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Canada: “This Means War!” or…health care reform.

Posted on February 22, 2010 By

BREAKING NEWS: USA defeats Canada, 5-3, in Olympic hockey on Canadian soil!

Canada said to be amassing troops at the border…somewhere along the border…if we can find them…to invade in retaliation!

Okay, not really. But this does not bode well for US-Canadian relations. Making matters worse is the fact the USA is leading in the Canadian Olympics medal count.

How can this happen under an Obama Administration? That’s exactly what Republicans will be asking this week as they gather – reluctantly – under the klieg lights for another Obama Rodeo in which he will, no doubt, rope and hog-tie Congressional Republicans under the guise of getting agreement on health care reform.

Now, he has added incentive: holding off the Canadian invasion threat by trying to make our health care system look more like their health care system. The president will today announce a cap on health insurance premium increases – some of which have topped 31 percent lately – in an effort to appease the unruly and clearly agitated Canadians.

Republicans will be put in a tough spot. They will either have to go along or be blamed for not appeasing the Canadians and acquiescing to the looming invasion.

This is nasty business.

There is good news for Republicans, however. Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the CPAC straw poll over the weekend. Paul, the Libertarian, captured nearly one-third of the votes cast by the nearly one-third of CPAC attendees who bothered to cast a straw poll ballot at all.

This means Paul, who waged an independent run for the presidency in 2008, beat out the ever-lovely and vapid Mitt Romney for CPAC prom king, an embarrassing turn of events for Romney and Massachusetts because “the Mittens” has won the last three CPAC straw polls.

Unfortunately for him, he could not this year get support from even 25 percent of the nearly 30 percent who bothered to vote. Let’s see…25 percent of 30 percent is…divide by three…carry the one…um…not very many people.

And for the record, Sarah Palin only got 7 percent of the vote while Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who spoke at the confab, garnered 6 percent of the vote…of the one-third who bothered to vote.

Oh well, the CPAC crowd is always much bigger on bombast and idle threats than on actual participatory democracy so votes and voting – not so much.

Meanwhile, some actually-elected Republicans are having a tough time ‘splainin’ why they so readily accepted money from President Obama’s initial stimulus plan when they railed so loudly against it.

According to the Wall Street Journal, more than a dozen Republican lawmakers supported requests for stimulus money while, at the same time, calling the $787 billion Obama program the worst thing since processed cheese.

Republican Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama, who called the stimulus, “the socialist way,” asked for $15 million in socialist cheese for his state’s cogongrass eradication program.

Wisconsin Republican Congressman Paul Ryan, who called the stimulus a “wasteful spending spree”, asked for enough socialist cheese to create 1,000 new jobs…perhaps in the Wisconsin cheese industry.

Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn explained in a Tweet from his magic Twitter machine there is no hypocrisy in this at all: “No contradiction to vote against reckless stimulus but if majority hell-bent to spend the money anyway, make sure Texas gets fair share.”

CPAC: pep rally for the discontent!

Posted on February 19, 2010 By

“Politics hates a vacuum,” once wrote Naomi Klein. “If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.”

So, with that in mind and the Congress home on winter break, the annual pep-rally for destroying what’s left of this great republic, CPAC, came to Washington to cheer and jeer and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

CPAC stands for Convention of Platitudes And Cranks, or something like that, and the first couple of days are real barn burners – unless, of course, someone can find an airplane to fly into a federal building somewhere.

The man perhaps most responsible for leaving this great nation in its current great mess made a surprise appearance. The former vice-president suddenly emerged from the darkness to the chants of, “Dick! Dick! Dick!”

Okay, not really. They chanted, “Cheney, Cheney, Cheney!” But we know what they meant.

“2010 is going to be a phenomenal year for the conservative cause,” Dick said. “And I think Barack Obama is a one term president.”

The next presidential election won’t take place until 2012…but no matter. 2010 will still be a great year.

South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint told the crowd he’d rather see a U.S. Senate more like himself.

“I’d rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who believe in the principles of freedom than 60 who don’t believe in anything,” he said.

Right. Because no one there now “believes in freedom.” Oh, heck no! Few Americans actually believe in freedom. Nope, we’re all about enslavement in this country, by golly!

Over at the hip and “kewl” version of CPAC, which is called XPAC for Extremely Pricky Asswipes Converging, crazy Baldwin Brother, Stephen, referred to the President of the United States as – not kidding – “homey.” (You see, the President happens to be African-American.)

“Homey made his bed,” said the Baldwin Brother. “Now, he has got to lay in it.”

Technically, President Obama is trying to pull us out of the deathbed made for us by the Bush Administration. (See “Cheney,” above.)

“CPAC is like our Woodstock,” said one young twerp. “Except unlike the left’s gathering, our women are beautiful…we speak in complete sentences and our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine…which is certainly one thing that separates us from Barack Obama…

“…actually, on the cocaine front,” continued the young twerp. “I do believe many young people in America viewed Barack as a new drug. It was something to experiment with. But the hangover afterward left them thinking, ‘what the hell did I just do?’”

And there is no truth to the rumor that Mitt “the Mittens” Romney got into a fight with LMFAO’s Sky Blu. That happened on an airplane.

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama skipped the CPAC klavern to visit President Obama, which prompted the Chinese to retaliate by sending snowboarders to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Later, in Nevada, the president was seen in a corner with Sen. Harry Reid, a pitchfork pinned against the senator’s chest, telling of his round of golf with the Buddhist leader.

The President: “So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long.

“So we finish the 18th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘hey Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’

And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

“So I got that goin’ for me.”

Snowlympics and Whack-a-Dick-Mole Cheney pops up again!

Posted on February 15, 2010 By

Whack-a-Dick-Mole Cheney popped up again Sunday on the Tee Vee Box.

Hey Dick! It’s Presidents’ Day weekend, not Veep Day! We don’t need you disrupting our Presidents’ Day commercials for mattress sales!

Yes, friends, that disturbance in the force we all felt yesterday was not a Canadian actually winning a gold medal at the Snowlympics but, rather, the US of A’s big Dick Cheney inflicting his face again on the national horror.

Why anyone bothers to ask Dick anything, much less do so on the Tee Vee Box, remains a mystery but there he was, once again talking about how dangerous he believes the Obama Administration to be.

He oughta know, having steered the Bush Administration down the most dangerous path this nation has seen since the Cleveland Administration was followed by the McKinley Administration.

“What the [Obama] administration was slow to do was to come to that recognition that we are at war, not dealing with criminal acts,” Cheney said on ABC.

That would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic because under Cheney, the nation was led to war when what we were dealing with was criminal acts.

So, to deal with the Whack-a-Mole pop-up again, the White House dispatched Vice-President Joe Biden and the two Veeps engaged in a virtual debate only a tad more enlightened than when Biden faced Sarah Palin in the campaign.

Cheney could even be seen, muttering to himself, “say it ain’t so, Joe,” because that’s really all he’s got.

Lowering the boom on his predecessor, Biden calmly explained Cheney is either “misinformed or he is misinforming,” while circling his right ear with an extended index finger.

Okay, made up that last part.

Cheney countered by looking at the audience and saying, “be vewy, vewy, quiet…huh-huh-huh…we’re hunting wabbits!”

Meanwhile, up in temperate Vancouver the Canadians actually won a gold medal! Mogul skier Alexandre Bilodeau captured it in an event that looks for all the world like me trying to ski down a smooth hill.

And you gotta love NBC’s coverage of the Snowlympics. American hero Oyea Ohno is getting his butt kicked by three Koreans when, suddenly and through their own ineptitude, two of the three Koreans crash themselves, leaving Ohno breezing to a second place finish by sheer luck. Listening to the NBC announcers, one would have thought the US of A never had a prouder Olympic moment!

Neither of the aforementioned Korean screw-ups, by the way, was Korean skater Ho Suk…far and away the favorite Olympic name so far.

What’s really funny is watching the cross-country skiers go uphill!

Winter brings rise in moronic levels across USA!

Posted on February 12, 2010 By

Writing in what was once the U.S. News & World Report, yet another RW puppet proclaims Congressional Republicans are refusing to be “led around by the nose” by President Obama.

Ha-ha…this is very funny because:

A.)   They are led around simply by the “no(s)”; or

B.)   They are too far up the butt of Douche Limpbranch and Gin BecksBeer to find their probosci; or

C.)  They would refuse to smell the need for reform if it came up and smacked them on the south end of a north-bound elephant.

The piece goes on to say Republicans are right to demand scrapping all health care reform before agreeing to a televised summit with the president on said…alleged…health care reform. Yes, this is the kind of cooperative approach to government for which we are all asking.

The good news is the Eastern Seaboard is so covered with snow people can’t get to the doctor just now to find out their treatment has been denied by health insurance companies.

And speaking of what Easterners are calling the, “snowpocalypse” (harsh winter weather won’t stop hyperbole), the snow gives morons all across ‘Murka the opportunity to say, “Hey, look, it’s snowing! There’s no global warming after all! Back to the Hummer!…and I don’t mean the truck.”

Seriously, you dorks think because it snows in winter this proves all the climate change science is a hoax? You really believe that? You’re not really that stupid, are you?

Well, apparently some folks really are that stupid. Take Douche Limpranch, for an example:

“Amid record-setting cold weather…the hoax that…global warming is.”

Right-wing Senator Jim DeMint, R-South Carolina, said in The Hill newspaper the snow proves there is no need for legislation requiring reduced emissions of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases.

“Record snowfall has buried Washington — and along with it, buried the chances of passing global warming legislation this year,” wrote The Hill. “Cars are stranded in banks of snow along the streets of the federal capital, and in the corridors of Congress, climate legislation also has been put on ice.”

The New York Post jumped right on that one.

“If, like everyone else from New England to Virginia, you spent the last 24 hours watching the global warming fall from the sky, you may agree that Sen. Jim DeMint could be on to something,” wrote the Post. “The South Carolina Republican took to the Twitter-sphere to declare that the region’s second major blizzard in less than a week must be a sign from God.”

“It’s going to keep snowing in DC until Al Gore cries ‘uncle’,” is actually what the learned senator said on the Twitter.

Okay, Dilberts, here’s the deal: weather does not climate make? Got that? There is a difference between weather and climate. Sure, it snow in winter. It’s WINTER!!

Was the first decade of the 21st Century the warmest on record? Yes, it was. Did it snow in the North American winter of that decade? Yes…yes, it did.

You might want to take a moment and read something scientific, even though it will tax your brain. (Whoops…I said “tax” and “brain.” Look for new right-wing talking point.)

Oh yea, and it’s really, really hot in Rio where it’s summer. And in Vancouver, where the Winter Olympics are about to open, it’s waaaayyyy too warm.

Meanwhile, and from yet another branch of the poorly-informed “Real ‘Murka,” poorly-informed Sarah Palindrome ain’t havin’ such a good week. (Ever notice how when you play a recording of Sarah Palin speaking it says the same thing forward and backward?)

Polling by ABC & The Washington Post suggest only 37 percent of those polled view Palindrome “favorably,” while a whopping 52 percent of Republicans don’t even think she’s qualified to be president…also…too.