARE WATCHING YOU!!!!,” was, I believe, another. Both in all caps.

Ha! Fun, ain’t it, Scotty? That’s a really nice crowd you hang with. This will also probably mean less interest in his daughters.

‘I would love to go on a bike ride with Lance Armstrong, just for those few hours, just like to say hi, just to like hug him,” Brown told the New York Times.

Brown, who will put his naked butt in the same seat occupied by Ted Kennedy in the world’s most exclusive club, is also a triathlete and all cyclists and triathletes want to go bike riding with Lance. Sure, who wouldn’t?

But Brown, who posed naked for Cosmo back in the crazy 80s and tried to sell his daughters on election night, was unclear if the bike ride and hug with Armstrong would be clothed or nekkid. Either way, it kinda sounds as if given the chance he might be found sitting tall in the saddle.

And speaking of tools, what about Twerpy McNerdbugger, aka James O’Keefe, the right-wing video sleuth who was caught in New Orleans dressed as a TeeVee repairman and charged with trying to bug the offices of Senator Mary Landrieu? NawlinsGate.

You remember O’Keefe for his pornesque video in which he claimed ACORN was responsible for the crucifixion of the Christ. He was heralded as a hero by the wingers.

After his arrest and release on bail a U.S. magistrate judge ordered him to live with his parents until his trial. He’ll have plenty of time to play World of Warcraft online with all his red state buddies.

And it’s looking more and more like the teabaggers gathering in Nashville next weekend will have to play with themselves. Two big teabag stars, U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn and the always entertaining U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, have pulled out. That leaves only Sarah Palin – or maybe her avatar or Facebook page – as a big-name draw for the witch-burning festival.

And, finally, from the “Oh, That’s Just Freakin’ Great” Department: Osama bin Laden has released a new video in which he blames the U.S. and Europe for climate change. Thanks. That’ll be a big help. Why didn’t he just claim he and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard?