Hidden among the many provisions of the new communist manifesto – better know as health care reform – is a 10 percent tax on tanning salons! It’s an outrage!

No wonder House Majority Leader John Boehner was livid…and vivid! He should be. The average person pays $15 to $20 per 10-minute session to lay nekkid on a bed of fluorescent lights and get zapped like a doughnut. With this 10 percent tax, they’ll have to pay an additional $1.50 to $2.00.

Lord only knows how much more this will cost Boehner! Is there no end to this socialist-fascist-communist-Kenyan-rastafarian-zoroastrian-baptist takeover of our tanning rights???

What’s next? Are they gonna charge us more for liquor and cigarettes and Twinkies?

Oh…wait…the bill was all about ‘Murkins getting healthier. Nevermind.

Not to worry. Approximately 13 of the nation’s state attorneys general have it all under control.

Led by Florida’s AG – who also happens to be a GOP candidate for governor of the Fluorescent Light Tanning Bed State – the generals are using taxpayer dollars to file suit against the tanning bed surcharge bill saying it’s downright unconstitutional and against Jesus.

Using an argument for individual rights and states’ rights (yep, the same argument used to justify slavery), Florida AG Bill McCollum-Gollum said the fed’rul guv’munt can’t force him to get treated by a doctor if he don’t damn well want to!

“The healthcare reform legislation passed by the U.S. House of Representatives…clearly violates the U.S. Constitution and infringes on each states’ sovereignty,” said. McCollum-Gollum.

Legal experts around the country were quick to point out, after convulsing in laughter, the AGs’ lawsuit has about as much chance at succeeding as a snowball on a tanning bed. But, they pointed out, it does have a strong chance of wasting lots of state taxpayers’ money.

Sure, the Republicans lost big-time on health care reform and are looking pretty bad and grouchy right now. But don’t think for a minute they’re giving up their effort to keep ‘Murkins from getting better health care. Oh, hell no!

The U.S. Senate contingent of the Grouchy Old Party will be dancing all over procedural rules in the next few hours, trying to delay the inevitable passage of the so-called “fix” bill, which shockingly requires only a majority to pass.

Led by Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, a doctor fighting against better health care, Republicans will offer up a series of amendments to force Democrats to go on record and vote down things like prohibiting Viagra prescriptions for sex offenders. (Seriously.)

Maybe they’ll bring in Mitt Romney as a guest speaker so he can argue against what he pushed through as governor of Massachusetts. That would be rich.

But, hey, at least ‘Murkins of all stripes are coming around on the notion of better health care.  A USAToday/Gallup poll out this morning says 49 percent of ‘Murkins think the health care reform bill is a good thing with only 40 percent saying it’s bad. (The remaining 11 percent were in the Emergency Room awaiting primary care and could not be reached.)

And, finally…yep, you betcha. Vice-President Joe Biden was right!